In this week's episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County
, Shannon introduces Vicki to feng shui and holistic healing, neither of which makes her nicer. Heather plans a party. And Tamra decides to get all the girls together with disappointing results.
What Did You Expect? His Name is Dr. Moon
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Shannon invites Vicki to partake in a session with her Energy Medicine Specialist, Dr. Moon. Vicki, who's more high strung than a chihuahua on amphetamines, is unlikely to benefit from anything less than a Thorazine drip. All I can think is how badly I feel for the diminutive practitioner of eastern medicine and the shrieking banshee whose energy he's going to try to reorganize or whatever.
The session gets off to an awkward start when Vicki claims the good doctor stuck his finger up her behind. I doubt such an action is possible given how tightly wound this woman is. Next comes the acupuncture. I was always under the impression that acupuncture was painless, but the way Vicki wails, that doesn't seem to be the case. Despite her caterwauling, Vicki looks at the experience as a positive one. Vicki continues her love affair with Shannon, and the fact that the new housewife is up for anything. High-Class Hoedown
Heather decides to throw a party to celebrate breaking ground on her new home. Her theme, dictated almost entirely by the location, is a western hoedown, complete with a mechanical bull. How very un-Fancy Pants. She doesn't abandon her comfort zone entirely since there will be a band, a lavish buffet, Champs and a tent. To make up for denying Terry his onion rings at her clambake last season, she's planning an entire O-ring bar/station. The tab for this little get-together will probably run as much as a semi-lavish wedding. Blondes vs. a Brunette
While Heather may feel like she's back in the cool girls clique, this doesn't appear to be the case. Vicki, Tamra and Shannon all get manicures and spend their time talking behind Mrs. Dubrow's back. Very two-faced of Tamra who told Heather things were squashed. Vicki and Tamra find Heather's assertion that they never let her talk and constantly interrupt her laughable.
Shannon isn't a fan of the prim brunette either. She feels Heather's made some comments about her lifestyle that were unwarranted. Watch out, Shannon, Tamra and Vicki can turn on a girl in a second, so don't go writing off Heather, who's a bit more of a true blue friend.
Tamra recounts the atrocities of the ugly sweater party and brings up Lizzie. Tamra describes the swimsuit designer and mother of two as some sort of Gretchen and Alexis hybrid. Vicki's claws start to come out when she questions if this girl is Tamra's new BFF. We know how possessive she gets.
Tamra thinks all the girls should get together. Shannon suggests over cocktails, of course. She thinks it's the best way to loosen up and get to know someone. It's also a good way to get sloppy and nasty. Blue Christmas
Shannon's decorating her mansion for the holidays. Their house is so vast, and they have so many decorations that they took pictures of each room the previous year. Now, instead of just flying by the seat of their pants, Shannon can replicate exactly how everything looked last year thanks to the photos. Wow! Does that sound fun or what? Shannon claims that Christmas is the one time of year she allows herself to splurge which is reflected in her estimate of having $20,000 worth of ornaments.
David tries to join in on the family fun, but Shannon just can't cut the guy a break. She chastises him for talking with his mouth full. She emasculates him in front of his daughters. Shannon has to be clueless how she comes across because she thinks their one-night getaway solidified how much fun they have together. Yes, so much fun that she has to be drunk to engage in intercourse with her husband. Feng S**t
Vicki has really fallen under Shannon's spell. So much so that she's agreed to meet with Shannon's feng shui expert, Elaine. Vicki's panties are in a serious bunch over the fact that Don wants or expects spousal support. Vicki's grasping at anything to improve her state of mind. Elaine explains the principals of feng shui, which I'm not going to even begin to explain here, or anywhere, ever.Vicki and the New Girl
Tamra, Vicki, Shannon, Heather, Lizzie and some rando named Danielle get together for a girls' night. Tamra already knows that Vicki is going to dislike Lizzie. Vicki always has issues with incredibly attractive younger women.
It doesn't take Vicki long before she tries to assert her dominance. She glibly mispronounces Lizzie's name, and the woman strikes back by telling Vicki, in a condescending tone, that she can call her Elizabeth. This elicits an eye roll from Vicki.
Vicki isn't impressed by Lizzie's pedigree, the product of a public university. Things go from bad to worse when she finds out that Lizzie is a former beauty queen as well. She doesn't consider this an accomplishment. Vicki announces she doesn't ever want to be a pageant girl. Whoa! Not likely, Vicki, due to your age, personality and looks. The comment is so rude and obviously a slight towards Lizzie that Shannon looks visibly mortified.
Lizzie questions what Vicki did in her youth, and she says got married, had a baby and worked her butt off, something she continues to do to this day. Lizzie has no problem confronting Vicki, telling her straight-up that she's not very friendly. Fight Night
Things don't improve at the restaurant. Apparently, Vicki tells Heather to relocate (although it appeared to be Danielle who was the instigator) so she and Shannon could sit together. This gets under Heather's skin, and when Shannon immediately excuses herself to go to the restroom, Heather takes the chair right back. Shannon comes back clueless about the melodrama that has unfolded. Heather explains that she was sitting in the chair first and was told to move. Shannon points out that it wasn't by her, which is true. She also makes it clear, after Heather's unflattering hissy fit, that she's welcome to take the chair back.
The back and forth continues for a bit, and it is mind boggling to see Heather behave this way. Shannon doesn't believe the battle is about the chair, but rather who died and left Heather Dubrow boss?
Both women think the other's behavior is ridiculous, and each considers herself the offended party. Heather tells Shannon that when she came back from the bathroom, she seemed very angry. I didn't pick up that vibe. Confused maybe, but not aggressive or threatening.
Vicki thinks a round of tequila will calm everyone down, but Lizzie's gets left at the bar. Vicki swears it was an honest mistake while Lizzie takes it as a dig. You can hardly blame her given Vicki's snide remarks throughout the night.
Tamra and Heather both try to play peacemaker between Vicki and Lizzie. Vicki tells Tamra not to stick up for her to Lizzie because, in regards to the tequila shots, she wasn't rude.
Shannon can't win for losing with Heather, Vicki thinks Lizzie is disrespectful and Lizzie finds Vicki offensive. All of this is punctuated by frequent trips to the bathroom for peace summits.
The night ends with Vicki talking about a naked Brooks waiting in bed for her. Now I need a shot of tequila.
The Real Housewives of Orange County
airs Mondays at 9pm on Bravo.
(Image courtesy of Bravo)