'The Bachelor' Recap: The Chronicles of Tierra
'The Bachelor' Recap: The Chronicles of Tierra
Bill King
Bill King
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
The two-night Bachelor saga comes to an end Tuesday, with action so wild and drama so intense that it couldn't possibly wait until next week. Naturally, the show will be all about Tierra and not Sean's quest for love. The season's most hated suitor continues to live under the skins of the other women, who repeatedly allow themselves to get sucked by her antics.

She may be the best ever at employing the isolationist strategy, probably because she's the hottest one yet (every female reader just thought "Oh my God! Tierra is NOT hot!" Might have even said it out loud with a little fist shake. It's because women associate personality with looks, while men usually do not). The plan is working brilliantly so far, with all the other girls distracted so much that they look like the drama queens while Tierra slides by appearing to be the only one actually looking for love with Sean. It'll get worse once they all confront him about it, too.

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I wish I could say it was a strategy, but considering Tierra's maniacal laughs and full-faced smiles, it's probably just her personality. But since it's all about Tierra, let's have some fun with this one. 

The Lake, the Witch and the Chateau

They're on the Canadian side of the Rocky Mountains now, with three more dates, including two one-on-ones. The first date card goes to Catherine, and they'll be "finding their fairy tale ending." They take a ride on the Canadian Ice Explorer, basically a giant snow bus, to explore a glacier. It's desperate times for Sean, who is looking to get swagger back after he was left doubting everything last night week.

It's freezing as they frolic in the blizzard conditions, but they play around like a couple of school kids. They have a blast, but they're still treading in the friend zone. In a perfect world, they'd get married and stay together forever. But they're almost TOO comfortable with each other. 

Princess Catherine

At night, Catherine is falling in love as they take her first-ever carriage ride to her first-ever ice castle. And earlier, she had hot chocolate for the first time since she was a toddler. Methinks Catherine doesn't get out much. I mean, who hasn't been in an ice castle?

So while they cuddle around the campfire, Catherine opens up about a traumatic event that shaped her childhood and defined her goals. At the age of 13, she was at summer camp, walking on a trail with another girl, when a tree snapped. It crushed the girl walking directly in front of her, killing her instantly. And that made her realize that things you take for granted can be yanked away in an instant, so from then on she knew she wanted to be in love and have a family. Which I guess is better than avoiding love so that nothing hurts you. And that's why she wants to be with Sean, because she thinks they can be great together. 

Way to turn the tables with your gut-wrenching, goose bump-raising story, Catherine. Here, have a rose. Am I the only one who thinks she's gotten prettier, too?

The Voyage of the Sean Treader

The group date card arrives, and Daniella gets bonus points for being the first woman all season to use the word "literally" correctly. She is, in fact, literally the only one who has not gotten an alone-ish date with Sean. Everyone expects that will change. And ... going on the group date are: Tierra, Sarah, AshLee, Lindsay, Selma, Lesley and Daniella. That means Desiree gets the second one-on-one, and Daniella cries. Poor girl just wants a shot.

The gang starts off by taking a leisurely canoe ride across the lake. Lesley jumps in Sean's canoe, with three women each in the other two. The leftovers are pissed, but you snooze, you lose. Selma is so upset she says she wanted to flip their boat and then have a shark come along. Dunno if she realizes that probably means Sean would get eaten too, but her face freezes in all its plastic glory as she laugh without moving a muscle. So strange.

The Silver Chierra

After reaching the other side, they're set to take the Lake Louise Polar Bear Plunge. Lindsay loves it, but most of the other girls want no part of it. Selma flat out says no way. Maybe she's afraid her face will freeze further. There's a lifeguard and EMT on hand in case anything goes wrong (spoiler alert!), and they warn everyone to get out of the water as soon as possible. 

Tierra is initially not going to participate, but she gets a rush of adrenaline and decides it's a go in her bikini. AshLee is scared, but she's willing to take the plunge (literally) for love. Daniella's top half is very jiggly. Sean and his six beauties dive in, and then he takes turns warming each one of them up while they play the most ridiculous triumphant music in the background. It's hilarious. 

That is, until Tierra starts to have trouble breathing. Maybe it's because she's the only one still standing there in just a bikini. The EMT and lifeguard rush her inside, while Sean comments that she appears unresponsive. Catherine and Desiree are watching from the chateau, but they have no idea who has been carried off. When they find out who it was, they're actually pretty sympathetic, commenting how disheveled Tierra looked with her blue lips and hypothermia. 

The other girls, however, are a little less forgiving of, you know, someone almost dying. Lesley says Tierra couldn't handle it and it's the same old story. AshLee says she's the master of attention grabbing, and she believes it was all a ruse. So now this girl has thrown herself down stairs AND faked nearly freezing to death, all to embrace the damsel in distress role. Jeez. 

A Whore and Her Boy

I'm not actually saying Tierra is a whore, but it's the best word to use in the title of the fifth book. Sean visits Tierra in her bedroom, where she is bundled up with oxygen tubes in her nose. Faker! She says that with all she's been through, he'd better marry her! They hold hands and smooch some. He feels really comfortable with his feelings towards her, so he advises her to stay in bed and skip the group date mixer that night, which makes the other girls quite happy. Less Tierra equals more time for them. Or so they think.

The six remaining women join Sean at the Deer Lodge for drinks, and Lesley is wearing some CFM boots with a short skirt in the freezing cold. She gets the first alone time and tells him she "loves love." She also gets the first kisses of the night, meaning she sort of avoids sloppy seconds.

Sarah shows Sean pictures from her childhood but fails to avoid the sloppy pitfall. I felt like their connection was slipping for awhile now, and though he still sees potential with her, he also says the family talk was a wake-up call to him that he might not be ready to meet any relatives. 

Meanwhile, despite Tierra's "condition," she's bored and decides to go to the party. Before she gets there, we get a montage of Catherine, Daniella, Lindsay, Lesley, Selma and AshLee all bashing her. AshLee is even suggesting that they all confront Sean about it when they spot Tierra at the door. And man, are they pissed. The room goes completely silent and expletives are dropped. Lesley suggests she teach "How to Fake an Injury 101," while Lindsay believes she must be faking because they all did the same thing and were fine. Sean, meanwhile, is super happy to see her.

Lindsay steals Sean from Tierra and they sit by the hot tub. Sean suggests they don't talk, but instead make out the whole time, and she is totally on board. She wins the sloppy thirds award, but she is also apparently the best kisser. 

Sean gives the rose to Lesley and her boots, much to Tierra's dismay (I feel like I add that expression to the end of lots of sentences). Still, in the end, he's her boy. 

C(eeya). S(arah). L(ater)ewis: An Interlude

It's not really a new chapter, but it deserves it's own heading. Plus, it has nothing to do with Tierra. Sean gets back to his room and realizes he doesn't "see a forever" with Sarah, not after hearing about how much she wants him to meet her family. He doesn't want to string it along for two more days, so he grabs her, apologizes and sends her home. She's devastated and in shock, particularly because of how he did it, when she was on top of the world. She handles it better than any two-armed person ever could, and we still love you Sarah! A little self-conscious, a little insecure, but always classy. Is Sarah the next Bachelorette??

She says her tearful goodbyes to the other girls, who are completely caught off guard by the sudden departure. She heads to the limo, lamenting how she's tired of being the girl who always gets the "you deserve the best" speech when guys dump her. Seriously, next Bachelorette!

I Wish There Were 9 Narnia Books Instead of 7

Desiree is headed out on her one-on-one date, "Don't be scared ... to fall in love," still reeling from Sarah's dismissal. She doesn't like to give herself completely to someone unless she knows it's reciprocated, and she's trying not to let that fear stand in her way. Speaking of which, they are repelling 400 feet down Tunnel Mountain to a picnic at the bottom. Desiree is petrified, much like the forest. 

They make their way slowly, side-by-side, while Desiree has a panic attack. She makes a silly analogy about the mountain being a metaphor for a relationship, because sometimes it's hard but you keep going, all while more triumphant music blares in the background. I bet they're eating cheese at the bottom. 

He reassures her (again) that he is seriously into her, and she opens up and challenges him to a tree climbing contest. No safety harnesses this time around, and they share a kiss at the top. I wonder if the producers had to check the stability of the tree before the contest started.

Sean wears my grandmother's old Christmas cardigan for the night part of the date, spent in a tee pee, and they fondly recall their greatest memory together - climbing that tree one paragraph ago. Desiree grew up without much money and spent months of her childhood living in tents and trailers, but she never felt like she didn't have everything she needed. It's how she learned that love is the most important thing, and Sean calls it the best answer he's ever heard. That, of course, equals a rose. She sums it up well. "I opened up about spending some of my life living in a tent, and here I am, falling in love in a tee pee." 

The Muslim's Neck-Phew

Tensions are high at the cocktail party, with everyone but Lesley, Catherine and Desiree feeling nervous. So naturally, they all bash Tierra behind her back. Selma, still not allowed to kiss because of her Muslim background, could rest a serving platter on her plunging neckline. 

She, in particular, is feeling the pressure because she didn't take the polar bear plunge, so she decides to do something drastic. She says, "I want to show him that although I don't have the courage to jump in a lake, I will have the courage to turn my back on 1,400 years of strict religious etymology and literally give my mother a heart attack," or something like that. (She actually says, "the courage to show him my love, always," but I greatly prefer my version.) She makes him hold completely still (like her face when she laughs), and she plants a non-moving kiss on his lower lip that resembles Sean and Lesley setting the kissing record. Then, she laughs while calling it a huge shame on her family, saying she had to bring out the big guns. Trust me, Selma, they were already out.

Lindsay made a promise to herself not to kiss Sean, because apparently that IS all they do. She wants more conversation, so she asks what his favorite part of Canada was. His best moment was watching the fun she had jumping in the water, and his return question is to tell him something about her he doesn't know. She responds by saying she sleeps naked, Then she gives in and they make out. 

AshLee talks about her abandonment issues and gives Sean a scarf so he can blindfold her (kinky!) and take the opportunity to lead her into the possibility of their future. It apparently expresses her vulnerability, but I wonder if reminds Sean of the tie Fifty Shades of Crazy brought the first night. She cries while he carries her around, and then he kisses her while she's still blindfolded. That dude's tongue gets around! AshLee is letting go of everything, and now she feels like she sees her whole future lined up in front of her. She pushed a mountain out of her life, and Sean was standing on the other side. Which is funny, cause there's a mountain right outside the window. But man, stuff just got HEAVY!

The Last Battle 

Didn't even need to change that one. No dilly-dally this time around. Again, Lesley, Catherine and Desiree are safe, and two others are going home. Just three roses to give out, and they go to: Lindsay, AshLee and ... wait for it ... Tierra. Unlike in the Narnia books, the White Witch lives on. 

Selma is crushed, leaving with "a heartbreak and a memory." It's a shame that her last act on the show was to shame her family. I will miss her in two ways, and her last words are "Everything rises to the top." Fitting. 

Poor Daniella never really had a shot. She only went on group dates and didn't get the time the other women got. She's tired of being heartbroken, and I wonder if she could've put herself out there a little more to stand out. 

That's it, and we're down to the final six. Next week, the women trade snowsuits for bikinis as they head to St. Croix and the U.S. Virgin Islands for some love on the crystal blue water. Shockingly, the weather isn't the only thing that get hot as AshLee faces off with Tierra and makes it her mission to make Sean aware of what's going on behind the scenes. 

Will it backfire? Will Sean continue to see only the good in Tierra, who now stands just five girls away from an engagement ring? Which of the remaining women is your favorite, and who do you think is next to go home? 

You can watch The Bachelor Monday nights at 8pm on ABC.


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(Image courtesy of ABC)