Here it goes,the finale of Rock of Love.  Twenty-five women entered the house at the start, and now it's down to two: Jes, the awesome chick with pink hair, and Heather, the former stripper who got Bret's name tattooed on the back of her neck.  Who will Bret Michaels pick?  And does it really matter in the long run, since the odds of the winner actually pursuing a long-term relationship with this aged rock star horndog are virtually nonexistent?

Recapper's Note: My VH1 station is a little messed up, so tonight's Rock of Love episode, for me, is looking a lot like scrambled porn.  It's probably the most appropriate way to watch this show, the perfect blend of subject and medium.

While packing for their trip to Cabo San Lucas, Jes is determined to win, while Heather's claws are coming out.  They travel via a plane that is "pimp" as Heather calls it.  First thing they do in Mexico: chill with sexy dancers.  Heather seems more interested in dancing with the sexy gals than she is in Bret, which he finds weird.

At dinner, Bret lays down some questions to get into the ladies' minds.  Bret thinks Heather is too into beautiful women, and that she might want to bring some other gals into the bedroom (which, shockingly, seems to be a bad thing to him).  Heather calls out Jes' young age, while Jes counters with the "You're still a stripper" defense.  This perfectly boils down the entire decision: Too young vs. the stripper.  I have no idea who the rose and who the thorn is.

A commercial for I Love New York 2 (which I'll totally be covering starting with tomorrow's casting special), makes me long for this show to be over.  The Rock of Love girls are pretty skanky, but the I Love New York men take classlessness to a whole different level.  In case you weren't planning on checking it out, I have two words for you: little person.  That's right, one of the male suitors is nicknamed Midget Mac, and while I have no clue what the current politically correct term is, since the show calls him a midget, that seems good enough for me.

Heather and Bret are riding a dune buggy when Bret's diabetes starts acting up, so he needs some food.  When did Bret Michaels turn into Wilford Brimley?  Heather takes the wheel, and goes insane, having a great time, while Bret is certain he's about to die.  He gets over it, and they make out on the beach.  Heather and Jes, back in the room, have words as Jes tries to call Heather out on looking like a stripper.  Heather blows it off, saying she's going to have dinner with her future husband.  Heather tries to find out where she stands vs. Jes, which is way too direct.

Bret is still worried about the stripping thing, and Heather comes out and says "I love you."  He gulps and doesn't say it back, which is so cold.  He covers it up with some quick tonsil hockey, but it doesn't change the fact that the non-reciprocation of "I love you" is about as bad as it gets.  They head back to his room for some "sexy alone time."  I don't think that "y" needs to be there, and it really is just like watching scrambled porn.

Heather shows up to brag to Jes about her date, saying she doesn't want to shower because she wants to keep Bret's scent on her.  Heather is amping up the skank factor, then disses Jes' wit, which is so wrong.  Jes is the funniest chick in the house.  Heather gets one last dig in about how Jes is getting her "sloppy seconds."  Heck, even I need to take a shower after that.

Bret takes Jes on a 75-foot yacht, which is a lot better than a dune buggy.  They make out virtually nonstop until the food arrives.  The big issue remains the emotional wall Jes has up, but it's hard for her to fully commit when he hasn't yet.  At dinner, Bret's diabetes starts acting up again.  His blood sugar is low, and he gives Jes an insulin shot to administer to him if he goes into a diabetic coma.  Worst public service announcement ever.  At dinner, he finally thinks her guard is down, and at this point, it's almost too obvious that he'll be picking her over Heather.  Jes lets us know that nothing ends a stressful day better than "going into a hot jacuzzi...naked."  This girl is trying my patience.  I want to love her, but then she goes and ruins it by falling for this guy's cheesy schtick.

Back in Los Angeles, Bret has a big choice to make.  It would appear that one girl (Jes) isn't as into him as he is into her, and the other (Heather) is more into him than he is into her.  Heather is confidently skanking it up, while Jes is terrified and an emotional wreck.  Heather gets in some last minute trash talk, saying she's surprised Jes even bothered to show up.

Final Rock of Love Elimination!  Heather has been his awesome party girl friend from the start, while Jes has warmed and opened up throughout the process.  He asks if there's any way both will be his girlfriend.  No, seriously, he actually proposes that as an earnest solution.  It's the absolute sleaziest moment of a very sleazy show, and confirms my worst suspicions of the deplorable human being that is Bret Michaels.  Why would either girl want to stay with a guy who would think that is a good idea?  Bret Michaels is no Hugh Hefner, that's for damn sure.

Heather would love to share him with Jes, naturally.  Jes says no, because she has integrity and self-respect.  He calls down Heather and dumps her.  She just storms off, cursing all the way.  Back to the pole for her!  Jes wins, and the 44-year-old rock star gets the 23-year-old chick.  Meanwhile, Heather remembers that she has a tattoo of "this BLEEPING loser's name on the back of my neck."  Dangit, for the first time, I feel really bad for her.  Similarly, I feel really bad for Jes, though hopefully she'll be out of that relationship soon enough.

That does it for Rock of Love, except next week we get a reunion special.  If you think Lacey is going to make it all about her, you're probably right.


-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of VH1)