Rock of Love: Episode 1 Recap
John Kubicek
John Kubicek
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Episode Overview: After meeting his 25 potential lovers, Bret Michaels and the ladies enjoy a night filled with alcohol, more alcohol, and lots of talk about sex. By the end of the first episode, nine women are sent home.

Sunday was the premiere of VH1’s latest reality dating series, Rock of Love. The premise is that 25 “babes” all vie for the love of Poison frontman and ’80s rock staple Bret Michaels. As he explains, he’s just looking for a woman he can be friends with, and have sex with. Then he’ll bring her home to meet his two daughters. Looks like Kevin Federline has some stiff competition for that Father of the Year trophy.

Before meeting the babes, we meet Big John, Bret’s head of security. He is tasked with a difficult mission: procure an “awesome pad” for the babes to live in. This also includes scrubbing toilets, stocking the fridge with beer and a little light vacuuming. Head of security, maid, they’re really two sides of the same coin.

Bret Michaels then finely details the requirements for his women: hot, cool, sexy, and able to deal with the insanity. You see, Bret has already met his one true love: rock ‘n’ roll, which he describes as “an insatiable bitch goddess.” All he wants is a woman willing to join him and his music for a threesome. Flavor Flav a chivalrous gentleman compared to this guy.

Now we meet the babes! There are 25, so it’s way too many to list, but we’ll stick with the highlights. Erin was named Miss Hooters of Illinois, and it’s obvious there was no real competition for that title. Raven’s favorite song was “Every Thorn Has Its Rose.” No, that’s not a typo. We scan the remaining babes, and notice two distinct camps: the posers and the real deals. The posers are the Erin-types: blonde, big boobs, obviously just using this show as a stepping stone to a Playboy cover (or, more likely, a two-page spread in Hustler). Then we get the real deals: pink-haired girls, tattoos up and down their arms, true rock groupies who believe Bret Michaels is God’s gift to women. It’s unclear which of these two groups is more delusional.

Bret drives up on his hog and the girls go insane. We’re treated to a barrage of confessionals all with a similar theme – the women all want to f*** him. As he introduces himself, Bret uses the terms “rock” and “awesome” about 47 times each. He also introduces the babes to Big John, who lays down three simple ground rules. Don’t enter Bret’s room unannounced, don’t touch the guitars, and don’t puke in the Jacuzzi. By the law of omission, I infer that vomiting is permitted everywhere else in the house.

Then Big John starts randomly picking girls, and the ones not picked are super jealous, even though they have no idea what’s going on. He selects five girls (Meredith, Tiffany, Kim, Kelly, and Pam) and sends the rest into the house. It’s the end of the road for the five he chose, and they’re going home right now. Um, really? Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that we’ve now cut the pool of ladies by 20 percent, but it is a bit mean-spirited, even for this show.

Once inside the house, and after alcohol is immediately consumed, we start to get generic personalities from some of the women. Lacey plays the drums. Kristia and Brandi C. are instant BFFs because they’re both Barbie wannabes. There’s a loud knock at the door, and we see Tiffany, refusing to leave. Big John is moved by her willingness to sleep in the bathroom, so he lets her back in. It will prove to be an unwise and unpopular decision. Those four other women are probably feeling quite foolish now, taking “No” for an answer.

The discussion then turns to breast augmentation. Most of the babes are huge supporters, easily noticeable by the huge amount of support needed to hold in those lady lumps. Brandi C. provides the choicest pearl of wisdom of the episode: “I love my boobs. They are the best birthday present I got….from my parents, last year.” Is it possible to be both stunned and not surprised?

The ladies line up behind a velvet rope and Bret walks in. Once again, we are treated to testimonials from the girls about how badly they want to f*** him. Bret, a photography enthusiast, opts to take pictures of the babes for their “All Access Passes.” If you think this is just an excuse for him to play amateur soft-core porn photographer, you wouldn’t be wrong. First are Rodeo and Tiffany, both of whom Bret finds sexually desirable, and both of whom plant some sloppy wet kisses all over his mouth. Tawny is disgusted because she doesn’t know where Tiffany has been. Well, I know where Bret Michaels has been, and it’s in a sex tape with Hepatitis C-ridden Pamela Anderson.

Emotions are flowing through Bret’s member, he states, as the deep-voiced and possible shemale Magdalena employs a popular French technique in her make-out session with him. He continues shooting pictures, making lots of “ooh”and “aah” noises, claiming he’s horny and ready to explode. Heather is tired of these “dumb-ass broads,” so she’s going to prove what sexy really means. As expected, she pops out a boob. The mob of other women sneer while Bret’s pants grow just a bit tighter.

Now it’s time for Bret Michaels to talk to the women. In the middle of chatting up some ladies, Brandi C. comes around and begs for him to teach her how to play pool. He says he will in two minutes, but she’s ultra needy and mad that he’s talking to girls who aren’t as pretty as she is. Bret’s attempt to connect with the ladies continues, unsuccessfully. Tamara is smoking hot, but she is stumped by even the simplest questions. Bret acknowledges that there’s nothing going on upstairs, but is quickly reminded of the fact that she has an amazing body. Good to see his priorities are in check as he searches for true love.

Other quick judgments: Tiffany is an alcoholic (this will become a recurring motif in the episode), Samantha is very cool with lots of tattoos, Heather marvels at the fact that she shares a birthday with one of Bret’s daughters. Strippers + a pole = hilarity. Brandi M. is another babe Bret wants badly to bone. Jessica feels “really smartly.” Raven is very intelligent and reads a lot about parallel worlds (perhaps those are where thorns have roses). Rodeo has a 7-year-old son, was paralyzed for two years and had cancer. Bret has juvenile diabetes. He suggests they fought similar battles.

Drunk Tiffany gets all up in Dallas’ face, and she is having none of it, while the others girls look on and laugh, because train wrecks are hysterical. Tiffany migrates outside and butts into some private time Bret is having with the awesome pink-haired Jes. The Barbie girls try for some alone time, and Tiffany once again stumbles over, sitting on Bret’s lap and riding him like a thoroughbred. He does not appreciate it, explaining, “She beat my penis to a pulp.”

Drunk Tiffany keeps slurring her way through the house, making less and less sense to the point where even her subtitles are unintelligible. Elsewhere, Brandi C, finally gets her alone time by putting on a skimpy pink bikini. Bret is drawn to her “heaving, well-implanted breasts” which convince him they will have “a strong, spiritual relationship.” I think he meant Biblical. He’s also moved by her willingness to let him have other girlfriends and/or wives. That woman is definitely marriage material.

Elimination time, finally! The ceremony consists of Bret picking girls to stay, and asking them to “rock [his] world.” The tension is poorly paced since he picks his 15 finalists, and so the six left are all gone. Sporadically peppering the eliminated girls throughout would have made it more entertaining, but no reality show is perfect.

With one to go, he gives a moving speech about needing to get to know more about this woman, then chooses Brandi C., the Barbie bimbo. Then, another twist: Bret has agreed to let one more girl back in! Unfortunately, it’s drunk Tiffany. In the immortal words of Whitney Houston from her own reality show, “Oh, Hell to the No!” Drinking too much, starting fights, slurring her words and chafing Bret’s penis apparently weren’t enough to keep her out. It’s quite clear the producers begged Bret to keep her around to cause drama, because there’s no other reason for this.

Now we get a parade of the five eliminated girls. First is Krista, who I swear I haven’t seen this whole episode (Krista is different from Kristia, so it’s for the best that one of them is gone now). Then there’s super-smart Raven, so I guess this thorn doesn’t have a rose. Jessica and her slutty Jessica Simpson impersonation are also ousted. Then Lauren and Bonnie leave, and I am absolutely certain I haven’t seen them this whole episode. The premiere ends with Bret Michaels and his Sweet 16 Babes drinking beer.

-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of VH1)