If you can't wait until 2009 for the third season of Rock of Love, VH1 is looking out for you, because last night the network premiered Rock of Love Charm School, in which 14 of the trashiest contestants from the first two seasons of the Bret Michaels dating show try to become civilized women. I guess VH1 thought doing the show with 14 chimpanzees would be too easy.

The premiere brought back many of my favorite Rock of Love girls (the villainess Lacey, Heather the stripper, and the incomprehensible Angelique) and a few I don't remember at all, possibly because while watching Rock of Love, I tried to stay as drunk as the girls. Ironically, the ringleader of this circus is Sharon Osbourne, who may have the filthiest mouth of any woman in rock ‘n' roll.

If you still aren't convinced this show is for you, one of the girls compares Lacey's red hair to the color of menstrual blood. I'm hooked. The show brilliantly puts famous rivals in rooms together. Lacey and Dallas (who fought over animal rights in season 1) are in bunk beds, while Heather Chadwell is forced to share a room with I Love Money rivals Megan Hauserman and Brandi C.

There's also Courtney, who I vaguely recognize as the chick who got so drunk in the first episode of Rock of Love 2 that she got eliminated while she was passed out in another room. She vows this time will be different, but Brandi M. Is an enabler who pours Courtney countless vodka and Red Bulls. Twenty minutes into the episode, Courtney is falling down, crashing through glass doors, and just a total drunken mess.

Raven is one of the two black girls, and it's a bad sign when I still don't remember her, though she now has white hair for some reason. Dying your hair seems to be a trend, as Brandi C. and Angelique have dyed their blonde hair pink.

The first fight comes when Lacey tickles Dallas' butt, resulting in Dallas throwing an apple in Lacey's ear as hard as she can. The second fight comes when Raven, who thinks she's too good for this show, mocks the intelligence of the other contestants. She has a valid point for Megan and Brandi C., but Jessica is apparently a mathematician for NASA, which should automatically disqualify her from this show.

Jessica has a bond with Lacey, and their empire becomes larger when Megan and Brandi C. take a shine to them, instantly forming the unholiest of alliances. After a quick mixer with Sharon and the two other judges, Ricky Rachtman and fashionista/rock wife Daniella Clark, it's time for the first elimination ceremony. Before it even starts, Raven voluntarily leaves because she thinks she's too good for this show and wants to get started on her career as a new age talk show host.

However, Sharon still has to expel someone and calls Lacey, Dallas and Courtney to the floor. Mirroring Rock of Love, Courtney is sent home on the premiere of Rock of Love Charm School. Sharon says what Courtney really needs is rehab, not this show.

This season on Rock of Love Charm School: Fights, tears, fights, hugs, fights, and more fights. I'd like to echo Brandi C.'s thoughts (or in her case, maybe it's just “thought”) as she says, “I honestly feel bad for humanity.”


-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of VH1)