We all know the girls from Rock of Love are all losers in the game of love, so this week on Rock of Love Charm School, Sharon gives them dating tips. A relationship coach comes in to tell the girls they shouldn't get emotional or talk about their exes, and as Brandi C. points out, it all boils down to “Don't be a slut.” This is going to be harder than I thought.

Making matters worse, Sharon brings in a team of “unstylists” to give the girls ugly makeovers so they can't rely on their looks. Being made ugly simply means putting on a fat suit and a bunch of moles. Fat girls with moles around the country should be angry that Charm School is saying they're ugly, although, to be fair, the girls do look pretty ugly after their makeovers.

The girls then go on five-minute dates with three eligible bachelors, and the show has someone managed to score some pretty big guest stars.

Bachelor #1 is a real bachelor, literally. He was the star of ABC'S The Bachelor in season 7 and is the brother of a famous actor. Meet...Charlie O'Connell! Bachelor #2 is a Grammy-nominated singer who made it big on American Idol. Meet...Ace Young! And Bachelor #3 is a no-name advertising executive who I suppose is supposed to be a modern-day Don Draper. Meet...John Wolfe!

Lacey fails miserably, blathering on about herself the whole time. Brandi C. wants to have S&M sex with John Wolfe. Brandi M. Is surprisingly comfortable and peasant on her dates. And Kristy Joe is woefully awkward, but the deck is stacked against her since she wears the largest fat suit.

In the end, both Charlie and John choose Brandi M. As the winner, while Ace chooses Destiney. As the winners, both get to go out to a club with the guys, without the ugly makeover. The other girls get to go to, only they must stay in costume. Heather and Brandi C. get depressed because of this and consume mass quantities of alcohol.

At the club, Brandi C. throws caution to the wind and just starts making out ferociously with John Wolfe. At least Don Draper was the decency to have random sex with classy whores. When the night is over, Heather is passed out drunk, and Lacey conspires to start a huge yelling match between the drunk Heather and Brandi C. And that's when all hell breaks loose.

It's impossible to accurately describe the events that transpired, but let me try. Brandi C. yells at Heather, the other girls get angry, and somehow, that scene ends with Brandi C. spitting in Destiney's face.

During this incident, Jessica is helping Heather, who is having an asthma attack. Heather confronts Lacey about the spitting incident, and Heather, in a heightened state of delusion, claims that she's an A-list celebrity. If Kathy Griffin is on the D-list, then Heather's list doesn't even have a letter. Heather gets on the phone with her mom, and Jessica takes the phone after getting Heather some pizza. Lacey walks by, so rather than eat the pizza, Heather throws the plate at Lacey, shattering it on the stairs.

The next morning, Brandi C. has no idea what happened, so Jessica clues her in, and this leads to an emotional conversation between Destiney and Brandi C. where all is forgiven because Lacey is really to blame.

Rock of Love Charm School Elimination Time! Sharon tries to get to the bottom of what happened with the spitting and plate throwing and yelling, and thankfully Jessica, the only sober one, is there to explain it. Lacey pulls a last-minute Hail Mary by bringing up Heather's claim about being a celebrity, causing Sharon to shout, “You bitches are not celebrities. I'm the f***ing celebrity!” As bad as they are, as soon as Sharon hears about the spitting incident, Brandi C. is expelled. Sharon is just way too worried about the bacteria that could be spread.

Next week on Rock of Love Charm School: The girls put on a puppet show, then write songs and poems about each other. If you think that sounds sweet and child-like, you don't know these girls.


-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of VH1)