Rock of Love Bus: Episode 1 Recap
Abbey Simmons
Abbey Simmons
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
If the premiere was any indication, this is going to be the hardest rocking and heaviest drinking, Rock of Love yet. Bret and his bevy of could-be girlfriends have taken the reality show out of the mansion and on the road, accompanying Bret on a cross-country tour. Last night's hour-and-a-half long premiere introduced us to the 19 women who hope to be Bret's lasting love and taught us the following valuable reality TV lesson: choking another contestant is fine, but taking a shot out of another contestants nether-region is too crazy; even for Bret Michaels.

But let me not get ahead of myself, as there was at least half an hour of show before what is certain to become one of the most infamous drinks ever had on television. As in previous two seasons of Rock of Love, the ladies who've been chosen to vie for Bret's affection tend towards the plastic and fame-searching, with a few genuine folks sprinkled in for good measure. In hopes of getting to know the girls and to get a taste of their personality, Bret decides to have the girls pose for some sexy backstage pass photos.

First up is Brittaney, who Bret recognizes immediately from her work in adult films. Brittaney feigns embarrassment for being recognized as a porn star and tells Bret that that part of her life is over and she's now dedicated to music and song-writing. This leads into the first painful musical performance for Bret, but not the last. Next up is Nikki, a horrifying mix of botched boobs and the love-child of Frenchie and Daisy from last season. Upon meeting Bret, Nikki declares she'd prefer to be called DJ Lady Tribe.  When DJ Lady Tribe isn't busting out of her corset and saying she could "orgasm over and over and over and over again," she's rapping to Bret from a sheet of lyrics written on the back of piece of paper with the words Genital Herpes instructions at the top in bold font. You think things couldn't get worse or crazier from DJ Lady Tribe, but just you wait.

After DJ Lady Tribe, there's the requisite tattooed bleached blonds--who Bret nicknames "the blond-tourage", Kelsey--the cute Utah girl who says "some people get by on smarts, some people get by on looks. I've used my looks." There's Taya, a Penthouse Playmate and cover-girl who notes correctly that despite being a nude model, she's the classiest lady there. There's Constandina, who wants to talk to Bret about her third-eye and her Master's Degree in story-telling. Gia, a tattooed blond who's into bondage, is the first girl to get naked. There's Natasha, who's wearing a stripper version of Bjork's Oscar swan dress, who dreams of opening her own escort agency in Canada. There's Beverly, a tom-boy and the only girl not wearing stripper shoes, who seems to genuinely like Bret and his music. And about 10 other girls who don't do much to stand out to me, but hopefully they made an impression on Bret.

After the photo-shoot, it's time to board the Rock of Love buses and get to the evening's gig. The blonde's head straight to the pink bus, while the brunettes and the not-insane blonds head for the blue bus. Within moments of boarding the pink bus, there's drinking and fighting going on. Ashley, one of the tattooed blonds, who Bret describes as "hot in a Natural Born Killers kind of way," gets on the wrong side of Brazilian bomb-shell Marcia, and ends up with a drink poured on her head. Ashley may be the first to suffer this fate, but she's certainly not the last. In fact, I think there were more drinks poured on fellow contestants heads in the premiere of Rock of Love Bus, than there was in all previous Rock of Love seasons combined. While the pink bus is fighting, screaming, and generally having a horrible time, it's all koombiyah on the boring blue bus.

When the ladies get to Bret's concert, half of them are already drunk and all of them are excited to get on stage with Bret. While some of contestants, Beverly, Taya, and ex-model Maria, seem to be soaking up every moment of Bret being on stage; some of the other ladies seem much more interested in each other. Despite being a "family-friendly'' show with kids in the audience, Gia, DJ Lady Tribe, and fellow blond-tourage member Farrah, spend the entirety of their time on stage groping each other, flashing their boobs, and making out. Farrah proclaims, "when I'm drunk, I just think I'm a lesbian...though I usually don't remember it." Well don't worry Farrah, it's on Vh1 now for the world to see! After rocking out the county-fair crowd, Bret is ready for an after-party with his rocks of love, and Bret implores the ladies "to really bring the party." Bret, unaware of what's already gone down on the bus and behind him on stage, obviously did not know what he was getting in to.

Even before Bret arrives at the private after-party, more drinks have been poured on people's heads. This time, it's Gia who's poured a beer on Beverly's head. But just as Bret requested, the girls really do bring the crazy to the after-party. Half of them are stumbling around on their four-inch heels, shots are being passed around like water, and when Gia lays on the bar for a body shot, DJ Lady Tribe takes it to a whole new level of yuck. While what DJ Lady Tribe did couldn't be shown on TV, even with censored blurring, Bret Michaels himself seems completely shocked. Bret does say that he takes solace in the fact "alcohol kills 99% of all germs." We're not comforted at all by that fact, though it will likely take a lot of alcohol to remove the image of Gia and Lady Tribe from our mind. Before leaving, Bret swaps spit which just about all of the 19 ladies and then it's back on the road for the girls.

The drama continues when the sun-rises, which also seems to be when the drinking starts. By mid-morning everyone is trashed, save the boring brunettes who are either abstaining from early morning alcohol or they hold their liquor much better than the blonds. But no one, is putting it back like Marcia, who's easily put back a bottle of tequila and a few beer chasers. Marcia says she loves tequila, so "Rock of Love is perfect because there is always free tequila laying around"...we see this going poorly. And it does, spectacularly. By noon the tequila and Doritos's aren't sitting well with Marcia, and she becomes the first contestant to bow to the porcelain god this season. She will certainly not be the last. Unfortunately, puking doesn't sober Marcia up, so when Bret walks in the room, she is all over him, planting a big wet kiss Dorito-tequila-vomit on his lips. Marcia's drunk antics don't sit well with a few of the other contestants and another fight erupts between Ashley and Marcia. When Ashely dumps some tequila on the drunk Brazilian, Marcia pounces on Ashley "for wasting good tequila" and proceeds to choke her. The fight is broken up by security guards and the mid-day drinking is ruined.

At the first elimination, Bret decides that instead of calling out girl by girl, he's going to ask seven girls to stay behind and within that group, he will decide which two will continue on the tour. The group he chooses is filled with surprises: there's porn star Brittaney, wild-child Gia, DJ Lady Tribe, Marcia the Brazilian choker, and three girls  who seem far too normal and quiet to be on Rock of Love.

The first girl Bret saves from elimination is Marcia, Bret says he likes her fiery personality but he's worried she might kill them all... which truthfully isn't all that unreasonable of a concern. The last lady to be saved elimination is Brittaney, who is sobbing as Bret hands down his decision. He says he can't fault her for a job well done in her past line of work, and that he'd like to get to know her better. We were shocked that Bret let Gia go. Despite the fact she made out with Farrah on stage and let DJ Lady Tribe take a shot out of her lady parts, she seemed just like Bret's type: young, blond, wild, and fun. We were glad to see DJ Lady Tribe go, because we honestly couldn't sit through another episode with her freakishly bad boob job and over-the-top antics, but also remain impressed that someone was just too crazy for Bret Michaels.

-- Abbey Simmons, BuddyTV Staff Writer

(Image Courtesy of Vh1)