Rock of Love Bus: Episode 2 Recap
Abbey Simmons
Abbey Simmons
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
While the premiere episode of Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels was filled with debauchery and insanity, the second episode of the season left the debauchery behind and was firmly focused on insanity. Disappointingly, in episode 2 there were no thrown drinks, no choking, and no one bowing to the porcelain throne--there was however, lots of nudity, cat fights, and crying. Well, there was lots of Brittaney crying. Every reality show has to establish it's crier early on and on Rock of Love Bus the constant crier is Brittaney Starr, former porn star turned professional Bret Michaels stalker. While supposedly all of these girls are looking for love with Bret Michaels, Brittaney has found it after a full day of a half on the road and she's about to let him know that in a big way.

For the first official challenge of the season, Bret asks the ladies to write him hypothetical wedding vows. While most of the women take this chance to promise Bret a lifetime of naughtiness, Brittaney decides to write Bret five pages of bad Hallmark Card style vows. About Brittaneys' vows Bret says, "Brittaney is either madly in love with me or certifiably insane." Sorry to say it Bret, but it looks to us like it may be a little bit of both. While Bret struggles with Brittaney's over-the-top vows, he perks up at the promises of Farrah, Ashley, and Brittanya. Both Farrah and Ashley make their vows to Bret in dirty rhyme, with Farrah promising him, “We can party and have a good time. And occasionally, you can hit it from behind.” Bret seems most impressed and intrigued by Brittanya's 'wedding gift,' a piercing which she promises he can "put back in place" if they get to know each other better. Hopefully she soaked that thing in boiling water or alcohol before giving it to him.

With no concern for public health, Bret chooses Brittanya, Farrah and Taya as winners of the first challenge. For wooing Bret with their vows, the ladies will have a private date with Bret and the other winners. Brittaney, the writer of the longest-fake-wedding-vows-ever, is beside herself for not being chosen. She says she's hurt that Bret didn't appreciate her heart-felt vows and she cries about it...a lot. In fact, after the ill-advised sharing of vows, Brittaney basically spends the rest of the episode crying or picking fights with other girls about her crying. The night's competition isn't over yet, while a few ladies have won a date with Bret, there is still the matter of VIP passes. To determine which three ladies will get these all access passes, Bret and Big John decide to host a round of "Are You Smarter Than a Rockstar?" The answer is a resounding "no." In fact, only one of the ladies even manages to get a single questions right, former Penthouse Pet Taya. Since Bret can't chose the winners on the correct number of answers they got, he decides to hand out passes to the girls he thinks are the sexiest. Once again Taya and Brittanya end up winners, while future brothel owner Natasha is also granted an all access pass.

The next day, in the middle of nowhere Indiana, Bret takes his winning ladies on their private date. It is without a doubt, the dullest date in the history of reality TV. Bret takes Brittanya, Taya, and Farrah to a pumpkin patch for a hay ride and picnic. That's it--not a naked pumpkin patch or a pole dancing picnic--just a plain old day at the farm. After Bret returns from him date he decides to talk to a few girls he needs to get to know better before elimination. He talks to blonde beauty Melissa, who suffered the first freak-out of the season in the premiere episode. Melissa tells Bret she thinks he should send her home at elimination that night, because "if we date, it's going to be just you and me." To which we say--WTF?! I mean, she does realize that she signed up for a reality show where she would be competing with multiple other women for Bret's affection, right? In his one on one time Bret also seeks out belly-dancing, third-eye-using Constandina. I was shocked Bret didn't eliminated this hippie-dippy chick on the first elimination, but Bret says he's enchanted by her eyes and spiritual side. Unfortunately for Constandina, this enchantment is ruined when she tells Bret she has taken a vow "to not have all the way sex" for three years.

When it comes to elimination time, Bret has a difficult decision to make. While it's obvious a few of the ladies are going to stay around, his connection to the rest of the contestants isn't nearly as clear. There are no surprises in the first nine ladies that Bret calls, but when it comes down to the final six women: Brittaney, Melissa, Marcia, Megan, Constandina and Samantha--it is a battle of the bad girls versus the boring. On one hand the bad girls may be stalkers, unwilling to share a man who is constantly surrounded by groupies, or a shot away from alcohool poisoning--they are compelling TV. Bret, always the performer and obviously a lover of the insane, decides to keep the bad girls and let the boring and all-the-way-sex-free go. Of course, being kept on tour makes Brittaney cry even more, while elimination has the usually calm and centered Constandina declaring "I thought this was Rock of Love, not Rock of F*ck." Obviously, her third eye hadn't been watching the past seasons of Rock of Love, or she would've known better.

Next Week on Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels: Bret is looking for a woman with maternal he puts his twelve girls in ice skates to see how well they protect "Baby Bret" against the University of Illinois Women's Hockey Team and special guest player, Lacey (Rock of Love 2, Charm School). When one of the girls is accused of making a secret phone call to someone who might be her boyfriend, it leads to one of the most heated elimination ceremonies yet.

-- Abbey Simmons, BuddyTV Staff Writer
[Image Source: Vh1]

Relive the scandal of Episode 1 of Rock of Love Bus: