'Revolution' Recap: Upping the 'Ugh' Factor
'Revolution' Recap: Upping the 'Ugh' Factor
Bill King
Bill King
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
Last week, I wrote about how I just needed to accept the fact that the Revolution version of the future was basically a terrible place where humanity and common decency were difficult to come by and the man with the most guns made the rules.

Well, as if to reinforce that very point, the disturbingly titled "Love Story" may be one of the goriest episodes to date. In fact, Revolution might just be the most violent show on television. And I watch American Horror Story.

And if the Republican Party has a problem with U.S. government being involved in every aspect of American life right now, boy oh boy should they hope they're all on the planes that come down the night of the blackout.

Because this version of the U.S. government has only been out of Cuban exile for like six months, and they've already got spies and cronies mixed into each and every storyline we've got.

Before we dive into the main plot of "Love Story," let's catch up on what's happening on the side. And (presumed) spoiler alert, I think we're about to have a reunion on our bloody, bloody hands.

Tom and Jason

The surviving members of the Neville clan are still toiling in the post-nuclear Savannah Refugee Camp, where they earned their American flag patches from the Secretary of State and other visiting U.S. government forces. The plan is to use their aliases (please be Gus Fring, please be Gus Fring), sling hash and perform other menial tasks while building up trust so they can bring the whole thing down from the inside. 

But before they get very far, three guys beat the crap out of them with baseball bats. Hey, it's a violent world. 

Tom correctly figures out that they're not being robbed, but vetted for their new positions. He lies to the CO about his identity (and not with Gus Fring), but since the post-apocalyptic American military is still totally badass, they know he's Monroe Militia Major Tom Neville with son JayJay. 

Given yet another unwarranted chance, Tom admits he doesn't give any of the dead rats' asses from last week about the US government or the New England Patriots and has a bloodlust for vengeance against the person responsible for the bombs that killed his wife -- Sebastian Monroe. 

Dude doesn't buy that either and is about to put us all out of Giancarlo Esposito's insanely superior acting misery before Madam Secretary interrupts and lets him go. But she's keeping dear JayJay to make sure Tom stays on the proper path.

Monroe, Charlie and the Beautiful Bounty Hunter

This trio is still wandering the Plains Nation after Sebastian's earlier escape. Charlie's new beau is of course a U.S government-hired bounty hunter with orders to bring Monroe in alive to trade for his father. So that's why he can't have any hot, sexually-active and manipulative teenagers going around trying to kill the guy.
BUT we WILL stare at her ass gratuitously while she walks, until Monroe jumps out of the bushes, socks him in the face and yells, "Hey! That's my ex-best friend's brother's daughter!"

He shows Charlie wanted posters issued by the U.S. government for both for him AND Rachel Matheson. She confronts beautiful bounty, who admits his whole dad story was a bunch of bull. 

Monroe is about to kill him, but since he's apparently taking orders from Charlie now just one day after giving her lip about not respecting his authority, he just bashes Mr. Hunter in the face with the butt of his gun. Hey, it's a violent world.

Monroe wants to buddy up with Charlie and find Miles and Rachel to warn them about the government coming for their guns heads, but she's like, screw you, buddy, and if you don't want to ogle my sweet ass as I walk away, you can shoot me. 

A Love Story Straight Out of Pulp Fiction

Now it's time to dive down into the underworld, where wives with diabetes get full body blood transfusions like The Rolling Stones between shows and creepy pedophiles paint intricate wings on porcelain angel figurines. 

We knew what we were in for from the establishing shot -- an old battered ballerina doll spinning around to slow music in the blood-letting room. It's how every quality family melodrama begins and the first "Ugh" moment of the opening five minutes. 

After getting treated to a disturbing needle jab and blood flowing like water between busted-handed Miles and kidney-failed Jessica in a hunk of clear plastic tubing (Ugh No. 2 -- Guess O-negative really DOES save lives!), Rachel, her dad and a security dude emerge from the floor grate to save the day. 

Guess which of the three arriving rescuers things aren't going to end well for?

Miles orders the dad from 7th Heaven to steal the sick wife while he, Rachel and the security dude save the other prisoners. Figured out which one is going to die yet?

Security dude shoots a baddie, which attracts the attention of, I don't know, everyone, and he quickly takes a hatchet to the chest in horrifically gross "Ugh" fashion. Hey, it's a violent world.

Everyone else manages to escape, and Titus is pissed about the loss of his wife, the interruption of his hobby time and the fact that he didn't see the death of security dude coming. 

The Real-Life Romeo

Back at home base town, Beardy explains to his lady friend that he's not Jesus (even though he resurrected from the dead) and was actually saved by a billion tiny invisible machines. And she's like, bro, have you seen your Jesus beard? Besides, just because God didn't save you doesn't mean He didn't tell the billion tiny machines to do it for Him. 

They are quickly interrupted by the return of the caravan, followed by the Titus mob nipping at their heels. Titus vows to slaughter every man, woman and child in the town if he doesn't get his dear sweet Jessica back immediately, proving definitively that maniacal psychopaths who are former headmasters of all-boys schools and facing child pornography charges and then form a cult of said boys so they can all be "free" to love however they want CAN be doting and devoted heterosexual husbands.

Enter the US Government

Because nothing goes wrong when Uncle Sam gets involved! Miles tries to strike a deal in which everyone in town will be able to leave peacefully, but Titus just wants to kill everyone until his right-hand man -- who we saw last week put the dollar-bill eye-pyramid stamp on the letter to the secretary -- pulls him aside and says the U.S. Government hired him to scare the town, not gut it. 

But Titus no longer cares about government-back security diamonds. All bets are off. It's his wife or blood. Because THAT'S true love.

The Return of the 'Ugh'

After contemplating the idea of returning to Titus, who kept her chained to the bed like Grandpa Joe in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (Joe was chained by crippling poverty, but same difference), Jessica is like, "nu uh" and takes the easy way out by slicing her wrists with a piece of broken glass.

She goes deep, too. For real. It was like the time my best friend and I rented a Wave Race 64 from Blockbuster, and we realized it was horrible, so I suggested Matt put a scratch on the disk so we could return it and get another one without paying. Then I turn around, and he's going to town on the game with a pen cap. 

Sure enough, when we got to the video store, the clerk yelled, "Someone did this intentionally!" and they immediately looked up who rented the game before us. Sorry to whoever that was, by the way. I know it's 15 years too late, but it's the thought.

So while Jessica died in two growing pools of quickly-coagulating blood, all I could think was, "One scratch probably would've done the job, dude." Ugh.

A Battle Royale ... With Cheese

While the townsfolk flee (and Aaron gets Cynthia on a wagon), Titus sends his super sneaky Scarface ninja over the side wall and into the town. No one notices him, even though he looks like a Mad Max character, and he finds Jessica dead and reports back to the boss. 

As Miles and Rachel fight over whether or not he should sacrifice himself, Titus' mob attacks and floods the town. Amid all the slashings and murder, Aaron manages to corral the surviving wagoners into a bar, but not before several of them die of typhoid, cholera and diphtheria. And several arrows to the chest. Tomahawk Steve is giving chase though.

While Titus cries by his wife's still-bloody corpse, Miles and his busted appendage fight five guys lefty-style, taking out most of them with his machete before Rachel gets hit with a crossbow shot.

Miles tries to fight while helping her, and soon, the end is nigh. Until the U.S. Army arrives, machine guns blazing. Within seconds, all the bad guys are dead (including Tomahawk Steve), the right-hand man has put a bag over Titus' head and Rachel and her faint pulse are receiving medical attention. 

Miles watches the soldiers romp into town, in formation, like a grownup watches the Christmas parade in the town he grew up in as a child. He is finally home, but is this a U.S. government anyone can trust? Have we ever had a trustworthy government? 

Moving On

So thanks to the U.S. Government, all our factions are moving toward a reunion of sorts. Will they team up to stop all the growing threats? Or will they fight one another on opposing sides? 

And are Miles and Rachel in love? I mean, they certainly seem to need each other in more than that "I banged my brother's wife" kind of romantic way. 

According to the promo, all the answers are coming. 

All I know for sure is that if this is what we have to look forward to in the future, I might hope I'm on one of those planes as well (just not the one with all the Republicans). 

You can watch Revolution every Wednesday at 8pm on NBC.

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(Image courtesy of NBC)