When Lindsay Lohan first announced that she'd be making her triumphant return to cinema in the form of the Elizabeth Taylor Lifetime "biopic" Liz & Dick
, no one was thinking it was time to start carving her name into an Emmy. Well, thanks to Lindsay's drug habit, the time is finally here to pass critical judgement. Here are 9 reasons why Liz & Dick
is just so awesomely bad.
9. The Interview Format
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The movie starts out in a When Harry Met Sally
type interview segment, where Liz and Dick start to tell us all how their epic love story played out. Besides directing us in the opposite direction of any kind of narrative, the two continue to interject through the rest of the film with ridiculously scripted confessionals and their lack of any kind of chemistry.
Not to mention, when were these confessionals filmed? They talk about their relationship in retrospective, yet they are both young. They even talk about Richard's death. What is happening? Are they filming this in some kind of worm hole? I need to know
. 8. The Costumes
It has to be pretty difficult to find a way to make the costumes look even cheesier and old-fashioned than they actually looked 50 years ago, but somehow this production manages it. It's not all bad, though. Lindsay does manage to make over 60 costume changes in an 88 minute movie
. And they seem to have done some padding in Lindsay's breast department, which makes Dick's pet name for Liz "dumpy" (or "lumpy" in some other unintentional instances) all the more appropriate.
And Lindsay's freckles are basically their own character in the movie, as I doubt Liz Taylor had half as many. Also, this movie takes place over the course of more than 10 years and LiLo doesn't age a day. Of course, playing someone who is 40 isn't really a stretch for her considering how beat she looks. Then we get the biggest treat of all with Lindsay's portrait as Liz in the '80s:7. The Sets
Including the all-black backdrop they sit against for the interview portions, most of the sets look like they were built with a Lifetime TV network budget ... oh wait, that's because they were. When Liz and Dick first ignite their affair, we're treated to trailer sets that shake with every step, and when they reunite after a temporary separation, it's in front of glorious green screens of the castles and the scenic backdrop of Switzerland. 6. The Random Familiar Faces
Hey, who can we get to play the greedy network executive? How about Creed
from The Office
? Oh yeah, he'll do. What about the guy from The Nanny
to play director Anthony Asquith? And of course, Cooter
from True Blood
would make the perfect Richard Burton. Sure! Casting everybody! 5. Lindsay Throwing Stuff
If you ever find yourself in a room with Lindsay Lohan and there are bottles or glasses of booze around, watch out because if she's anything like her Elizabeth Taylor character, chances are she's gonna throw things. At you. 4. The Plot
Of course, when I say "the plot," I am specifically referring to the fact that there is none. They're here and they're there. They're fighting and then they're having sex and then they're making a movie. There is nothing central driving this so-called "movie." No attempt to explain what drives either one of its main characters. No themes or narrative. No anything. Just two people pretending to be other people. 3. The Score
The score, oh the score. It's hard to explain how terrible the score is. It's like the intro to a Real Housewives
show and Liz is going to flip around at any moment and say to the camera, "Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend. Dick is!" 2. The Dialogue
all around. Take this clever little exchange between Elizabeth and her mother, for example:
"Not that I'm counting, but I think you just ended your fourth marriage!"
Don't know. Considering she's counting, she's probably the one counting, right? Logic. 1. Lindsay Lohan
Of course, Lindsay is both the biggest draw of this movie as well as the biggest disaster. While in some obscure lighting you can see a glimpse of resemblance to Elizabeth Taylor, her raspy smoker Lindsay voice just takes you out of anything that may have been a believable portrayal. It's way too easy to see right through Lifetime's attempt to do anything other than set up a ratings stunt and just see Lindsay playing dress-up in a sadly elaborate ploy to make anyone believe that she's anything more than just a ploy herself. That sounds way harsh -- maybe I should just go write it in the Burn Book
. (Images courtesy of Lifetime)