My Life as a Lifetime Movie: 'Made for TV'
My Life as a Lifetime Movie: 'Made for TV'
So, as excited as I am to watch My Life is a Lifetime Movie, I can't say that I've ever thought my life was worthy of one. I hold Lifetime Original Movies in very high regard, and since I've never been murdered or sought revenge, I've never deemed my life as worthy. But that's what Lifetime is all about, right? Ordinary women? So I've started thinking about living a more Lifetime Movie-worthy life, and there are just a few adjustments I'd need to make to make it the type of "loosely based" Lifetime Original I'd love to watch.

As a TV blogger, the I would first need to become a lot more obsessed with TV, like to the point where I think reality TV is 100% real, and I consider the cast of Bachelor Pad my close friends. The movie would open with me like, feverishly typing recaps, intercut with clips of TV shows I'm watching--Rose ceremonies, talent show eliminations, and anything from Criminal Minds. Obviously, I'm a woman entirely dedicated to her work, and not at all interested in a social life. But OBVIOUSLY, I want love!

Eventually, someone (a man!) starts commenting on all my articles and recaps, then PMs (Private Messages) me (on some royalty-free chat service that goes along with the fake blog I work on for the purposes of this movie). Everyone who has seen a healthy amount of Lifetime Original Movies knows that the internet should never be trusted, but I don't know this in the movie because god, I'm so desperate and lonely. I can't believe someone fell in love with my words! Oh, I should also mention that at this point in the movie, if it wasn't already evident, I am mousy and glasses-wearing as all get out. I'm a total troll at this point; a troll with good bone structure.

So my internet stranger, Doug (of course his name is Doug, you know?), and I start chatting ONLINE a lot and he is so into me I can't believe it. He's nice and says I'm pretty and wants to take me away from all of this, just like on a reality TV dating show that closely resembles The Bachelor but for licensing reasons isn't. One night, I have a date to chat online with Doug but some kind of TV-related emergency comes up or my car isn't working or my cat gets sick or something, something just super pathetic and sad. I get online late and Doug is all, "WHERE WERE YOU?" and starts making all these crazy accusations and calling me a slut. Eventually I soothe him by telling him it was nothing and I really want to be with him and him only. He warns me not to let it happen again. Viewers, at this point, should know that Doug is full-blown cray.

Time goes by, seasons of TV shows go by, and Doug and I start meeting IRL. We go for walks in the park, he grabs my arm too hard, we are blissfully unaware of the crumbling economy or what year it is. Doug calls me flabby and useless, but also tells me I'm dressed like a slut. I'd do anything to make him happy, but it seems nothing will! One day, I decide to swing by the bakery to pick up a cake for Doug as a surprise for him on his birthday. The bakery takes longer than anticipated, and I'm not home by 5:15 like Doug expects me to be. He's furious when I get home at 5:30, then throws the cake and me against the wall. He tells me I need to get my act together, and that he's leaving me until I do. The cake and I sit against the wall, crushed, as Doug storms out.

Over the course of a montage, I become very depressed, even though there wasn't very far to go. Finally, a real person friend, probably a supportive but non-threatening female, recommends a movie or TV show that is slightly empowering and I start to see a glimmer of my true value. In hopes of winning Doug back, I buy myself some nicer clothes and start going to the gym. At this point in the movie, I go from a 2 to a 5 out of 10. But you know, I'm really getting out there more. On my way out of a coffee shop one day, I see Doug with another woman. He is being very sexy with her, and also saying really mean things about me. I guess that turns her on. This causes me to flash back to sepia-toned footage we've already seen of Doug being awful to me. Now it's not about getting him back, it's about getting even (and that's the tag line for the movie, by the way).

I start going to the gym more regularly, but this time with a focus on self-defense and kickboxing. I also start looking a lot better and have better hair because now I'm doing it for me! I start feeling so good about myself, in fact, that I almost forget about Doug. That is, until I see the face of the woman he was talking to on the front page of the newspaper with the headline: "WOMAN MISSING." I know, somehow, that Doug must be behind it. I go to the police but they're total dicks, of course, and don't believe anything women have to say. It's time to take matters into my own hands.

Because I'm really smart (I used to wear glasses earlier in the movie, remember?), I start doing research on Doug. I enlist the help of a very hotsexy computer hacker, who I will fall in love with by the end of the movie. He looks into Doug's screen name and computer usage and unearths a horrific history of chats and abuse. I am not the first lady he has done this to, and that cake and I got lucky! Doug has had a bunch of different names (screen names and IRL aliases! He is the Oda Mae Brown of the internet), and can be linked to a missing woman in every county. And you know what? The police aren't doing enough. It's time to take matters into my own hands even more, and this time my hands will be taped up like Jennifer Lopez does in Enough.

At this point, I really want me to kill Doug. He's a horrible person and a serial killer. But women who take justice into their own hands usually end up like, in jail. So I plan an artful confrontation for Doug. It involves lots of Home Alone-style pranks so that he is also humiliated by the time I get to him. The objective is to get him to confess. He's probably hanging upside down at one point and I have a knife and he's like "You really look great, you know," and I'm like "I KNOW." Then, Doug is so scared of me and overwhelmed by my beauty, that he trips and falls en route to the police station with a written confession, and falls down a cliffside. It's sort of a Disney death, but it was totally not my fault and no one can trace it to me anyway. The police find his body and the confession, and this case is wrapped!

In the final scene, I'm holding a rose just like they would on that show that we all know is The Bachelor/ette but for licensing purposes isn't called that in the movie. I'm at a graveyard for confessed murderers, so it's not a very nice graveyard and there aren't a lot of flowers or mourners. I'm wearing a very chic black dress and a wide-brimmed black hat and I just look so effing fierce. I throw the rose on Doug's grave, and walk toward the awesome car that my hotsexy hacker drives and finally I have it all!

Oh, and Doug is played by Rob Lowe, of course. And the movie is called "Made for TV."

Alternate titles for this movie:
All She Ever Wanted Was Revenge
Murder, She Blogged
The Perfect Ending
How Carla Got Her Groove Back, and Stopped a Serial Killer

How would your life be like a Lifetime Movie? Would it be one you would watch? Don't forget to check out My Life is a Lifetime Movie on Lifetime, premiering October 17 at 10/9c to hear the stories of people whose lives actually inspired Lifetime Movies!

(images courtesy of Lifetime)