The 2013 Teen Choice Awards
ensued Sunday night in a storm of pop culture, colorful personalities, and swoon-worthy moments. Hosted by Lucy Hale of Pretty Little Liars
's Darren Criss, the TCA's
brought out the biggest teen stars to perform, present, win, and invoke shrill fangirl screams.
Boy band One Direction opened the show with a performance of their latest hit, "Best Song Ever". I love that song, but I have to say--did they have cinder blocks in their shoes?! They barely moved around except for the occasional dramatic ear-piece adjustment. They seemed a tad confused by the scene, though I'm not sure why; they should be getting pretty used to thousands of teenagers screaming their name. Niall had an unsettling amount of freshly grown chest hair exposed...but all around, they looked and sounded great. Immediately after their performance, they were brought back on stage as the first award winners of the night. Jeez 1D, it's not all about you.
Let's talk Liam Hemsworth. I know right? SO HOT. That's what I said! He's not even real--Anyway, he presented an iconic surfboard award to Pitch Perfect's Rebel Wilson, who sported a hot pink wet suit that said "Rebel" in script across her chest. Damn Rebel, have you ever not been a boss?! Leave it to Rebel to bring the heat in fashion. You go, girl.
The whole night was a Pretty Little Liars Vs. Glee faceoff. When asked to show their love for either Glee or PLL, the fans went CRAY for PLL. I've got one word for you, Glee: Effing DUH. Pretty Little Liars then won Choice Drama Series. How many times do I have to say it? Duh, duh, and d-d-duh.
Selena Gomez won the award for Best Breakup Song. I have to wonder--did she just win because of her very public breakup with the Biebs? I'm not going to say I voted for her for that reason, but... She didn't even mention Bieber once in her acceptance speech. Not even a nod, a wink, or a pun. If T-Swift won, we definitely wouldn't have been disappointed. Selena-- Imma letchu finish but, uh, T-Swift has the best breakups of all time! OF ALL TIME!
Next up was country duo Florida Georgia Line performing their hit song "Cruise" with rapper Nelly. Am I the only one that felt violated by their performance? The guy with the long hair is 1 centimeter of hair away from surpassing the creepiness of Creed. The performance rocked though, and Nelly's rhymes brought the thunder!
Glee won the award for Choice Comedy and the entire cast, (minus Lea Michele), gleefully hopped on stage to accept the award. Kevin McHale, Amber Riley, and Jenna Ushkowitz all took turns extending a heartfelt remembrance to Cory Monteith and a big thank you to all the fans for their support. Right after, Lea Michele won for Choice TV Actress Comedy. Back to her usual bubbly and smiley self, she skipped on stage to accept the award. This was Lea's first televised appearance since Cory Monteith's tragic passing, and she shared a beautiful, wholehearted, tear-jerking tribute to her former boyfriend and co-star. I cried. A little. Three times.
Okay...I'm just going to come out and say it: ABIGAIL BRESLIN'S BOOBS! Put those things away, Little Miss Sunshine! I was completely unaware that time did not stop and forbid Abigail from leaving childhood. This was the first I've seen of Abigail in a long time, and she's a real person now! It was shocking! I felt like her aunt who hasn't seen her for years, and I just wanted to squeeze her cheeks and tell her I missed her. Gosh, they grow up so fast...
Pitch Perfect's Adam Devine kept himself busy, photobombing and videobombing every celebrity he could jump behind. During Logan Lerman's (Perks of Being A Wallflower) acceptance speech, Adam vogued for the cameras in the background. Adam also fully creeped out The Vampire Diaries' Nina Dobrev, prancing behind her as she presented an award. Someone should have photbombed Adam, photobombing someone else--Inception!
Totally channeling her inner Bruce Springstein, Demi Lovato thrilled with her performance of "Made In The USA". Those vocal runs! That outfit! Very Kelly Clarkson-esque. Throughout the whole performance, I was eyeing the sexy drummer in the black American flag muscle-T...Only to be revealed at the end that it was Nick Jonas on the drums! That boy is a hunk-a-hunk-a burnin' somethin'!
Hosts Lucy Hale and Darren Criss recruited 1D's Harry Styles to twerk, as there was an ongoing Twerking theme throughout the TCA's. Harry attempted a bit of butt-jiggling, but couldn't manage because his pants were so tight, they would not allow blood to flow into his legs. So unfortunate.
Actor Josh Gad awarded Ashton Kutcher the Ultimate Choice Award, making Ashton a 16-time Teen Choice winner. Claiming this was the "old man's award", Ashton made an awesome, inspiring speech. He announced that his real name is "Chris" and his middle name was "Ashton"; he changed it to "Ashton" when he was 19, claiming he learned a lot from "Chris". He said "Chris" taught him how to seize opportunity, be sexy, and live life. Boom! (See the best quotes from Ashton's acceptance speech below!)
Soon after, host Darren Criss did the best Ian Somerhalder impression I've ever seen, calling Ian "The Smolder Holder". I wish I had thought of it first. Ian Somerhalder (The Vampire Diaries) presented an award with Kerry Washington of Scandal. Kerry, we love you, but get the hell out of my way: I'm trying to stare at Ian.
Speaking of The Vampire Diaries, Nina Dobrev presented an award, and sweet lord did she look stunning in her fashion-forward jumper. What was that outfit and where can I buy it?! There needs to be a Shazam-type app for outfits. Am I right? Should I pitch it? Don't steal it.
Paramore slayed with a performance of "Still Into You", which I am mildly obsessed with. I'm so happy they're back! We missed you guys! As usual, Hayley Williams' vocals were on point and she rocked out with her socks out. I can't say I agree with her hair, but apparently strange-colored Mom Hair is in nowadays (SEE: Miley Cyrus).
When Nina Dobrev and Simon Helberg of The Big Bang Theory presented Paramore with an award, my favorite interaction of the show commenced:
Hayley to Simon: "I love your show!"
Simon to Hayley: "Thank you, I love your hair!"
Nina: Awkward silence.
It's ok Nina, WE STILL LOVE YOUR SHOW!
Everyone's favorite good-girl-gone-fierce, Miley Cyrus, won Choice Summer Song with "We Can't Stop". She worked that stage, bringing the energy with an entertaining acceptance dance as little sister Noah tagged along. Miley grabbed the surf board award and yelled, "gimme my board!" She left the stage with a simple, "can't stop won't stop," only to return for another award: a well deserved Trendsetter Award. I loved her little shoutout to her fans, the "Smilers", (Miley & Mandy callback, anyone?!?)
Ok, favorite moment of the show: Bruno Mars couldn't be at the TCA's, as he is on tour, so instead he made an acceptance video. Since he won Choice R&B Artist, he used a hilarious, super deep R&B voice to accept the award. In a deep, sexy, comical tone, he groaned, "you got love for Bruno Mars? Yeah you do. Yeahhhh you do." Awwwww yeah.
To close the show, Lucy Hale and Darren Criss led the crowd in setting the world record for Most People Twerking in a Room At Once. As the World Record officials watched on stage, the Miley Twerking in a Dinosaur-Onesie played on the big screens, while Lucy & Darren (dressed in onesies), and thousands of teens twerked their little booties off. What I learned from this record-breaking moment was this: the best part about twerking is that no one really knows what it is or how to do it. Darren did a handstand while Lucy held his legs and he put that booty to work...I mean to TWERK.
Best Ashton Quotes
"Opportunities look a lot like work."
"The sexiest thing in the entire world is being smart, and being thoughtful, and being generous. Everything else is crap, I promise you."
"Everything around us that we call life, was built by people who are no smarter than you. Build a life, don't live one."
Full List of Winners
Ultimate Choice winner: Ashton Kutcher
Choice Summer Tour: One Direction's Take Me Home
Choice Single By a Group: One Direction's Live While We're Young
Choice Love Song: One Direction's Little Things
Choice Movie Actress in a Comedy: Rebel Wilson
Choice Movie Actor in a Comedy: Skyler Astin
Choice Movie Comedy: Pitch Perfect
Choice Movie Villian: Pitch Perfect's Adam Devine
Choice Breakup Song: Selena Gomez Come & Get It
Choice Female Hottie: Selena Gomez
Choice TV Show, Drama: Pretty Little Liars
Choice Summer TV Show: Pretty Little Liars
Choice Summer TV Star, Female: Lucy Hale, Pretty Little Liars
Choice TV Villain: Janel Parrish, Pretty Little Liars
Choice Female Athlete: Gabby Douglas
Acuvue Inspire Award: Nick Jonas
Choice TV Show, Comedy: Glee
Choice TV Breakout Star: Blake Jenner
Choice TV Male Screen Stealer: Chord Overstreet, Glee
Choice TV Actress Comedy: Lea Michele, Glee
Choice Movie Actor, Drama: Logan Lerman
Choice Movie, Drama: Perks of Being a Wallflower
Choice Single, Female Artist: Heart Attack, Demi Lovato
Choice Female Artist: Demi Lovato
Choice TV Actor in a Comedy: Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Choice TV Actor, Fantasy/Sci-Fi: Ian Somerhalder, The Vampire Diaries
Choice TV Actress, Fantasy/Sci-Fi: Nina Dobrev, The Vampire Diaries
Choice Rock Group: Paramore
Candie's Style Choice: Miley Cyrus
Choice Summer Song: We Can't Stop, Miley Cyrus
Choice TV Female Scene Stealer: Miley Cyrus, Two and a Half Men
Choice Breakout Group: Emblem3
Choice Summer Music Star: Bruno Mars
Choice R&B Artist: Bruno Mars
Choice Breakout Artist: Ed Sheeran
Choice TV Personality Female: Demi Lovato
Choice TV Actor, Action: LL Cool J
Choice Summer Movie Star, Female: Sandra Bullock
Choice Movie Chemistry: Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy for The Heat
(Images courtesy of FOX)