'Reign' Recap: Funny and Die
'Reign' Recap: Funny and Die
Emily E. Steck
Emily E. Steck
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
This week, we get a buddy-cop cover up, an unplanned pregnancy and a weird woods storyline two months after the wedding. Just another week in Reign. 

I may have figured out the crazy mystery known as Reign. It's not the mystery of Clarissa or where Olivia, Francis' old lovah went, but rather where the show went where it went. 

Let me explain with some history. Recent history. Reign was commissioned for 13 episodes before it was picked up for a full 22 episode first season. It has since been renewed for a second season (which means more love children and throne plotting). What this translates to though, is that while the Reign episodes were being written and produced, the writers had no idea if there would ever be an episode 14. It's sort of like Reign remembered to stop hitting snooze buttons and start drinking energy drink shots submerged in coffee.

So that crazy Catherine episode? Or last week's mess? The plot would surely be paced again in a way that resembles the first nine episodes. People would freak out if Reign would never exist again. No one would want that.

Enter this week's episode:


2 Months Later...

Francis and Mary have been on their honeymoon for the last two months. In a carriage back to the castle, Mary worries that suddenly their love has become fragile. Really, Mary? You think because you were engaged to his brother the same day you married the other one your marriage is not stable? Who would have thought?

If you remember last week, Henry and Kenna have a weird power with benefits relationship; you should know that Henry and Kenna's arrangement is still around (AKA sex in exchange for potential husbands). Henry introduces the visiting Archduke of Ferdinand. Kenna is smitten because he has a title and also because she has a personality, finally. I'm not sure I like Kenna, but at least she's having some fun now. 

Queen Catherine greets Francis and Mary -- with kisses -- before she takes Francis aside. Bash is still alive, having escaped his escort to the ships as Francis ordered. So Francis did not order to have Bash assassinated. Speaking of these characters ...

Bashing Circumstances

I tried, okay? I tried. Bash is in the woods trying to survive in the cold Canadian woods (I know it is France, but let's be real). He is nearly captured in a lady huntress Rowan's trap, but for some reason (his eyes) she takes him back to camp to meet her hottie, Kerrick. I say if this show really wants to be bold, Bash forgets the sister and goes for the brother. 

Remember how Olivia has been missing forever? WELL SHE SHOWS UP at the campsite with some bloody marks on her before she starts slitting her wrists. At one point, Kerrick suggests she has been fed upon -- perhaps by zombies because this show is trying to be Game of Thrones -- but Bash saves her. 

Really, Bash takes her to Nostradamus' for help. They discuss whether or not this is a supernatural show more or less, as Olivia rests. Except, she does not rest for long because a clergyman wanders into Nostradamus' chambers to find her. In a hypnotic state, she stabs the clergyman with a cross like a possessed woman. 

Elsewhere, Bash uses this time to see his sister-in-law, ex-fiancee and overall current crush to inform her that Francis has been trying to kill him. Mary almost eye rolls at this, but she can't be too sure. So she and Francis have a little pow wow about trust and honesty. Francis swears he is innocent, but he may not be so in the future. This is one of the few times when I like and believe Francis. Francis is a difficult character because he's been written 1000 different ways, but bless Toby Regbo for trying to keep some consistency in that Francis loves Mary.


And We'll Never Be Royals, Because We Don't Like Blood

Kenna wears a dress which I saw in Forever 21 last week as she goes on her date with the Archduke, the pious man visiting with his sister. As their date progresses, we cut back and forth to the Archduke's sister banging King Henry in the window sill, where she plummets to her death. I kid you not. 

Henry barges in to tell Catherine he literally banged a girl to death and he needs her help. Since he can't trust his advisors because they would advise him to go to war with the Archduke's family, he asks Catherine for help because he can trust her to cover the whole thing up. It's silly circumstances, but Catherine agrees in order to get some French thing Henry gave to his lover Diane. The fact that he tried to murder her is all in the past.

Henry and Catherine are at the site of the body, and together, they try and get the stain out but are too privileged to know how. They don't know how to do laundry as they dispose of the body. 
After taking care of the body and moving it, Catherine writes a suicide note for the Archduke's sister. Catherine and Henry debate how to write it, each bringing in their own style before settling on something ordinary. I didn't know I wanted Henry and Catherine to team up and cover up murders, but I know that this needs to be a consistent thing in my life. Henry and Catherine work better together than against one another. 

Elsewhere, Kenna continues her date with the Archduke, pretending to be chaste but kissing like the French. Kenna's suddenly a fun character because as she's getting the Archduke's attention, his sister's body plummets from a window, and he runs off to her, leaving an annoyed Kenna alone. Like, Kenna cares more about getting a husband than her potential husband's sister dying. 

The whole problem with Henry and Catherine's cover up is that, OOPS, Cecilia does not know how to write. So on the spot, Catherine convinces the Archduke that his sister was complicit in a non virtueless affair, the Duchess' lover was responsible for it and Catherine killed him to save the Archduke form embarrassment. Then, they use the dead priest as the alleged dead lover. "I'm not a judgmental person, Henry," Catherine says. "She's really not," Henry says, backing her up. 

Catherine and Henry manipulate the Archduke so perfectly. This is why I couldn't survive at court. It even made Henry fall for Catherine more, to which she answers with a classic Catherine: "Don't ruin it." That's our girl. 


Birth Control in the 16th Century

Earlier in the episode, Queen Catherine invites Mary in to talk babies. Not how to murder them properly, but how to produce heirs. Catherine is the type of mother-in-law who is obsessed with the grandchildren she doesn't have yet, doting on them while side eyeing the mother. 

Speaking of babies, guess who is preggers? Lola of course! Kenna barges into Lola's place to accuse her of being pregnant, to which Lola confirms, horrified. Kenna's rather excited for Lola's position to be in French court. However, Lola wants to consider an abortion. 

I did not think the show would touch on 16th century abortion policies considering shows set in the 21st century don't touch the touchy issue. Not even the decision to have an abortion, sometimes. 

Lola goes off to get her really, really dangerous abortion, when Mary arrives and stops it from happening, and quickly deduces that Lola and Francis slept together. "Is that my husband's child?" Mary likes throwing around the phrase "my husband" for someone who is in love with him and his brother Bash. Of course she is upset, but Mary's awful in this episode in how she's treating everyone. Yes, the world quite does revolve around you because you are royal, but everyone's feelings do not. She's becoming, gasp, Elena Gilbert in her ownership of feelings towards her boyfriends and now husband.

In the end though, Mary agrees to protect Lola in exchange for keeping the baby and baby daddy a secret from Francis (as Lola does not want to become a mistress at court). And Mary begins her marriage with lies and deception as Francis has just come clean. Interesting.

The show could have handled this in a more interesting way. I think Lola would have had the abortion, but died from complications from it. It would have been drawn out more, Mary would be pissed at her and Francis for the baby, and also wrongfully and rightfully blame Francis' role in Lola's demise. I wonder if the show will ever consider using that storyline (If you do, call me. I would love to write for Reign). 

Thoughts 

I didn't know Reign could be this funny. I laugh at Catherine's lines a lot, but the whole plot with Henry tonight was priceless. In fact, I've been watching Reign the wrong way this entire time. The crazy plotting is because it is bursting with an energy it's only just figuring out. This show is
trying to be Les Liasons dangereuses or The Dangerous Liasions or Cruel Intentions. I have solved the mystery that is Reign, everybody. I can now enjoy the crazy (until my least favorite character Clarissa comes back, anyway).  

Other miscellaneous thoughts:

- Kenna has some energy now. They must have been reworking her a lot recently. She's a whiney treat.
- Bash has already hooked up with the huntress Rowan, who was very fond of him already.
- Henry is the worst because he has sex with the next girl in the same spot he killed the other girl.
- Olivia and Nostradamus are going to get together. I don't know with this show.
- Clarissa has not been sighted this episode. THANK THE HEAVENS. She should be used sporadically.
- I dug the last song. 
- Didn't the King and Queen have different sleeping chambers?
- OH AND WHERE IS GREER? In my mind, she's off sleeping with Kitchen Boy and thinking about giving up court life to be with him. Kitchen Boy is slipping her flowers into her room whenever he can, but no one wants them to be together. It's forbidden and sexy.

That's all folks. What did you think of tonight's Reign? Love it, hate it, somewhere in between? Did you like Mary this episode? Because I didn't. Is Kenna a more interesting character now? Do you have opinions about this show or life? Sound off in the comment section!

Catch an all new Reign next Thursday at 8pm on CW

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(Image courtesy of CW)


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