Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious

The word "Girlicious" somehow brings to mind people who are both girls and, in some small way, delicious.  While that combination certainly isn't hard to come by in modern society, it may be tough to find a delicious girl who can sing, dance, and is willing to tour the country in a girl group while warbling craftily manufactured pop songs.  Such is the challenge for the judges of Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious, who will somehow have to narrow a field of 15 hopefuls down to three somewhat talented ladies who won't murder each other in backstage diva fights.  Though we know little about the contestants, it's never too early to judge them and decide who is the most Girlicious of them all.  It's time to predict which girls will end up in the final three, and which should give it up and bow out to pursue other lines of work.

Most Likely to Have a Future as a Porn Star:







Jenna.  Not only does she already share a first name with plastic looking porn queen Jenna Jameson, but this sultry 18-year-old has her "porno face" down pat.  She's also a big Christina Aguilera fan, and she wasn't known as the "Dirrty" girl for nothing.


Most Likely to Star in a Daytime Soap:







Ilisa bares a strange resemblance to actress Jamie Luner, who was quite the soap queen when she starred on Melrose Place and Savannah in the '90s.  Besides, Ilisa's favorite group is the Backstreet Boys, which means she doesn't stand a chance in the skanked out world of Girlicious.  Go audition for All My Children Ilisa, you'll fit right in.


Most Likely to Be the Sweetheart in Girlicious:







Alexis has that girl next door look down perfectly, and even the trashiest of musical acts needs a nice girl to balance things out.  I think Alexis will make the group and become the Baby Spice of the Girlicious juggernaut.


Most Likely To Be a Super Mega Beeyotch:







Carrie claims that she wears hideous black eyeliner because she loves '80s glam rock, but I believe the darkness around her eyes is a hint of the blackness within her soul.  Someone with eyeliner like that coupled with earrings that a seal could jump through is bound to cause trouble.


Most Likely to Blend Into the Wallpaper:







Nichole, Megan, and Kristin are nice, average blond girls who enjoy artists like Jack Johnson and Gavin DeGraw.  I'm sorry, are you falling asleep yet?  Next time I'm having trouble with insomnia I'll simply look at photos of these three ladies until I pass into dreamland.


Most Likely to be the Breakout Star:







Keisha has an aura of sexiness mixed with innocence that makes her look like Tyra Banks before she went insane.  She likens herself to Beyoncé and Aaliyah, and assuming she's not totally delusional I believe she has what it takes to be the star of this group.


Most In Need of a DeLorean:







In the one picture I've seen of Jamie, I could have sworn she came here from 1985 and stumbled into this competition while frantically looking for her time machine.  I predict that Doc Brown will find her before the end of the series and whisk her back to the year she belongs in.


Most Likely to be the Fan Favorite:







Cassandra is gorgeous, and in her photo she looks more like a contender for America's Next Top Model than a Girlicious wannabe.  I have a feeling she'll be the fan favorite, and therefore suffer the fate of getting kicked off just before the final three are chosen.


Most Likely to be Kicked Off the Show for Being a Man:







I think that Charlye will be supremely talented and beloved by the audience.  Unfortunately she's going to be disqualified when America finds out that she has a penis, which the close-minded producers will not allow. This is pure speculation of course, but after looking at Charlye I can sense a shemale scandal in the air.


Most Likely to be the Endearing Dumb One:







Many reality shows have that endearingly stupid contestant who says things like, "Is the world flat?  I've never really thought about it."  Natalie could be that girl.  She does love Jennifer Lopez after all.


The Girls who Won't be Chosen Because They're Too Nice:







Despite her hooker's shade of red lipstick, Chrystina looks like a nice girl trying too hard to be risqué.  Tiffanie also looks too all-American, and we can't have another nice girl when Alexis is already destined to fill that role.


Most Likely to be the Bitchy Diva of Girlicious:







I've already mentioned that I think Alexis will be the "Baby Spice" of the group while Keisha will be the Beyoncé, so who will be the temperamental troublemaker who throws phones at her poor assistants? Charlotte!  Charlotte looks like an innocent schoolgirl on the outside, but behind her eyes are a thousand diva-like temper tantrums waiting to happen.  She may play nice on the series long enough to win the grand prize, but once the Girlicious 2008 Concert Tour kicks off she'll be bowing out of shows due to "exhaustion" and probably replaced within a year.  That should be fun to watch.




- Don Williams, BuddyTV Staff Columnist
(Images courtesy of the CW)