If I were to do a best week contest instead of my usual worst week one, the winner would be me. Because not only did I get to watch this episode of Orphan Black, "Things Which Have Never Yet Been Done", but I got paid to watch it. I may have peaked in life.
When we last left Cosima, things were not going well. We learn this week that her disease has spread all throughout her body and that the stem cells she'd been receiving from Kira's teeth aren't going to cut it anymore. She still needs Duncan's cure, but if she wants even a chance of surviving to its invention, she will need a bone marrow transplant from Kira. Delphine explains this to Sarah and company, but they are distrustful of her because she now has Leekie's old job at Dyad. Rachel promoted her because Delphine's loyalty lies with Cosima only, and they both desperately want to find a cure for the clone disease.
Sarah's in a tricky spot. On the one hand, she has to submit her kid to a painful surgical procedure and possibly give valuable genetic information about her to Dyad. On the other, she will have to let her sister die when she has the power to prevent it. I've really enjoyed seeing the relationship between the clones deepen into something that is unquestionably familial, even though they haven't gotten a lot of time together this season. Sarah, Cosima, and Alison finally get another group video chat, in which everyone loves each other and frets over Cosima and Alison laments being stuck in her own storyline all season. Her lack of clone time was tragic, but it did yield the future Tony-award winning musical Blood Ties, so I'd say it was worth it.
Mrs. S has a friend who works in a pediactric hospital (of course she does) and can get the bone marrow without Dyad's interference. Since there is a safe route, the decision really belongs to Kira. She's scared, but when she learns that Cosima will probably die without her help, she's willing to do it. The bone marrow removal itself is pretty traumatic. Sarah feels incredible guilt over putting her daughter through this, Mrs. S clearly thinks they shouldn't be doing it at all, and nobody really trusts Delphine. Delphine does try to be comforting, and Sarah gives her the benefit of the doubt because she knows Cosima has no other chance.
The Old Charade
Speaking of Cosima, she's now on oxygen 24/7 and generally has the air of someone who is terminally ill. But even this can't keep her away from science. Scott and Duncan hook up an '80s era computer so they can process the original genome. They isolate the infertility sequence and then have to decode it, using a key that only Duncan knows. He's safeguarded the genome by having different parts of it encoded using different keys, thus making it impossible for Dyad to get more information than he wants them to get. The fact that he alone knows how to unlock the genome makes me immediately worry for his life, but he will survive at least another week.
Rachel's mental health, on the other hand, may not have such a good prognosis. The girl is losing it, and not in the adorably psychotic way that Helena has somehow achieved. She has a creepy home movie room that she goes into to watch videos of her parents' affection, and then peruses through some stalker-slideshows of Sarah and Kira. The "you were purposefully made barren" bombshell has clearly hit her hard, and it seems she's becoming quite obsessed with families. Again, she doesn't make it cute like Helena does.
When Delphine returns to Dyad with Kira's bone marrow, Rachel gives her Leekie's office. Delphine notices that a confidential file is still up on the computer, and it pertains to one of the people working with Sarah and Mrs. S. She immediately goes to Sarah, calling her away from her vigil at Kira's bedside to tell her that Rachel has compromised their position. Sarah returns to the hospital, passing the presumed-traitor with uncharacteristic calm, and starts taking Kira away from danger. But wait! It's not Sarah at all! Rachel, clearly jealous of how much fun everyone else was having impersonating each other, decided it was high time she joined in as well. She knocks Felix out with a syringe to the neck and kidnaps Kira before Sarah can finally return in her temperamental glory.
What destructive thing Sarah does in response to this, we will have to wait and see. Delphine has already realized that she's been played, and tearfully confesses so to Cosima. And Rachel? She and her mental instability take Kira to what seems to be her childhood bedroom, apparently for good. "You may even learn to like it", she says. "I did."
As usual, Alison has a storyline that's almost completely separate from everyone else. But oh, it's a good one. She and Donnie continue to bond over the lives they've taken, this time bickering about how best to clean crime scenes and hide Leekie's body. Alison is disturbingly good at both, having learned a thing or two about getting away with murder from Dexter
. If she'd just watched Breaking Bad
she'd have known that there are easier ways to do this, but I digress.
While in the middle of their cleanup, Vic resumes his work for Angie. People really need to stop relying on him for things, because he's the worst. His lines about healing through talking are unbelievable, and he's so un-stealthy in his surveillance that Donnie catches him.
And this is the part where hell freezes over. Because, against all odds, in total contrast to everything he has been and done thus far in the series, Donnie is awesome. He fakes Vic out by threatening him with a gun that has the safety on, because he's learned what that is the last few days. After getting Vic to confess, he tracks him to Angie's surveillance van, tells her to get the hell out of his life, and takes a picture of her blatantly violating her police orders as blackmail. From the ashes of his mediocrity, he has risen as a badass phoenix.
This does not go unnoticed by Alison. When they're done burying Leekie's body in their garage, Donnie marks the spot in cement with a heart and Alison becomes overpowered by lust. Murder is apparently a big turn-on for them, because not only has their marriage been saved by several counts of manslaughter, but they immediately have sex against the freezer where mere hours before they had stored Leekie's body. If these crazy kids don't make it, then no one can.
The Farm, the Farm, the Farm is on Fire
Last but certainly not least, Helena is back! She opens the episode getting artificially inseminated and ends it with mass homicide, so it's a pretty typical week for her. Now that she has possibly been impregnated, Helena gets a tour of what child-rearing is like in the Prolethian cult. She bonds with a little girl in their pre-school, which has way more kids than a group of this size should reasonably have. She also notices that the Prolethians go for the abuse-as-discipline way of raising children that the nuns of her upbringing were so fond of, and quickly makes it known that there will be none of that in her presence.
Gracie, still traumatized from having her mouth sewn shut, no longer voices her concerns about Helena. She doesn't even seem to particularly dislike her anymore. Now she's contending with the fact that she and Mark have feelings for each other. I'd like to once again point out that this is nasty as hell, since Gracie is maybe fifteen and Mark is at least ten years older than her. Her father has no issue with this; not only does he give Mark his blessing, he actively pimps his daughter's womb.
I thought that was going to be the most disturbing detail of this storyline. I actively prayed that it would be. But no. No, it was not. That was a rainbow in the stormy sky of Henrik's grossness. When he told Mark that it was time for Gracie to start having babies, he meant his own babies. He personally implants Helena's eggs, fertilized by his sperm, into his own daughter's uterus. I have no comments to add to that. It's just sick and wrong.
Helena-who, let me remind you, is a serial killer-is just as horrified by this revelation as I am. She decides to take her embryo-filled uterus and flee. Gracie decides to go with her, because by this point she has realized that her father is the demon and not Helena. But of course Henrik is waiting at the door with a shotgun, and responds to Gracie's declaration that she hates him by knocking out Helena and locking Gracie up again. Mark comes in, and Henrik assumes that he'll be on his side. But Mark has recently become acquainted with the fact that Gracie and the other woman of the cult might not want to be forcefully inseminated. Armed with the power of his pedophilia, he stands up to Henrik, frees Gracie, and flees with her when Helena takes Henrik down.
When Henrik wakes up from the smack down Helena laid upon him, he finds himself in the same stirrups he put both Helena and Gracie in when he inseminated them. There is only one way that this can end. In one of the most gloriously depraved acts of revenge I have ever seen, Helena inseminates Henrik's ass with some kind of animal sperm, steals back her own embryos, and sets the entire farm on fire. I want to write sonnets about how much I love her.
Who Had the Worst Week?
Except for Sarah, everyone actually had a pretty good week. Alison got some action, Cosima got some hope, and Helena got some vengeance. So I'm just going to end this recap with Helena's crazy flawlessness, because there is nothing I can say that will top it. See you next week, everyone!