'Tis the season to watch people win expensive things! I just watched Oprah's Favorite Things
(part 1! We'll get to that) and it was delightful. We all love a good, hour-long commercial for stuff we could never afford! Here were the best parts:
1. Oprah psyches the audience out by talking about meditation, then is like "just kidding, nobody cares about that!" (not a direct quote) and TEARS AWAY HER DRESS
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2. It's snowing in Oprah's studio. Back from a commercial break, Oprah half-jokes about audience members needing medics, who are standing by. Good one, Oprah! But seriously, good idea, Oprah.
3. The FedEx Elves come out to deliver the gifts and fear for their lives, guarding their limbs from being ripped out in case they are mistaken for a Tory Burch tote.
4. Oprah announces the infamous caaaaashmeeeeeere sweatahhhhhhh and a big black man in the audience begins to cry. Once he receives his very own matching Ralph Lauren cashmere throw, he pumps his fist in excitement as though to say, "I never in my life thought I would actually own one of these!"
5. Oprah mentions she wanted to give away something with "a little sparkle" and a woman's scream in the audience sounds like a prehistoric bird.
6. The audience gets a breather as Oprah announces her hairstylist's line of hair care products, but then they freak out again as a tiny train with $55 candles in 18 different scents (and this guy!)
pulls through the studio. Women hug each other with joy.
7. The audience receives a paaaniniiiii preeeeessssssssss with a recipe for Oprah's "love sandwich" (euuuuughhh). They save their cheers for something they actually want.
8. Oprah gives away a Baker's Edge brownie pan and her favorite frozen Mac & Cheese dinner. A few audience members walk out (no they didn't, are you kidding me?). A weight loss book continues the downward spiral.
9. The audience receives a 5-year Netflix Membership (Oprah, we have some of the same favorite things!), accompanied by a 3D Television and a Blu-Ray player. Strangers kiss each other on the mouth.
10. Everyone's nose is red with desire as Oprah announces their custom closets from Container Store. To go with these closets, audience members will receive Oprah Store loungewear--just what these ladies need. Oprah gives them four pairs of Nikes and a woman in the audience screeches, "NO!"
11. Oprah "forgot" about a giant box wheeled out by eight crew members. Silly Oprah! The box opens up to reveal a GIANT INFLATABLE CRUISE SHIP, causing multiple women to convert to Christianity. The news that they'll be going on a seven-day cruise causes a gay man in the front row to pull his hair out and unravel his cardigan sweater.
12. For her final gift, Oprah brings out the Black Eyed Peas, who most of these women have just barely heard of, and the audience will be receiving their CD. The audience attempts to dance in their soiled pants.
Also, Oprah is doing ANOTHER episode of Favorite Things on Monday! Get some adult diapers this weekend to hold your vicarious excitement!
(images courtesy of ABC, Faces of the Last Season of Oprah, and Dlisted)