It seems like we've been waiting ages for One Tree Hill to return, but now the big night is finally here.  When we last left the Tree Hill gang, Dan was run down by a car outside the hospital, throwing my world into a tizzy.  While I stressed over Dan's fate all summer long, most fans were debating whether Lucas invited Peyton, Brooke or Lindsey to marry him in Vegas.  As for Nathan and Haley, they were busy repairing their relationship and pondering their future career goals.

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In tonight's season premiere of One Tree Hill, Dan gets thrust into the best storyline of all time, Deb and Skills continue to get naked together, and Jamie busts out some awesome dance moves.

The episode begins by pretending that Lucas (Chad Michael Murray) and Brooke have been married for a year, but I'm not buying what Mark Schwahn is trying to sell me.  For one thing, they call each other "husband" and "wife," which is just creepy and weird.  In this alternate dimension, the two of them have moved from Tree Hill and are celebrating their one year wedding anniversary.  In dimension/dream sequence number two, Lucas is celebrating his anniversary with Peyton, and in number three he's with Lindsey.  No matter which girl Lucas picks, his future is bound to consist of cheesy dialogue and sappy romantic declarations.  Poor guy.

As Lucas's dream comes to an end, he finally decides on a woman.  Now we're back to reality, with Dan (Paul Johannson) getting run over by a car and Lucas calling up his lady love.  Lucas is worried that his dream girl won't show up at the airport, but a wise old black man tells him that all his dreams will come true.  A moment later, the person Lucas called arrives, and it's. . .Peyton!  It's time to rejoice, Leyton lovers, and it's time for the Brucas fans to once again cry into their pillows.

Brooke (Sophia Bush) gets into a huge fight with her mom on the phone, only to find that Victoria is standing right outside her door.  Brooke refers to her mom as a "Botoxed vampiress," which totally cracks me up.  Victoria wants to hijack the company, but Brooke isn't having any of that.  She kicks her mom out before a homicide occurs.  Meanwhile, Deb (Barbara Alyn Woods) and Skills are busy making out in a parked car.  I still can't decide if their fling is awesome or creepy.

Mouth (Lee Norris) arrives home to tell Millicent that he's quit his job and wants her to move to Omaha with him.  That's fascinating and all, but let's get back to Dan, who wakes up in the hospital and discovers that Nanny Carrie ran him over!

I wish we could stay with that awesome plot line, but instead we have to check in on Lucas and Peyton (Hilarie Burton), who have booked a hotel room in Vegas.  There's even a mirror on the ceiling, which is wonderfully tacky.  As they share more romantic platitudes, Brooke barges into Clothes Over Bro's and starts ranting to Millicent about Victoria's desire to take over the company.  She's soon interrupted by a shoplifting teenager, who runs off and calls Brooke a bitch the instant she's confronted.

Nathan (James Lafferty) reveals to Skills that Deb has been hooking up with some "Internet tool."  He also says things are going to get ugly when he figures out who the guy is.  We're then treated to a full minute of little Jamie dancing with the basketball team, which is insanely adorable and a smidge High School Musical.  I want Jamie to have his own spin-off show.

After Millicent calls Victoria a bitch for trying to take over Clothes Over Bro's, we finally get back to Dan's awesome Nip/Tuck-style plot line.  Nanny Carrie is dressed as a nurse and seems to be holding him hostage, even though it looks like they're in a hospital room.  I'm not really sure what's going on, but it's awesome so I'm not complaining.  Carrie tells him that she's been watching him ever since their confrontation in the hotel room, and then threatens Dan with a warm fork.  As much as I'd like her to poke his eye out so he can have an awesome eye patch, she instead mildly burns his hand.

As the greatest storyline ever rolls onward, Nanny Carrie reveals that she has nursing skills from taking care of her sick father.  She dopes Dan up with a ton of painkillers, and since she's determined to be the new Annie Wilkes she'll probably break his ankles with a sledgehammer before the episode is over.

Nathan catches Deb swimming topless in the pool, but what he doesn't see is Skills (Antwon Tanner) holding his breath under the water.  Scandalous!  As Haley (Bethany Joy Galeotti) points out to him later, what's with him constantly finding nannies naked in the pool?  Meanwhile, Lucas and Peyton text Haley and Brooke so their friends don't think they're dead, then share a giggle over psycho stalker Derek.  Ah, aren't psychotic stalkers hilarious?  I know Dan is having a gay old time with his.

This episode is really trying to make my all-time top 10 list, because the next scene features more of Jamie's awesome dance moves.  Love him.  As entertaining as he is, he's not needed to make Lucas and Peyton's nuptials hilarious.  They enter the tacky Vegas chapel and find bikers, white trash, and Elvis playing a keyboard.  Peyton says she has a better place in mind.

Mouth still plans to move to Omaha, but Millicent is going to stay behind to help Brooke fend off Victoria.  Mouth visits Brooke to tell her the news, and they share a teary goodbye.  Is Mouth really going to move out of state?  I hope not.

Ooh, let's get back to Misery 2: When Skanky Nannies Attack.  Dan crawls out of bed and discovers that he's not in a hospital at all, but in a house out in the middle of nowhere!  Have I mentioned how awesome this totally derivative plot line is?  I LOVE IT SO MUCH.  Sorry, but I had to get that off my chest.

Who knew Millicent's last name was Huxtable?  She totally doesn't look like a Cosby kid.  Brooke loves Milly so much that she fires her so she can go be with Mouth.  Aww, there are teary goodbyes all over the place tonight.  Mouth spends his evening saying goodbye to Skills, which is making me believe that he's actually leaving the show.  That better not be happening, Mark Schwahn!

As the episode wraps up, there's yet another Jamie dance scene!  This time he boogies down with Haley, and it's still the most adorable thing in the world.  Less adorable is Nathan's back pain, which may stop him from living out his basketball dreams.  Back in Misery 3: Where's a Nanny Cam When You Need One?, Carrie explains how she abducted Dan from the hospital while no one was paying attention.  Her big plan is to snatch Jamie back with Grandpa Dan's help, but it'd probably be easier if he weren't horribly injured and doped up on painkillers.

The season 6 premiere of One Tree Hill comes to an end with Peyton and Lucas exchanging rings, Mouth leaving town, and Brooke being brutally attacked by a robber!  This episode made my life.


- Don Williams, BuddyTV Staff Writer
(Image courtesy of the CW)