'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' Recap: Don't Label Me
'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' Recap: Don't Label Me
All of a sudden, Teresa loves bellinis. So, she is formulating a drink called the Fabellini, that she will brand and sell. She promises that, true to her taste, it will not taste "diet-y." She's building a brand, and Juicy is along for the ride. Oh, side note, he lost his wallet in "a friend's car."

Corte Ellis, Melissa's music producer, stops by the Gorga household for some "Gorga-nzola." Everyone is branding the food they eat. Melissa asks Corte if they should go to a label now or start off independently. They decide to start independent, but Corte has a good friend who works at "a major label."

Caroline and Lauren stop for some coffee, but notice that Chateau, where Lauren started her business, is up for rent. I think it is next to Posh? And all the Housewives used to have their fights done there. Lauren feels good about it as the home for "Caface" or whatever awful name they're calling that business.

At the winery, Teresa meets some wine guy to talk Fabellinis. "I'm the expert," Teresa tells them, "I've been researching ingredientses."

"It's ingredients," this no-nonsense bitch at the winery tells Teresa with a patient look on her face. The first of the ingredientses in the bellini is champagne. Teresa wants the right color, and does not even taste the champagne. Joe says the color is "a tad bit dark," and, "don't you think it needs a little more peach?" Juicy is ruining everything. He starts making people uncomfortable and hinting/joking at his affairs. I actually feel bad for Teresa.

Melissa is also working on her label, so she's getting lots of makeup applied to lie on top of a rose petal-covered table in a sparkly pink dress. TOTALLY NORMAL STUFF. Joe wants her to put on "that porn star attitude" because he loves that men can't have her and he can.

Teresa is having a book signing at a bakery, and people are lined up around the block. "My book signings have turned into classy affairs," Teresa tells us, "that says a lot about what I've accomplished as an author." Juicy showed up, too, drink in hand, ready to resent his wife.

"I'll hand ya the cupcakes," Joe says, with his sunglasses on indoors. Nobody lined up to meet Joe, but he asserts himself into the signing, and fan photos.

Jacqueline and Lauren drive to meet Nicole, who distributes mineral makeup I guess. Jacqueline works as a potential mentor for Lauren because she wears a lot of makeup. OH MY GOD LOOK AT NICOLE! Jersey. These people pitch their products, and Jacqueline orders "a screaming orgasm." At a business meeting. Great mentor.

"Do you know about vajazzling?" a casually drunk Jacqueline asks. What a terrible business meeting.

Kathy and Rich show up at the bakery book signing, and cut in line because they are characters on this TV show, not just Twitter followers. Kathy cautiously unwraps a cupcake. Teresa signs a book for them, and Kathy invites Teresa to her dessert tasting. But Kathy's tasting isn't as important as any signing, so Teresa just doesn't treat it like it matters.

"I have so many desserts," Teresa notes, and Kathy points out all the recipes in Teresa's book that are her mother's. Teresa thinks that was a passive aggressive shot, because the recipes are HER mother's. "Good for her," Kathy attempts to feel.

Kathy's tasting is coming up, so Joe and Victoria made signs to draw people in to her dessert tent. Those desserts look amazing. Kathy is pissed that Teresa isn't really making any efforts to repair their relationship, but she's got desserts to make.

The gang all shows up to try the desserts, even Lauren, who may or may not be on a diet at this moment. "Melissa and Kathy are working hard to achieve their dreams, I can't imagine how anyone would see that as a negative," Caroline says, foreshadowing Teresa's arrival with a friend, who asks,

"Are you going to say anything to her about stealing your recipes?" Teresa tells this Linda character that no, she doesn't plan on it. Maybe because the recipes aren't stolen? Preposterous. More importantly: who is Linda? According to Jacqueline, she is one of Teresa's soldiers. Teresa doesn't want to compare her book signing to Kathy's romper room tasting, but her daughters make better signs than that for their lemonade stands. MMMMKAY.

A guy named Giacomo from Bindi Desserts shows up, and Rich introduces him to Kathy. It's looking good, and far less intense than Top Chef. He tells her "good job" and to call him when she gets back from California.

Teresa says hi to Jacqueline, then accuses her of not saying hi. She thanks her for inviting them to Napa, then plugs her new bellini. More importantly, check out that guy in the bike helmet tasting stuff behind Teresa's shoulder! Couldn't even be bothered to take his helmet off.

A "confused but happy" Jacqueline does laundry the next day, as Rich and Joe (non-Juicy) meet Chris for a Napa trip meeting. They agree that men are better at handling things, at letting things go. The therapist told Teresa and her brother not to share an RV, but they are going to just to prove him wrong, I guess. That's what therapy is all about.

Chris is concerned for Jacqueline, and her feelings. The Giudices are acting pretty poisonous, but they are still allowed on this trip. Probably because Bravo made them. Jacqueline is following Teresa's lead. Teresa is also doing laundry. How poetic?

Juicy Joe shows up late to the Napa meeting, acting like things are fine. Things are not fine, Joe! Chris makes an appeal for peace in Napa, and Juicy says the women are talking all crazy things. They all agree to have talks with their wives not to get involved in the drama. But, everyone, JOE GIUDICE is the problem. Look at those giant baking tins full of food.

None of the Housewives, it turns out, are worried about it. The men are having this meeting at the Round Table, though, complete with mead and a turkey leg for each. Like men, they argue about who will drive, and end up starting more drama than the women, who are just doing laundry and baking and sh*t. Again, Joe Giudice is the common denominator in all these problems. Chris just buries his head in his hands.

(images courtesy of Bravo)