Our new writer Ann did a great job recapping Top Model
last night while I was away at Booty Tooch Camp, but I do have some thoughts to share about last night's episode, which was infuriating and delightful and awful and spectacular, as only the best/worst Top Model
episodes are. The models were asked to sing and dance. One of them refused to wear a padded sex diaper. They sang lyrics that were written for them, about them, by people who had never met them. And they also sang about "tooching," which is not and will never be a real thing. Normal stuff in the land of Tyra. ALL SYSTEMS GO!
Loving and hating Top Model
is often an exercise in simply recognizing two sides of the same coin. With that in mind, here's what I loved and hated about last night's episode:
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Laura blaming Kyle, not Sophie, for the kidnapping and assault on her teddy bear. (What was his name? Anthony?) If you're gonna overreact and unleash a Gladiator scream upon an unsuspecting target, at least aim it at the right target.Loved:
That she declared anyone
"dead to her" because they touched her teddy bear.Hated: All-Stars
winner Lisa claiming that she won the music video challenge last year. Uh, no, Lisa, we were there, too. WE REMEMBER
. You won the mini part of the challenge -- the "write the least terrible lyrics in twenty minutes" part -- but Allison won the video shoot. Just like she should have won the entire cycle, but you stole that out from under her. And now you're trying to steal this one, too? FOR SHAME, LA PUCHINETTA.
Annaliese drinking a glass of red wine while Lisa explained this week's
challenge. She has discovered the secret of getting through this.
For the challenge, the producers put the teams' music on their Virgin mobile phones
-- another obnoxious product placement, but we've come to terms with that -- so they had to learn their music and lyrics from a tiny-ass phone speaker. Not that any music produced for a bunch of models to use in a fake music video challenge is going to be beautiful or complex, but still -- you think Ke$ha rehearses HER terrible pop music on a cellphone? Hell no. It's an automatic handicap! That's like saying, "Your challenge is to cook a meal. Here, practice on this garbage." Or, "Your challenge is to design a gown. Here, practice on this garbage molded into the shape of a woman."
Two people who have NEVER MET these girls before, Lisa and renowned
music producer Tom Whatshisname, wrote the songs, in which all the
lyrics were supposed to be about the girls' "personalities." And the
music was predetermined, too. So the models had no say and zero agency
in anything to do with "their" music videos, and the lyrics just ended
up being vague, cliched lists about sexy swagger and girl power.
Realizing this, and that ALL girl groups are essentially founded upon a
similar tapestry of artifice and lies (like fake butt padding) AzMarie
refused to take it seriously, and also refused to participate in the
"Tooch Teach," a half-assed (PUN INTENDED) stripper seminar about
popping your (fake) booty to bring all the boys to your yard. In her
words, "I'm a grown ass woman, I don't have time for this." And in MY
words, "GOOD ON YA, AZ!"
Hated: "But we cannot do choreography until we learn art. The art of the booty tooch."
HAHAHAHA gimme a break. Gimme a MILLION breaks!
In the battle of Terrible Girl Group Names, while "Fiercely British"
possesses the troubling lack of a noun, the "United Sirens of America"
is the CLEAR winner, for unintentionally evoking the sound you would
hear (an ambulance coming to take you to the hospital) if you ever
listened to an entire album of their music.
The entire show is now just a venue for Tyra to push her made-up lexicon upon the audience. I just want to shake her and scream, "STOP TRYING TO MAKE 'BOOTY TOOCH' HAPPEN. It's NOT going to happen!"Loved:
Out of context of each other, with their repeated declarations that
girls from the US or UK are terrible and worthless and "need not apply,"
both of the songs just sounded like hate crimes.Hated:
"She's a boaster, a coaster, and I think it's time to toast her." Someone PLEASE put Kelly Cutrone out of my
That I was completely wrong in my power rankings
this week. The girl I
put at the bottom (Alisha) got first call-out, and the girl I put at the
top (AzMarie) was eliminated. I'm not even mad about how wrong I was. That's part of the
wonder of watching Top Model.
Real world logic does not apply. Hated:
That AzMarie was eliminated just because she refused to wear a butt pad or flaunt a girly, skanky, heteronormative sexuality (a sexuality that does not match up with her own, at all) in a fake music video about how American girls are better at showing off their asses than British girls. But at least she looked cozy in that big sweater at Elimination.