Well gang, we've arrived. Tonight is the two-hour finale of Last Comic Standing, where the winner of this televised shindig will be announced. I'll admit, I'm still pretty salty over Joe Machi being eliminated last week, but hopefully that won't tarnish my enjoyment tonight.
The narrator discusses our top three comedians in a hilarious way. Rod Man, Lachlan Patterson, and Nikki Carr are introduced wearing superhero capes and masks, soaring high on laughs and pressure. But first, remember how we started with 100 contestants and had a bunch of mentors? I'm sure priceless memories from the season will serve as great filler tonight.
JB dances on stage like a robot, while stating that the word of the day is "finale!" Since this is the finale, the judges are introduced on stage. Keenen Ivory Wayans, Russell Peters, and Roseanne make their way into the audience to slap hands with audience members and give out hugs. "Tonight is a very exciting night," Keenen claims.
While Russell speaks, the camera pans into the audience to show the rejected comedians ready for the show. At least we get to see Joe Machi one last time, right? Granted, he doesn't look quite as giddy.
The three contestants will perform, and two will be invited back for an additional set. After that? It's down to one, you guys.
Lachlan Patterson will be up first, and clips of his past performances are shown. "He takes a left turn when you think he'll go right," Roseanne claims. Lachlan thinks the entire experience has transformed him, and he learned a lot about himself, thanks to the show.
He gets on stage, wearing a weird shirt with palm trees on it. "I couldn't sleep last night, you guys. Started watching TV. That's when TV gets good, late at night, when the warnings come on? ... First of all, you don't have to warn me for nudity, I'm ready for it, I promise... It should say 'Congratulations, the following show contains nudity.'"
The TV theme is continued throughout his set. "I watch cooking shows a lot, but I don't try to cook with them, since I don't own enough dishes," he says. "Never watch cooking shows at 3 AM, since they're not cooking for you. They're still cooking for daytime... If you're making wedding cake at 3 in the morning, you have a serious methamphetamine addiction."
Lachlan enjoys game shows, and does some physical comedy while discussing a foreign Wheel of Fortune. The audience loves it -- especially when he says that the prize would be getting their family back. Keenen thinks that his set proved that he totally wanted it, and compared him to an angry panther. Roseanne thinks he kicked it up ten notches, and the final result will be harder than hell. Come on, Roseanne. It's your job! I believe in you!
After Lachlan's set, the judges and past contestants mingle a bit downstairs. "Life-lasting" friendships have been made on this show, so it's pretty sweet. But let's not waste any time on sentimental stuff -- Nikki Carr is up next.
Clips are shown of Nikki's "sexy" sets, and how she'll never stop eating pork. "Nikki Carr is just like, this ball of energy. She comes out, and lays everything on the line" Keenen praises. Roseanne thinks her charisma fills up all the empty space in the room. Just like Lachlan, Nikki is thrilled with the opportunities she's been given.
Nikki is wearing a purple suit, and starts out by asking for applause for her birthday. "It's September 30th, but when you reach my age, you celebrate from the last one to the next one." At 52, more than half of her life has gone, mostly because she doesn't want to live till 100. At 100, nobody is sad when you die. Regardless, she wants to get a doctor's appointment everywhere she can this year.
"Unfortunately, the foot doctor shut that all down for me, told me a lot, right to my face! Said I had athlete's feet. But wait -- he said I had athlete's feet since I don't dry my feet when I get out of a shower. I know that's a lie! I don't dry my body either, how come that's not athletic too? There's nothing athletic about me at all." Regardless, Nikki has gone to the gym every day since she moved to LA. "Well, his name is James, but we call him Jim. He dresses us." (That joke didn't translate well through text. But trust me, the audience who heard it verbally enjoyed it greatly.)
A win by Nikki wouldn't surprise Roseanne at all, who once again comments on her presence and charisma. Russell Peters (who is being referred to as "RP" tonight by JB) liked the gym/Jim joke, and is impressed over the fact that she's 52. Keenen thinks she looks beautiful -- what a gentleman! -- and claims she's the Rocky of the competition. But obviously not Rocky LaPorte, since they got rid of him awhile ago.
How will Rod Man do? Russell thinks his past sets totally "annihilate," and the judges seem to like his style in general.
"I gotta say right off the bat, we're in California, and I love the Mexican people. Everytime people say 'Send Mexican people back to Mexico', I say that's not right... I love them since they're family oriented, they're hustlers by nature, they knock on your door and try to sell you anything at any time. 'Sir, would you like hot tamales?' and I'm like '... at the door?' She didn't even have the tamales with her, she wanted me to take her word that they're in the car. I said, this transaction is over, right here."
Rod Man discusses eating corn outside, and his first experience eating corn with "the works", which included mayonnaise. "Put that back in the water, we don't do corn like that," he exclaimed.
Keenen didn't even understand half of Rod Man's set, but enjoyed it anyway. "I thought you were saying coins," he admits, in regards to the corn joke. "You could read the phone book, and I'd be roaring," Roseanne claims. Wait a minute, Roseanne. That was a Randy Jackson critique back on American Idol!
A Moment With JB Smoove
JB takes a moment to tell everyone that he's fallen in love with the comics, and testimonials from a lot of comic rejects appear. "I took on many responsibilities," JB says in his clips while enthusiastically screaming at the contestants. "Most of all, I was there to inspire them." While I think JB did a great job this season, his Muppet-like qualities are all I'm seeing with this montage. It might have been better if he didn't, you know, introduce it himself.
Remember Alignon Mitra?
This is the part I'm super excited for. Alignon Mitra's guest set, after dominating the online competition. I always thought this guy was sharp.
Alignon starts out by saying that if you watch a movie at home by yourself, you're fine. But if you go to the theater solo, for that same movie, "suddenly it's so sad, right? Suddenly it's frowned upon to be drunk in your underpants." Alignon jokes about his imaginary girlfriend. "In middle school, our health teacher told us that 80% of all rapes are committed not by a stranger, but by someone you know. I was shocked. 80% of all rapes are all committed by someone I know?! I'm in 8th grade! I only know like,100 people!"
Uh oh. Now they're doing the top 10 jokes of the season? We just did the top 100 jokes a few weeks ago! Being that this old material that you've heard at least once before, I'll just tell you who earned the title of best joke. It looks like that'll be revealed later on.
Who'll Be The Final Two?
The final three redo their makeup before getting back on stage, and nervously stand on stage while wondering what the decision will be. The first comic moving on is Nikki Carr, and she's super excited. She'll be competing against... Lachlan Patterson. And Rod Man? Uh oh -- they're all performing again! You fooled me this time, Last Comic Standing!
The Judges Do Some Stand-Up
Russell Peters decides to do a set next, and as someone who travels the world doing stand-up, maybe he'll help to inspire the final three. "Know what's funny, when this show first came on the air, people were like 'Oh my god, Keenen Ivory Wayans! Oh my god, Roseanne Barr! Who the hell's that Latin Guy?' And I was like, first of all, I'm Indian, alright? Second of all, we're good at three things. One, computers. Two, spelling bees. Three, pretending to be Latin." Russell thinks he has ethnic tourettes, since an accent comes out only when he's nervous. "Growing up, all my friends were black -- and they still are. If you were to trace 'African American', the word, it'd go back to 1995." Russell claims that he doesn't know who's white anymore, since these days, everyone has a bit of a mix in them.
And now, a showcase of Keenen Ivory Wayans. Being a judge was his dream job, even though he started as a stand-up. "To have that person, to have that mind, look at your comedy and analyze your comedy, that's a thrill" Alignon Mitra says of the judge. "He's got a great point of view and it was just great to work with him," Roseanne sincerely states.
Speaking of Roseanne, the comedians and judges sing her praises next. Karlous Miller feels a connection to Roseanne, which is sweet. And of course, "Tell It To My Balls" girl is somehow mentioned again within Roseanne's set of memorable moments. Luckily, Roseanne will have her own, ball-less moment to shine, as she's up next for some stand-up.
"What a privilege it is for you to have me here this evening, ladies and gentleman," she starts. "A lot of people don't know this about me, but I have 5 children. I used to be pro-life, but kids are a real pain in the ass, aren't they?" Roseanne discusses her age, and how her body is changing . "Now I'm wet where I'm supposed to be dry, and dry where I'm supposed to be wet," she sadly mumbles. She's coming out with her own line of adult diapers, called Urine-Luck. She also mentions her run for President. "I did it because I think it's time for a woman to be on top of this (expletive). Hell yeah!" And speaking of men and women, "Anything a man can do, a woman can get another man to do even better!" Roseanne does a little funky dance at the end of her set, which I appreciate.
The Best Joke Of The Season
And now, ladies and gentleman -- the #1 joke! It's from our friend Joe Machi! "I got into a discussion with my neighbor about gun control. He said, I bet if you ask the founding fathers what they thought about gun control, they wouldn't like it. I bet if you asked the founding fathers what they thought about gun control, they'd say 'what's this I hear about women voting? And who is that in the White House? Is that one of Thomas Jefferson's kids?" I'm ecstatic that someone on the show fully acknowledged the fact that Joe Machi is truly hilarious and amazing.
Nikki Carr's Final Set
Now it's time for the last round. Performing first is Nikki Carr, who is all smiles. "You know, when I was a kid, everyone thought that I was going to grow up to be a singer. You've got to be sexy when you're a singer! You can be fat when you first come out." Jennifer Hudson lost so much weigh that she's no longer Jennifer Hudson -- she's "J-Hud". With comedy, you can at least close your eyes and still enjoy the show. Aww, N-Carr. You're seriously way prettier than you give yourself credit for.
Rod Man's Final Set
Rod Man hopes he wins, since there's a lot of people he needs to take care of. Dude, even if you don't win, I'm sure you'll be a lot more financially secure. "They tell me the winner of this thing wins 250 thousand dollars, which is a hell of a lot of money. I'll have problems right off the bat, which I know." For one, his Mom will obviously be aware of his winning. When Rod Man went to church with her, "I had a problem with the collection situation once." He tried to get change, and it wasn't the best situation, as obviously God didn't grant him the nine dollars he wanted from the ten he donated. "Hey man, uh. Where the hell my change at?"
Lachlan's Final Set
Lachlan is the final comedian this season, and he says that with the money, he'd get his parents out of debt. He is more excited about the TV deal, since he's got a lot of crazy ideas for shows. They all sound terrible.
"I'm from Canada, so like Russell, I too don't have an Indian accent." Way to work in a previous set, Lachlan. "I'm very thin. I work out, but nothing happens. I don't know why. I will never be on the World's Strongest Man Competition, not because I don't have a good work ethic, but because I don't have a firetruck with a rope attached to it at my gym. Is that in the ladies only section? Do they have a special gym with that stuff?" While he's not gay, he gets asked about it a lot. And when people ask, "Are you sure you're not gay?" he thinks that'd be a great way to suddenly come out of the closet.
I don't know, guys. I know a lot of people find Lachlan to be boring, but he's had my favorite sets tonight. And I'm not just saying that since I had a crush on him for about 3 or 4 episodes.
Who'll Take Home The Title?
Before the winner is announced, we get the judge's final thoughts. Keenen can personally empathize with all of the finalists, and thinks the idea of a winner doesn't truly exist. Roseanne agrees that all three deserve their spots in the final three, and thinks they all did great. "RP" likes the perspectives that the three comedians gave.
And the winner of Last Comic Standing is... Rod Man! Confetti falls, and he looks like he's near tears. JB gets confetti in his glasses as he's wrapping up the show, which was sadly the biggest laugh I've had all night. Since obviously I'm twelve.
There you have it, folks. We'll see you next season!
(Image courtesy of NBC)