If you thought that Gilbert Gottfried was a great guest, you'll be falling out of your seats tonight. The one and only Jay Leno is on deck to mentor our remaining comedians, and the competition is starting to get pretty tight.
JB Smoove starts the show by trying to bust into the judges' lounge. Russell Peters has a cup of coffee in hand, as he tries to tell JB he's not allowed in. "Judges only," Russell recites. JB then calls him racist, and says he's going in the room for some coffee anyway. Judge Milian from The People's Court comes out for some unexplained reason, and challenges entry once again. Roseanne also spouts out a few lines, and JB mentions that he just wants some hot cocoa. My gosh, this is a painful and unnecessary bit.
It turns out that Jay's mentoring was all pre-taped, as we're shown clips of Jay and the gang before the contestants get on stage for some good old fashioned stand-up. Our judges -- Keenen Ivory Wayans, Russell Peters, and Roseanne -- will be back throughout the duration of the show.
Joe Machi is up first, and says he'll use the experience to help him get in the door for a long and successful career. Joe makes a point to ask Jay about political jokes, and Jay notes that the joke should always come before one's personal political views. When Jay started, he used to work at jazz clubs. At jazz clubs, people actually listen to your set, which was an all new experience.
Joe is all smiles as he takes the stage -- and honestly, he's probably been working hard on new material, after having to deal with all of those face-offs. "Why do daredevils wear flashy jumpsuits? I'm like, hey man. You're jumping over buses on fire. You have my attention!" Joe proclaims.
Joe decides to deliver joke after joke without any kind of thread holding them together. "I love karaoke, 'cuz that allows me to, in one small way, realize my dream of booing amateur singers," he says. "People say Facebook needs a dislike button, and I agree. The Internet needs ways to criticize people!" He then discusses John Lennon's song "Imagine," and how dull it truly is if you think about it. "All he imagined was religious intolerance," he states. He once asked to a motivational speaker, "How does a person give up on their dreams of becoming a motivational speaker?"
Russell laughs at Joe's set even during the critique, proving that he's a legitimate Machi fan. Hmm. I wonder what Joe Machi fans are called. Machiholics? Machi Maniacs? Hopefully we'll have a few more weeks to figure it out.
Rod Man is up next; he hopes to pick Jay's brain, which he says is "a plethora of knowledge." He wants to know when a joke is too old. Jay's answer is, "pretty much when it stops getting a laugh." Sounds about right. "Judge your act by how happy you are," Jay says.
"The real terrorists on planes to me is babies," Rod Man says. He talks about a white baby on a plane being aggressive, and rubbing his face. "We treat cute babies different than we do babies that are going through changes. I don't want to call nobody's baby ugly, that's wrong, but some babies go through changes. My sister had a little boy, and it did not go well at all. He was born 7 months out of the 9, and I told her... maybe he needs more time, or something. He's not ready to be out every day." "I don't think he's in demand like that," he told his sister after she got a little camera-happy with her changing baby. The pictures may not be living-room ready, but sure -- a keychain or wallet picture will be fine.
Roseanne claims that she's never seen a comedian like Rod Man before, and "nobody can get away with the stuff you say!" Oh, it's true. I've kept my own personal opinions of ugly babies to myself, since I'm sure I wouldn't get the applause that Rod Man would get. And even though I was also two months premature, I won't hold your jokes against you, Rod Man. My early pictures were nothing to celebrate.
Rocky LaPorte is the next contestant, who decides to ask Jay about joke pacing -- especially when you're on live television. "They're there to see a show, and not 'How are y'all doing?'" Jay exclaims. Rocky claims that Jay is a wealth of knowledge, and seems amped to take the stage.
Wearing his finest leather jacket, Rocky starts by describing his upbringing. "We moved to Chicago since my Dad got transferred to Joliet Penitentiary," he jokes. His brother got promoted from patrol man to Don, and remains kid-less after 10 years of marriage. "I'm trying," his brother said. "Give me a shot," Rocky states. He claims that parents should never give their kids weird names, since then they'd do weird stuff. If Hitler's name was Chip, none of the bad stuff would ever happen. During his schooling, he was accused of killing Kennedy. "I was in school forever. I was the only kid in 8th grade that was over in 'Nam... The other day my kid asked me what an adverb was. I was like, that's when you take a verb and add another one."
I have a special place in my heart for Rocky, but I think he needs to bring a bit more edge to his set. Even Russell said his set was dumb, but thankfully, Russell "likes dumb things." Roseanne is a fan, and thinks Rocky got rid of his nerves during this set. Keenen thinks he started out a bit slow, but he stayed within his rhythm. I guess his question to Jay was genuine.
Our last female standing, Nikki Carr, is the next comedian to perform. She asks Jay for general advice, and he says that he always goes on stage with a clear head. If he gets into an argument with someone before he hits the stage, he doesn't want to bring that negative energy to his set.
Nikki begins by thanking the audience, and then claims that she never wanted to be a lesbian. "I wanted to be a trophy wife!"
"I tried to do the things that the other girls did. I got tight jeans, it didn't work for me like it did for them... it pushed all my fat on top. Then I walked around the club, looking all strong and stuff." "All the cute girls had cute boyfriends. I never had a cute boyfriend! They were all ugly! If they put me in a movie, the monster would be my man!"
After a brief one-woman reenactment starring Jason Voorhees, the audience cheers. "I tell my friends, you all start running -- I know him! ... When you date an ugly man, you got to make him feel confident. Fast forward to the love scene. I'm in bed, waiting for Jason. He's walking toward me, I stop him right in his track. No! Take off that mask. Are we going to make love, or play hockey?"
Roseanne loves Nikki a bunch, and thinks she has so much heart. Russell thinks that the way she dismantled Jason was funny, and enjoyed her impression --after all, two laughs out of one joke! Bonus. Keenan thinks that the audience immediately embraces her and her honesty. I don't think Nikki is going home tonight, at all.
Uh oh. Next up is my fake boyfriend, Lachlan Patterson. Did I tell you about how I looked up Last Comic Standing tour dates, just for the chance to stare at his face in person? I totally did. Unfortunately, the tour is hitting all of the major cities, and nowhere near my stupid town.
Lachlan asks Jay if he ever gets nervous, and Jay mentions that the only time that happened was during the White House Correspondents Dinner, during Reagan's reign. Lachlan describes the experience with Jay as being "pretty cool."
"I, uh. I live in Venice, California, and I'm starting to get a little suspicious of people in my neighborhood. There's a homeless guy that urinates on my apartment every morning. He's got a cat. And I went up to him the other day, and said 'Hey man, where'd you find that cat?' and he goes 'I rescued it!' 'No you didn't, actually. I'm afraid that cat needs to be rescued one more time.'"
Lachlan's mailman delivered the mail at 9 PM by using a headlamp, and Lachlan said that he wished he told him that tomorrow would be okay. When asked how the Postal Service could be improved through letter, he claimed that e-mail was probably the way to go.
"I got a wedding invitation in the mail. Those are the worst! That's not an invitation, it's a subpoena. Shouldn't that one be delivered by a sheriff?" Lachlan believes that wedding invites are sent so far in advance so that nobody will have an excuse not to attend. "They ask you what you want to eat on the invitation. How the hell do I know what I want to eat a year from now?"
He ties the set together by bashing registries, and claiming that he already bought a gift elsewhere -- he "rescued you a cat."
Keenen enjoyed his material, and Russell liked the way he built his jokes. The cat callback was big for Russell. Roseanne digs his writing, and the fact that he's totally amping up the snark. "If and when you come back, I'd like to see it even meaner." Ooh, Roseanne. You're so feisty.
So, that was that -- the final five. Who'll be eliminated tonight? Before the results, the judges want to say a few words. Keenen thinks that all of them are headed towards stardom. None of the other judges speak. Either the editing was shady, or Keenen seriously disagreed with the final vote on this one, and needed a few extra parting words.
The first comic moving on is Rod Man. Next? Joe Machi. Joe can taste that development deal, and it's simply delicious. Third up is Nikki Carr (called it!) who needs to, and has to win -- in her words. The last comic? Lachlan Patterson. He shakes Rocky's hand, while Rocky looks pretty bummed out. But hey -- you can catch him on the tour that I sadly can't attend.
Next Week: We're two performances away from the title! Who'll be the winner? And, yes. Not much information is given besides that. So, I'm guessing they ran out of gimmicks.
Catch an all new episode of Last Comic Standing next Thursday at 10pm on NBC.
(image courtesy of NBC)