'Big Brother 13' Recap: The First Eviction and a New HoH
'Big Brother 13' Recap: The First Eviction and a New HoH
John Kubicek
John Kubicek
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
The first Big Brother 13 live eviction episode is here! After a week of shows where we see things that we already knew happened, Thursday's shows offer something new as we get to see who goes home and who becomes the new HoH. We also get to see the lovely Chenbot, which is always fun.

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Before the actual episode, we get literally four minutes of "Previously on Big Brother." That's about three-and-a-half minutes too much, especially since Julie Chen then does another recap of the past week's events.

In the battle of Keith vs.Porsche, it comes down to the fact that the veterans want Porsche to stay, and all they need is for one newbie to be dumb enough to join them. To do this, the veterans proceed to be annoying as hell with drinking games, dance parties and other things that Rachel thinks people love, because her only frame of reference is as a VIP cocktail waitress.

I guess Big Brother thinks there are enough people in America who care about the Brendon-Rachel relationship because they get a lot of serious screentime, but I honestly don't care about it at all. It's not that I hate it or them, it's just that their drama and bickering is so banal. If I wanted to watch a couple alternating between fighting and being cutesy, I'd watch Khloe and Lamar or any of the other God-awful reality shows about those kinds of people.

The veterans also assume the newbies are complete morons, telling Shelly that playing with all-stars is fun and letting Adam name their super alliance, but "Adam's Angels" is so bad even the veterans can't pretend that it's awesome. Cassi appears to be the only person smart enough to realize that siding with the veterans is not an option and will lead to the newbies getting run over like roadkill.

Chen Time: In a message from Evel Dick, he sends his love to the HGs and promises to keep watching all season. Daniele starts to tear up a bit because this is real life, but it gets very awkward when Julie asks if Daniele loves her dad, and Daniele is just flustered and embarrassed that she's going to look mean on national TV.

Nominee Speeches: Keith's is short and sweet, because he knows he's probably going home. Porsche is dull and sucks up to everyone.

Dominic votes to evict...PORSCHE
Brendon votes to evict...KEITH
Jordan votes to evict...KEITH
Cassi votes to evict...PORSCHE
Lawon votes to evict...PORSCHE
Jeff votes to evict...KEITH
Daniele votes to evict...KEITH (and she loves her dad)
Adam votes to evict...PORSCHE
Kalia votes to evict...KEITH
Shelly votes to evict...KEITH

KEITH IS EVICTED 6-4.

Wow, two turncoats! Kalia and Shelly are definitely incredibly dumb and are going to float to the middle before going home. I honestly don't understand why they'd think the veterans can be trusted. The worst part is that they've also thrown the newbies into paranoia since they aren't sure who voted against them. In the goodbye messages, even the people who voted to keep him are mean.

HoH Competition

The challenge is a mini-golf course that the HGs have been practicing on in the backyard for the past two nights. Also, Rachel got to pick the order that the HGs putt, which is a huge and unfair advantage. The HGs have to land the ball in the first hole without going into the water, and whoever comes the closest wins.

Dominic gets 6
Adam gets 8
Cassi gets DQed
Shelly gets DQed
Lawon gets DQed
Kalia gets 6
Jordan gets 3
Jeff DQs himself
Brendon DQs himself

JORDAN IS THE NEW HOH.

Ugh, I'm already over Big Brother 13 if this is how it's gonna be. By letting Rachel pick the order, it's like the producers WANTED the veterans to win. And the fact that Jeff and Brendon both threw the competition just so Jordan could win is great strategically, but it's still lame. Now the veterans will make all of the decisions once again and the newbies are doomed. If the producers wanted a former HG to win so badly, why not just do a pure all-stars season?

I probably wouldn't mind so much, but I know that this means Rachel and Brendon are going to be absolutely insufferable and overly cocky for yet another week. This is going to be hard to watch this week.

Viewer Questions: Adam is asked about his favorite Beverly Hills 90210 character, and he repeatedly screams "Donna Martin graduates!" Awesome. That almost makes up for the awfulness that this week is going to bring.

(Image courtesy of CBS)