'The Bachelor' Recap: Worst. Birthday. Ever.
'The Bachelor' Recap: Worst. Birthday. Ever.
Bill King
Bill King
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
Things got a bit randy last week on The Bachelor, with Juan Pablo scrambling a mop for cleanup duty to make sure the other women didn't find out about his and Clare's 4am el sexo o no sexo romp in the ocean.

Unfortunately for him and his "language barrier," he chose the private shaming method to convince Clare they made a mistake, telling her their actions were inappropriate and that the encounter happened because she was so excited about the day and he didn't want to disappoint her.

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I don't know how many years this guy played professional soccer, but he's clearly still a rookie. I mean, I get it, she was your favorite at the time. It was late, you guys were tipsy and things had gotten hot and heavy in the pool when you abandoned the other girls on the group date. And then you let cosas go a bit too far. 

Whether they did or they didn't, somebody touched something until something exploded. Then he made out with a bunch of other girls and realized he'd ruined everything unless he put the kibosh on the private dancer routine. But instead of going the "It's our little secret" route and saying he liked her but needed to respect the process, he decided it would be better to convince her that she had somehow disrespected his daughter. Classy.

Yeah, I'm sure that will convince her to keep her mouth shut. Women talk. Especially upset, scorned women. And that means one thing: the sheep poop is about to hit the fan, unless JP does some serious damage control. And then it's gonna spray alllll over Juan Pablo's quest for love. And that's going to stink for everyone. Or they could just throw it at each other for fun.


G'Day, Mate!

Because I think they say that in New Zealand, too, and that's where JP and the final eight women are headed for the latest round of nightmare dream dates. Taupo is apparently the island where animals run free and wild and love potion literally bubbles up from underground. 

Triple threat baby momma Cassandra is really starting to miss her son, and fake pregnant Clare is starting to lose it more and more by the second. I had her pegged as a little emotionally unstable from the beginning, perhaps a bit too deep, and Juan Pablo has done everything he can to exploit that tendency. 

DAndi, the only one yet to have a one-on-one, gets the "Let's heat things up" date card, and Clare is crushed because she realllly thought it was going to be her. It would have been the perfect chance to patch things up, and now she's worried the situation has been building and building and might just erupt. She is the queen of sexual innuendo these last two weeks.

Cassandra is also slighted because if she's not with her son, she only wants to be with JP. She has a pretty heavy conversation with everyone's momma Renee, and it's way different from any conversation I ever had when I was 21. I was just glad I didn't have to use my fake New Jersey non-driver ID to get into my college bar anymore. The bouncers, however, were not as excited to to see my real license for a change. Who would have thought that 13 years later I'd be writing a blog about The Bachelor? My journalism and communications professors are so proud!

Dandy with DAndi

The excited couple kick off their adventurous date with a cuddly speedboat ride, followed by a dip in a hot spring, complete with waterfall and water shoes. DAndi really is the chick who brought the one-piece, but I gotta say she's rocking it. Low cut in the front, rising high in the back. They first have to squeeze through a bunch of moss-covered crevices, which must remind JP of being in the ocean with Clare.

A makeout sesh ensues, followed by dinner, drinks and conversation by a steaming geyser that erupts all over them. Yet another reminder of Clare. "Everything ... is just wet," DAndi points out. 

They don't do much to get to know each other, and the conversation is just eh, mostly just talk about wanting great love and a family. But DAndi gets a rose and more smooches.

Wanna Go for a Ride ... in My Giant Balls?

The group date card invites opera singer Sharleen, archenemy Chelsie, everyone's momma Renee, nurse Nikki, Scottsdale's Salsa dancing Kat and triple threat Cassandra to "Let Love Roll." That means Clare is getting the first *second* one-on-one date, so JP must feel like he needs to patch things up further. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

A Land Rover takes the women to a sheep-and-cow-covered hillside, and it's time to do some grazing. It's also Cassandra's 22nd birthday, and all she wants is a Juan Pablo with a bow and some candles to blow, which rhymes.

Chelsie steals some alone time before they all climb into giant inflatable balls filled with water and roll down the hill. It's pretty much the most fun thing I could ever imagine, like ever. Each woman gets at least one ride with Juan Pablo, as is the Venezuelan way. Nikki also gets some in-ball kisses.

You Can't Spell Fun Without FU

It's off to Hobbiton, which is the Shire in the Lord of the Rings and Hobbit films. Sharleen's giddiness reveals her awesome inner nerd, but it's Renee who is pulled away first. Juan steals a quick kiss before she opens up about Cassandra's breakdown and how they're missing their kids. He treats them differently, almost respectfully, and says they are his special mommas. Renee is rewarded with selfies and smooches.

While the girls talk about the true meaning of a group-date rose, Nikki tells JP she's falling for him and is also rewarded with a bit of the tongue. Things don't go quite as well for Sharleen, who is looking for reassurances and instead gets already double-used lips all over hers. It's a shame, too, because she looked optimistic for conversation before he grabbed her by the face. The forced kissfest goes on like that.

Gropey McGrabsalot is a bit too handsy, when all she really wants to do is talk about Frodo, Sam and the talking trees. 

Cassandra wishes for a JP present of the floral variety, but despite her praise of his fathering abilities and how happy she is to be there, he gives the rose to Sharleen. Then he pulls Cassandra aside and sends her home on her birthday. Wow. He tells her how awesome she is, but they're in different chapters of their lives and he doesn't want her to have to wait any longer to see Rodney Stuckey's paid-for offspring. In his defense, I don't think he knew it was her birthday, but 22 is off to a rocky, tearful and age-appropriately dramatic start.

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Clare-ia?

JP Skypes with Camila before trying to clear the air with a nervous Clare, who is still upset about her feelings being hurt, over a picnic. She wants an apology, but he is focused on making sure she is happy and comfortable. He takes responsibility at first, stopping short of saying I'm sorry, but he still kind of pins it on her exuberance and not wanting to disappoint her. 

She wants to know what the boundaries are, and he says he tries to keep things delicate around his daughter, not even holding hands in front of her. Doing a bang up job so far, chief, literally. He makes her promise never to cry because of him, which is just mean if he doesn't end up picking her, and then it's off to La Villa de Beso (translation: Kisstown).

Over waters and wine and sweats on the couch, he asks if her ice queen heart is finally melting. She's reassured, gets a rose and is keeping her mouth shut (at least with the other ladies) for the time being. Could we end up with a DVD-from-the-beyond viewing?

A Hillside Cocktail Party

JP suits up and sits down with Chris Harrison for a pre-cocktail party talk, and he admits he's thinking about dropping to one knee at the end of all this. He's just not sure who he'll be proposing to yet. He'll only be sending one woman home, and you have to figure it's either Kat or Chelsie. Unless another woman were to recuse herself...

You could cut the Middle Earthian tension with a orc's ax, and Nikki gets the first alone time. She asks JP to do a spin move, tells him she likes him a lot and then they swap spit. They have weird flirty conversation about how much is a little versus how much is a lot and what is good versus what is very good, i.e. the kisses are very good. 

Renee also experiences some quality mouth-to-mouth, though watching Juan Pablo's only real move is getting a bit excruciating. It's a little gross, not to mention hypocritical and herp-tastic.

Sharleen's Choice

Chelsie and Kat pick up on the fact that they're the two who are at risk. Chelsie is nervous, while Kat is overly-confident. My archenemy pulls JP aside and talks about, I don't know, things? I tuned her babbling out almost as quickly as Juan Pablo does. 

Kat tells him about her latest diary entry "journaling," in which she wrote about her dad being too drunk to care for her as a child (which she never talks about) and how this experience is comforting because the risk is worth the reward.

Juan Pablo always appears to be a great listener, because he doesn't understand half of what people are saying to him. So he just looks pensive and nods a lot. 

It's flower time! Sharleen, DAndi and Clare are safe, and three roses go to:

Nikki
Renee
Chelsie

Ugh. My archenemy remains, and the void in the science educating universe is palpable. Kat is devastated but gracious, tearlessly wishing Juan Pablo luck until she gets in the limo, when the tears fall. Still, she stays mostly composed while talking about how everyone says what a catch she is, yet she always ends up alone. It's the dangers of being overconfident. Kat and Drew, anyone??

Sharleen wonders if this is all wrong somehow, feeling guilty over the eliminations because of her uncertainty and the fact that she knows JP is not for her. But they're headed to his hometown of Miami, so she'll give it another week before she hits the highway. Stay tuned for her inevitable departure.

The Clare-Nikki tension is also about to hit a breaking point, but I'm not sure which side I'm on (Nikki's!). Are you team Nikki or team Clare? Or team neither? Or whatever team Juan Pablo isn't on? At this point, do you see him winding up with anyone? Can he be redeemed in America's eyes?

For me, the highlight of this episode was the sheep poop fight that played out the episode. Juan Pablo says whoever "steps in the most poops wins." Which may be the best way to sum up this entire season.

The Bachelor season 18 airs every Monday at 8pm on ABC.

(Image courtesy of ABC)