'The Bachelor' Recap: Momma Renee to the Rescue
'The Bachelor' Recap: Momma Renee to the Rescue
Bill King
Bill King
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
Oh, Juan Pablo ... why must you open that beautiful mouth of yours? Even your accent can't spruce up perceived prejudice.

Before we get to the action on week three of The Bachelor, let's first take a moment to address el elefante in the room. JP is under fire and apologized for comments he made about whether or not there should be a gay Bachelor, statements he say were taken out of context and misconstrued thanks to the language barrier.

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You can read more about what he said, his apology and the backlash by clicking here.
 
I have to admit -- and before you get outraged, hear me out -- that I agree with Juan Pablo on this one. I certainly wouldn't have used the words he articulated, because I actually do speak English, but I don't think America is ready for a gay Bachelor.

I'm hopeful that we will be soon, as barriers to equal rights continue to fall and opponents accept that gay marriage is the future.

As for JP, anyone who has been watching this season knows he struggles with translations. I imagine the outrage was mostly generated by his use of the word "pervert," but it doesn't take an Oxford-trained linguist to recognize he didn't even use the correct part of speech. 

Much like America wasn't ready for a black president until 2008, we'll know we're ready for a gay Bachelor when we have one. Heck, Juan Pablo is the first who isn't as pasty white as the Pillsbury Dough Boy. 

It's baby steps for a discriminatory nation, and there's a stigma of promiscuity associated with gay men. I think a show designed to exploit that stereotype would actually be damaging to the push for gay rights. That's not to say that only straight people are allowed to be trashy, but I don't think it's necessarily anti-gay to consider if it would be too racy for primetime television.

That being said, if America fell in love with a gay man like it did with Juan Pablo, and it was done in the right way, a gay Bachelor could be a smashing success. But having 25 men drunkenly vying for another is not the move that convinces bigots to get on board with supporting equality. 

Unless they went with lipstick lesbians. Then it would be the highest-rated show in history. 

Do you agree? Disagree? Let me know your thoughts in the comments section below, and maybe we can get a discussion going. Now on to the skanks!

The Triple Threat's Wild Ride

The women are fretting about who will get the next date card, with Nurse Nikki coming in at a 15 on the 1-to-10 scale of wanting one, and ta-ta Lucy hoping she gets one that's just cuddling. 

The date -- Love is a Wild Ride -- goes to triple threat (21-year-old ex-NBA dancer, makeup artist and single mom) Cassandra, and it's do or die, fall in love or send her back to Trey. After some JP QT with Camila and the 'rents, the couple hop into an aquatic jeep and drive out onto the lake. If Jesus had a car, this would be it. 

Cassandra's first date in three years (also, her first first date in three years and her son is three) is going splendidly as Juan Pablo does donuts in the lake and nearly flips all the kayakers calmly navigating the no-wake zone. Then they drive up to the first yacht of the season, take a sunset swim and make out in the water.

A Romp at Juan Pablo's

They retire to Juan Pablo's abode (Camila is out with Mom Mom and Pop Pop) so that Cassandra can feel at home, and JP makes his secret pasta recipe and teaches her some Salsa dancing. It also appears he is drinking water while she sips white wine. But hey, it might be her first legal drink. 

They eat chocolate by the fire, and he has no idea what a malted milk ball is. But she's beautiful and they look at pictures of each other's kids. Anyone else wondering which NBA player fathered Cassandra's son? Trey? Three-point specialist? All I know is that kid has huge feet and will be dunking by the second grade.

(FYI side research: Detroit Pistons guard Rodney Stuckey. Jackpot.)

JP gives a speech about knowing what they're both looking for and offers her the rose, and she hasn't felt this way since she was 18 (again, three years ago). Lips and tongues intertwine.

The Girls Play with Balls

As the rest of the herd await the group date card, second-best first-grade teacher Elise opens up to everyone's momma Renee about her mother passing away from cancer. She also wrote a letter from the beyond, but unlike fake pregnant Clare's, it wasn't written to a future spouse. Instead, it is for the producers of The Bachelor

Seeing as how Elise isn't a Pennsylvania first-grade teacher anymore, lives in California and is trying to be an actress, I'm not sure what I believe from this one. Oh, and she appeared in an uber- softcore snuff film called The Yule Log years ago in which she sat by a fire in lingerie and writhed around a bit. 

The "Let's Kick It" group card arrives, and all but Scottsdale's Salsa dancing Kat, Clare, Elise and archenemy Chelsie are off to play soccer at the home of the LA Galaxy. 

Hopefully, there's no repeat of Brooks' dodgeball injury, and if anyone needs shin guards, it's these ladies. The blue team is DA Andi, everyone's momma Renee, simply gorgeous Christy, opera singer Sharleen and piano biker Lauren, while the red team is nurse Nikki, dog lover Kelly, psych nurse Danielle, ta-ta Lucy and soccer nanny Alli. Advantage: Red.

Juan Pablo refs the fiercest game of soccer ever played by people with little to no ability outside of Alli, and the blue team is losing bad before JP jumps in and nutmegs her. Poor Sharleen gets beat up, taking balls off the face, and even Juan Pablo knocks her down despite the fact that they're on the same team. In the end, the score doesn't matter because everyone had fun and tried real hard. Trophies (and champagne) for everyone!

Disregarding Sean Lowe's Advice

The women ditch their workout gear in favor of dresses and heels, getting all gussied up for drinks in the empty soccer stadium. Nurse Nikki gets the first alone time and once again engages Juan Pablo in actual grown-up conversation. He touches her forehead, compliments her super sexy back tat and reassures her that there's just something about her.

DA Alli gets kitchen tongue, soccer nanny Andi wants four or five kids and psych nurse Danielle talks about how she's adopted. Opera singer Sharleen and JP head down to the field, where he lays down a blanket and tells her she's classy. The conversation is awkward and the kiss isn't any better. That's a lot of tongue. 

Even though Sean Lowe warned him about letting the other ladies spy a makeout session, he does this in full view, much to their chagrin. Then he shocks everyone by giving nurse Nikki the rose. Early favorite prevails! She does a dance, while kissing partners Sharleen and Andi question everything. 

Taking a Dive for Love

Not-really-a-teacher Elise is very confident ahead of the final date card, since Clare and Kat have already had one-on-one dates and archenemy Chelsie is totes a little girl who would be JP's second daughter. But the "Do You Trust Me?" date card arrives and goes to my archenemy, and Elise is not happy ... until Juan Pablo apologizes to her. It's proof that he's totally into her. In her mind.

Chelsie reminds me of a prettier version of Chloe from 24, and they car-dance to Spanish music on their way to a Venezuelan lunch before tandem bungee jumping off a bridge. It's an awesome adventure, but Chelsie panics and turns it into a much bigger deal. The worker standing there must be thinking, "I do this every day. You have no idea how much I want to push this crying b**ch."

JP shushes and soothes to calm her down, much like Elise predicted would be necessary, and they finally take the plunge. I was hoping she'd puke, but it's not meant to be. Juan Pablo's "Holy moly macaroni" proves he's the father of a toddler. My exclamations would have been more of the profane variety.

An undeserved upside-down kiss session follows, and Juan Pablo says she's amazing. Bleh!

City Hall is Where the Magic Happens

A romantic dinner follows inside the walls of Pasadena City Hall, and they talk about their greatest fears. Juan Pablo's is that he doesn't set a good example for his daughter. Chelsie's is that she isn't happy, which she admits is weird (is it?). She's also the black sheep of the family because she decided to be a teacher educator and not a doctor or a dentist. 

Still, Juan Pablo calls her a wife-material keeper and sees her maternal instincts, which means I question his. I dunno, maybe I'm being too hard on her. But she rubs me the wrong way. He offers a rose, and she happily accepts. 

Then it's off to a private Billy Currington concert, which is perfect for Chelsie because she actually knows the words. 

Breakfast Without Your Face On

Juan Pablo sneaks into the mansion while all the girls are still asleep to surprise them with Venezuelan breakfast, and dog lover Kelly is the first one down, mortified that she's not wearing makeup or a bra. Grandma says never let a man see you without your face on! Everyone's momma Renee barely cares that she hasn't even brushed her teeth, once again proving how kids change you. I like it.

An impromptu pool party follows, complete with a JP-Chris Harrison impression, to replace the stressful cocktail party. So bust out the bikinis, lather up with sunscreen and let the drinks flow! Oh, you naive girls, thinking this skinfest is less dangerous than the usual evening party. 

The girls get jealous when Scottsdale's Salsa dancing Kat and her giant fake bongos climb atop Juan Pablo for some chicken fights, and dog lover Kelly gets catty and says she looks like a whore. They think she's making a spectacle of herself, and fake-pregnant Clare is starting to fall victim to the first date curse. Thankfully, momma Renee is there to talk her down.

Opera singer Sharleen is out of her element and begins to question if she's the right girl for JP, and she completely shuts down and boxes him out during their alone time. He keeps trying to break through, though, and she cries on his shoulder. She sneaks a kiss because no one is looking, so of course everyone knows.

Clare sits down with JP to complain about how difficult the process is, and poor Juan Pablo has to listen to the same mumbo-jumbo he's heard from at least 10 of the women. Thank god for momma Renee, or we'd be down to, like, four or five. She's Juan Pablo when Juan Pablo isn't around.

15 Becomes 13 

Finally, it's rose time! Nurse Nikki, triple threat Cassandra and archenemy Chelsie are safe. Sidenote: Sharleen looks really good. The 10 roses go to...

DA Andi
Momma Renee
Dog lover Kelly (and Molly)
Opera singer Sharleen
Worst first-grade teacher Elise
Scottsdale's Salsa dancing Kat
Soccer nanny Alli
Fake-pregnant Clare
Piano biker Lauren
Psych nurse Danielle

That means free spirit Lucy and simply gorgeous Christy are out, and I guess neither is that shocking. Lucy has never been on the stepmom radar, and Christy barely squeaked by last week. Still, she is so damn hot. Like super hot. She's sad because she feels like she didn't open up quickly enough. 

Lucy is devastated, but also happy that it came before she invested herself further. She hopes everyone in the house finds what they're looking for, because they all deserve love. She grew on me a bit and wasn't nearly as strange this time around.

As a final bonus, we get treated to Juan Pablo and archenemy Chelsie teaching each other words. She just wants to know the curse words, and he can't say "chivalrous." My life is now complete.

Were you surprised by either of the eliminations? And how are your favorites stacking up? Will Clare end up being too needy? Is Cassandra too young? And is Elise "there for the right reasons"? The drama continues next week, with a brief interlude to marry Sean and Catherine so they can finally get some long-awaited action. See you then!

The Bachelor season 18 airs every Monday at 8pm on ABC.

(Image courtesy of ABC)