episode two right where we left off last week: Ronnie's hungover after a long night's "work" at the club, where he engaged in the
. Sammi's pressing everyone to tell her how Ron "did himself" the night before (that sounds gross in the past tense, doesn't it?), but Pauly kept it vague: "Too many Miami Vices." Whoa, you guys. Do you know what this MEANS? Pauly D made my joke before I had the chance to make it. I don't know if that should make me feel bad about myself, or good about Pauly D. But whatever. Baby's first pun!
brain trust is that he came home from a night of public slutting and immediately climbed into bed with Sammi. No, wait--it's more specific than that. The worst part is that he came home from a night of slutting with UGLY girls and climbed in bed with her. The distinction is important, because the ugliness adds to the disrespect. If the girls had been hot, Sammi would have to be like, "Oh, you were playing musical tongues with super
girls? Yes, OK, I understand. I would have done the
But Ronnie and Sammi aren't even dating, and plus, it's Ronnie and Sammi, who are both equally the worst, especially to each other, so, double-time now:
Pauly was on a roll with the zings that morning, and told Ronnie that his new nickname is I.F.F., which stands for the "I'm F***ed Foundation," of which he is "a client and the president." Haha, oh Pauly. If this DJing and reality stardom thing doesn't pan out, there may just be a career for you in blogging. Clever boy.
Time for today's super straight gab sesh! Everybody put on your matching tank tops and jeans and get in the car. We've got work to do!
Like a troupe of exotic male dancers on their way to dance rehearsal.
During Tank Top Quadruplet Gossip Time (TTQGT), Ronnie described his strategy of keeping his night's activities from Sammi: "Deny, deny, deny" until Angelina tells the truth and then ... the plan ends there. And since everything he did is going to be on TV, and him plotting out all of his lies is ALSO going to be on TV, there is just no way that this plan won't work out. Fool proof.
Speaking of fool proof:
No buyer's remorse here! (To have remorse, you have to reflect. And the sign up in Snooki's brain clearly states: "No Reflection ALLOWED.")
While at the "tranny sex shop," Snooki bought these "blinged out" beauties for $400, even though she cannot see through them. But what's the point in seeing when you're just going to get black-out drunk and constantly fall over because you're built like a human wibble-wobble anyway, right? RIGHT?
Later, there was a whole big fuss about chicken. Mike made chicken and placed it precariously in the fridge, and then ominously said, "I hope nobody opens the fridge because that messy pan of chicken will just fall all over them!" And then GUESS WHAT HAPPENED? Snooki happened.
Let's go to the aerial view, Steve:
As you can see in this bird's eye view, Tom, the chicken fell, and boy did it get just everywhere. I guess you could say it ... flew the GOOP!
Snooki: "My first thought was 'I don't want to clean this up.' My second thought was 'I just ruined dinner.' My third thought was 'What am I gonna eat?'"
Whoa, girl, slow down. That's a lot of thoughts in a row. Pace yourself. In terms of my thoughts, they went this way:
First thought: Was this chicken fiasco choreographed? It seems really choreographed, especially because of what Mike said.
Second thought: How freaking boring is it down in Miami that they have to intentionally coordinate kitchen messes in order to create interesting plot-lines on this show?
Third thought: What am I doing with my life?
Vinny took a poll and everyone decided that eating chicken that had been on the floor was a bad idea. Yes, because they all care so much about germs and health and wellness. With the chicken ruined (RUINED!), Mike ordered take-out, in the way only Mike could order take-out:
"What's the name?"
"Situation ... capital S-I-T-U-A-T-I-O-N."
"Whatever, man. What's the order?"
Sassy take-out order guy, you're kind of my hero.
Then everyone looked through the bathroom door and watched JWoww walk around naked (the usual).
What friends do!
Sometime in between Peeping Tom hour and eating take-out, JWoww and Snooki remembered how much they hate Angelina, that ol' perpetual motion machine who instead of producing motion produces garbage-thoughts and snarls, because she talked sh*t about them and their boyfriends.
What is a m*****?!
She called your man a "foolhardy madame"?! NUH HUH. No sir. This will not stand.
JWoww went into Drunk Hulk mode and told Angelina to sleep with one eye open because her friends ("J-420, Joey Yanks and BILL." Sit on that gem for just a sec ... OK, now proceed) told her how much sh*t Angelina has been talking about everyone in the house. And their boyfriends. NOT THE BOYFRIENDS!
JWoww was making all these scary faces and hand motions (and the yelling, OH the yelling) in Angelina's terrible-liar monster face, and the boys in the house thought it was just awesome. They were loving it. Literally:
Then someone called for Angelina (as they are always doing--apparently she's part of some "Worst Persons in America" phone tree) and Snooki said, "No, she died" and hung up. CLASSIC! No, seriously. It was really funny, and will probably become part of some "Classic Snookisms" reel later this season.
Sammi and Ronnie fought over him calling his ex-girlfriend, but in an M. Night Shyamalan-ian TWIST!
it turns out
he called the ex-girlfriend to get advice about how much he loves Sammi, so BOOM: They're back together. Awww! Two jerks who deserve each other.
The next day, the gang went to the local gelato shop, where they will be "working" for the summer. Huh? These goons still need to pretend to have jobs on this show? Shilling gelato in a tiny little gelato shop? The extent to which MTV will avoid mentioning that everyone here is
famous now and getting paid 10K+ per episode to act a fool is kind of
insultingly extreme. And putting the 'roid-rageous Ronnie behind that fancy all-glass counter and forcing him to ask "regular cherry or cherry jubilee?" is as close as you will get to sticking a (Red)bull in a china shop. Bad idea, Anzo! (Anzo is their new "boss.") But seeing Pauly in a hairnet will make it all worth it.
That night, at the club, Ronnie put on the coolest outfit in the history of outfits.
Professor Style at Fashion University
A girl straddled Mike, bit him, and then flashed everyone as she tumbled off him and onto the floor. Par for the course, really, but the Situation laughed heartily. Enjoying the little things in life: That's what it's all about!
Mike does not sweat the petty things, but he does pet the sweaty things.
Angelina got wasted, lost what little self-awareness she had in the first place, and then took whatever was leftover (hard-boiled bitch resin) and shoved it down Pauly's throat.
With friends like these, why don't I just go kill myself?
To be fair, Angelina's new "friend" informed her that the girl Pauly was kissing was "engaged or whatever," and she was just trying to warn him not to make the same mistake she did last season when she got involved with a married man. But instead of saying that, she said "I love you" and then she called him "retarded."
When they got home, Angelina continued to call Pauly stupid and retarded, and he attempted to close off the conversation he was having with the walking bottle of Grey Goose disguised as Angelina (that explains the sunglasses ... incognito
), but then the Grey Goose started crying.
Situation attempted to comfort the Goose and put it to bed, but the Goose would not nest. Instead, the Goose told Pauly she wanted to marry him and have his babies, and then raised its great big stupid wings and slapped him for no reason. Uh oh! Pauly got MAD and yelled, "ARE YOU TOUCHING ME? STOP TOUCHING ME" in a big, bad angry man's voice, and the Goose got confused: What had she done wrong, besides everything? And now the Goose has no friends. Again.
Fly away home, silly Grey Goose in an Angelina suit. You're even worse than the real thing.