I apologize I wasn't here to recap last week's Jersey Shore
episode, you guys. I was off watching my best friend get married in a beautiful, elegant, totally grown up and glorious celebration of love and fidelity--which, if you think even medium-hard about it, is clearly the polar opposite experience of watching Jersey Shore
. So I think I can bring some nice, fresh perspective to tonight's episode after reminding myself once more how real adults should treat each other.
Sorry, Jersey Shore
. You're doing it wrong. But boy, do I like to watch you do it.
So last week, what did I miss? Vinny and Snooki hooked up, Sammi continued to be a wishy-washy Ronnie doormat (woof) and Mike almost brought home a tranny. But the big news of the night was the fight between JWoww and Sammi, instigated by Angelina spreading rumors about Angelina spreading rumors about Pauly (again, woof) and Vinny running to JWoww to tattle on Angelina. Because don't let their muscles fool you: These are children.
Jersey Shore is available on Amazon Prime.
Tonight, in fair Miami, where we lay our scene (sorry Shakespeare), the drama of JWoww vs. Sammi continues. Hair extensions and nails fly everywhere, mixed in with the contents of Sammi's thrown turkey sandwich--the one tragic casualty of this war over nonsense. I mean: Over the note. Can you believe we're still talking about the note? MY GOD.
FINISH HER! (They're both "her.")
Sammi claims she beat JWoww's ass (and she's "basking in it") but in Jersey
speak, that just means that she survived her encounter with the beast that is JWoww. She'll rip your head off, rememeber? So that counts as a win, even in the guys' book.
The next morning, there's tension between Angelina and Vinny (because of the tattling, and because of Angelina being a "two-faced whore") and between JWoww and Sammi (because of the late night foxy boxing). JWoww calls in sick to work so she can go get her nails fixed. And wears an amazing hat while doing so.
Shockingly, she doesn't get fired. But what I want to know is: WHY ARE WE STILL PRETENDING THEY NEED THIS JOB? They're already getting paid by the network and to appear at every club they go to. The gelato shop is merely a road block to drunkenness and drama. C'mon, MTV! We're big kids. We know this show has no message about work ethic. We can handle the cold, ugly capitalist truth of this enterprise. I mean, it can't be uglier than the night vision footage we saw tonight.
But enough of all that. It's BEACH TIME! Let's take a vote about which was funnier ...
Was it the zoom-in freeze frame of the girl with a cold sore, accompanied by Pauly saying, "Nothing like a herpe to ruin the party"?
... Or was it Snooki saying that on job applications that ask her ethnicity, she checks "Other" and writes in "Tan"?
On the one hand: When is the word "herpes" not funny? But on the other hand: BWAHAHA, Snooki, you are simply too much
. I can't decide. YOU DECIDE!
In other house non-events, Angelina is dating a guy named Jose who dresses up in a suit to visit her at the gelato shop, and bought her a nice Fossil watch. The guys advice Angelina that she is now required to let him "hit that." But she'd rather just let him buy her things and NOT let him hit that. She's a "single woman in Miami," and she "does what she wants." Feminism! No, wait, that's not the right word. Manipulation! Ah, there it is.
I'M THE WORST!
Sammi and Jenni still hate each other, blahbedy blah, as do Vinny and Angelina--except when they're drunk. Here's Vinny calling Angelina the "Rob Kardashian of Staten Island" when sober.
And here's him perpendicular kissing her when wasted at the club the next night.
Brains: Who needs 'em? Am I right?
Meanwhile, Snooki finds a nice young man named Dennis to dance "like Spanish people" with her, and she invites him over to "get it in" the next night. Even though he called her "mommy," which is apparently the worst turn-off for a guidette. Another turn-off? Bringing over your "grenade grundle choad" of a friend (thanks for that new term for my repertoire, Snooki! Really rolls off the tongue), otherwise known as Marco, whom Snooki promptly kicked out so she could Smush her Dennis. And the moral of tonight's story is: Poor Marco. You didn't deserve that, Marco. But that's what you get for being friends with Dennis. And that's what Dennis gets for screwing Snooki in the Smush Room.
And writing all of those silly words is what I get for watching Jersey Shore
. Circle of life. Or something. What did you think of tonight's Jersey Shore sexcapades?(Images courtesy of MTV)