Sit down, children, for I shall tell you a tale. A bedtime tale; a tale of beds moved and moved upon
(sexually). A tale of the time that Ronnie punched Mike into oblivion for something he may or may not have said about sex that Ron may or may not have had. Or wanted to have. But I'm getting ahead. That's the ending. Let us start at the beginning.
We open on Mike in bed with one of the twins, and Vinny in bed with the
other -- after she first came home with Mike, then hooked up with Deena.
"I'm an individual!"
the sluttier one yells at Mike when he tries to
get the F out alongside her twin sister. Yes, dear, you are a unique,
special snowflake -- as evidenced by the fact that this show refuses to
acknowledge that you have a name. Unfortunately, my psychic powers (the internet)
tell me we'll be seeing Thing 1 and Sluttier Thing 2 later this season.
Deena Kissed a Girl, and No One Liked It
"The truth is, me and Deena did tag-team a girl, but robbing is not
teamwork. It's called tag-team, not tag-rob,"
Jersey Shore is available on Amazon Prime.
says Vinny. He's torn
between feeling betrayed by his friend, and feeling grossed out that two
ladies might want to do that together, for their own enjoyment rather
than for a Girls Gone Wild camera man.
Later, at the Max, it's the talk of the town how Deena went all LEZBO
and that Mike went all AWOL (from Truth Town). He maintains that he
banged Snooki while she had a boyfriend. He is adamant and vows to stand
by his story. Never has a mission to prove one's integrity been based
on trying to PROVE that one knowingly hooked up with a taken woman. "Why
don't you believe me? That I'm a TERRIBLE person? WHY WON'T ANYONE
LISTEN TO ME THAT I'M A COMPLETE A**HOLE?" Oh, this show.
Deena feels oppressed by the boys' jocular treatment of her brief but
glorious trip to Aunt Sappho's island. (If you understand that: Why you
watching Jersey Shore
, nerd? If you don't understand that: ask Uncle Google.)
Snooki calls Jionni and tries to get ahead of the story, telling Jionni that Mike says they did sex one time. She promises that she never hooked up with Mike, and Jionni believes her maybe, but his "I love you" sounds halfhearted. But at least he's coming
to visit in three weeks! "Let's have babies,"
says Snooki. Imagining her
pregnant fills me with amusement, delight and absolute terror.
That night, the girls decide to put on their hugest hats to fancy up
HATS!"They look like the Kentucky Derby f*cked the Easter
says Mike. The hats, unfortunately, do not act as awkwardness
shields and instead irritate the boys. The boys hate the hats. They want
to punish the hats. So they force Deena to declare her true
orientation: Does she like boys or girls or both or animals too or all
of the above?
Her brief dalliance with another lady's vajay taught her
how much she likes boys, Deena says. Mike once again considers himself
the house's moral compass, and accuses Deena of stealing Vinny's
property (a human girl who considers herself "an individual"). Deena
starts to question whether these boys are really her friends. "I feel
like I'm losing myself,"
she says to the girls, while the boys decide to
kick her while she's down and put her bed in the living room. All
intense drama on this show ALWAYS has something to do with someone's
bed, ever notice that? I would try to extract some sort of symbolism,
but let's not give them too much credit.
JWoww goes to the boys and calls for more peace and understanding --
that's how we know they're REALLY being d-holes. Deena is so hurt and
upset by the bed movement that she cries in Sammi's arms and says, "I'm
having an anxiety attack!"
JWoww is forced to move the bed back into the
because Pauly and Vinny just sit on
their beds chuckling and refusing to acknowledge Deena's feelings.
They're still mad at her for stealing that twin. You know, "the
individual." Pauly accuses Deena of having changed
She used to be "cool," but now she's a c*ckblocking, robbing crazy girl.
Weirdly, Deena doesn't disagree. She has
realizes. Then she has a breakthrough: "It's like... I'm just drinking,
and then I do stupid sh*t, and then I just keep drinking!"
tearfully apologizes (glazing over the whole alcoholism thing) and
everybody vows to move on, more mature and enlightened people who won't
steal each other's random sluts anymore. YAY, EMOTIONAL GROWTH!!! I
think I'm gonna start watching more UN sessions, because peace
talks are super
Pearls Before Wine
Time to go to work! It's cute how this show still pretends these people
need actual work to survive. It's Pauly, Deena and Snooki's first day on
the job at the pizzeria. (Two meatballs and an Italian sausage, haha, right guys! I like
saying that because it's like I'm one of them, like I'm in on the
jokes.) Snooki can't understand her Italian coworker, Italian Lurch. But
she can swear at him all day and he doesn't even know! Pauly speaks the
international language of love
, so they send him
outside to hand out fliers to attractive young ladies.
Meanwhile, back at home, Ronnie's back together with Sammi (because he
hates himself), but he's still maintaining his flirty phone relationship
with his girl on the side, "Hannah" (because he hates Sammi even more).
JWoww calls him out, and once again, it's like Ronnie's head really is a
rock. Nothing gets in, nothing comes out. He knows he's in the wrong,
but he plans to make no changes. "Stay out of my relationship,"
demands. Remember, "deny, deny, deny"? And how WELL that worked out for
him last time he openly cheated while living with his girlfriend in
front of a bunch of cameras? Yeah. Solid as a rock, this guy.
Deena and Snooki decide they hate working (which is fine because they can't get fired and on
every level this "job" isn't real) and they hate their "nazi"
boss, Marco (he's a "nazi" because he expects them to do five minutes of work in an hour). So they literally bribe a
customer to buy them wine, which they sneak off and chug in the closet.
Let's play HIDE 'N' WINE! Here's how you play: We hide. Then we drink wine! The end, we win!
Snooki covers for them and says Deena got her period ("I had my peri-OH-so!"
as Deena tries to Mario and Luigi it) and that's why
there's an empty bottle of white wine in the bathroom? They forget the crucial part of their foolproof plan: get rid of the evidence.
Well, the bottle's almost
empty. Marco pours the rest down the sink, that SADISTIC NAZI. "Marco wasting all
that wine is definitely alcohol abuse, because I could have drank that,"
says Snooki. R.I.P. backwash, you lived your life like a candle in the
Ronnie goes on a guilt shopping spree for Sammi, and it's actually sort
of heartbreaking to watch her open all her gifts, not knowing they were
purchased on a credit line of shame and humiliation that will need to be
paid back later. With interest. (More like "with DISinterest," because
who cares about these two, amirite?) But at least she got some freeee
At dinner, Snooki contemplates making a dildo in the image of Jionni's
penis when he comes to visit. "That way, he'll always be with me."
like to think that Florence's David statue inspired this idea, because
I'd really like to think that they experienced some culture while they
were there, even if it got sublimated into unique dildo creation
concepts. Then JWoww tells Snooki that, once again, she knows that
Ronnie is cheating on Sammi. The whole thing with "the note" didn't go
so well last time, so JWoww and Snooki decide to let it be. No need to
blow another hole in an already sinking ship, you know?
A Night at Club Yab
The gang heads out to "Club Yab," which is an amazing name. I don't know
if it means anything, but I don't care. Just like Vinny doesn't care if
a girl speaks English or not -- he's an equal opportunity scammer. His
first target speaks just enough
English to say that she doesn't want to do sex with
Sammi sees Ronnie dancing "three feet above a fat chick" (his
description) and gets jealous. They immediately, drunkenly get into a
screaming match about how neither of them deserves the other's
antagonism and break up. Ronnie does a Charlie Brown walk home and calls
his boyfriend ("Hannah"?) and brags about being a misogynist and
possibly rapist? "I don't put the p**** on a pedestal, I put it on the
couch and the ground where it belongs, the exact same place that I f***
he screams. WOW. Just in case I didn't officially, wholly despise
the guts WITHIN Ronnie's guts -- that did the trick!
Back at the club, Mike and Pauly corner some attractive (drunk) American
(drunk) girls and get them home (drunk). But then one of them wakes up! Oh no!
She realizes that -- best case scenario -- her naked back might end up
on MTV if she's not careful -- and so she gets her friend and gets out.
Mike hates how he's always getting c*ckblocked by the girls he's trying
to trick into sex! The price of fame, you guys. The price of fame.
FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Later, drunk Sammi comes home and reveals that in episode one, Mike said
Ronnie was planning on bringing five different women over to the house.
Or something. The tensing, Jersey-fied as it is, makes it confusing as
to whether Ronnie meant he DID, WOULD, WILL, MIGHT or SHOULD bring over
five different faceless, nameless vaginas. Doesn't matter; Ronnie is
furious. He declares he's about to get "gully"
while taking off his shirt and jewelry.
Oh, that sounds fun! Like THIS kind of gully, Ronnie?
"Now I'm about to get f***ing real f***ing gully." - Me when I'm about to watch Fern Gully for the 12th time in a row
No, definitely not THAT kind of gully, I learn. He means the "street" kind of gully. The fist ---> face kind of gully. Disappointing. He's like one of those 300
dudes getting ready for battle. But like, way
drunker. And stupider. And possibly genetically a gorilla?
Shirtless Ronnie storms through the house declaring, "I'm going to f*ck
He finds Mike, who has no idea what Ronnie is rumbling and
mumbling about in his rageful gorilla tongue. He gets Sammi to
translate: "You're like, Ron said he's gonna bring home girls tonight!
Mike does not remember that. I do not question this; I
doubt Mike ever
considers what comes out of his mouth, pre- or
Ron starts to move Mike's bed out of the room (SEE?! Always with the beds!) and Mike
loses it now. "I don't get involved in your f*cking relationship, bro!
You wanna hit me, tough guy?"
Oh, now HE'S moving his OWN bed! I don't
know what that means, but I think it means they're both mad. Real
mad, you guys. "STAAAAHP!"
Sammi screams, helpless and scared but also deep down relishing that she
caused this mess because that's the kind of masochistic
person she must be to ALWAYS be getting into these situations (ugh, that
word is ruined forever) and yet still having NOT A SINGLE CLUE how to
handle them. (WATCH THE FIGHT HERE.
I posted it earlier today.)
In season 4, Jersey Shore
morphed from a human study of Eastern coastal Italian-Americans to a human study of humans who
literally cannot learn
The fight plays out, and Ronnie punches Mike into the
hospital. Sammi gets mad that, after Mike leaves in a stretcher, JWoww
is trying to talk down Ronnie's fists -- that's Sammi's job! SHE wants
to attempt and miserably fail at that job! By scream-cry-pleading with
Ronnie in his moment of pure fury to "just accept that!" Just accept what
, you ask? We'll have to wait until Sunday to
find out. That's right. Don't forget that the next new episode airs this
Sunday at 7pm before the VMAs. But until then...
What did you think of tonight's big fights? Deena vs. Pauly and Vinny? Ronnie vs. Sammi? And the final brawl: Ronnie vs. Mike?
(Images courtesy of MTV)