'Jersey Shore' Recap: 'I'm An Individual!' Yelled the Nameless Skank (and Other Bedtime Stories)
'Jersey Shore' Recap: 'I'm An Individual!' Yelled the Nameless Skank (and Other Bedtime Stories)
Meghan Carlson
Meghan Carlson
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Sit down, children, for I shall tell you a tale. A bedtime tale; a tale of beds moved and moved upon (sexually). A tale of the time that Ronnie punched Mike into oblivion for something he may or may not have said about sex that Ron may or may not have had. Or wanted to have. But I'm getting ahead. That's the ending. Let us start at the beginning.

We open on Mike in bed with one of the twins, and Vinny in bed with the other -- after she first came home with Mike, then hooked up with Deena. "I'm an individual!" the sluttier one yells at Mike when he tries to get the F out alongside her twin sister. Yes, dear, you are a unique, special snowflake -- as evidenced by the fact that this show refuses to acknowledge that you have a name. Unfortunately, my psychic powers (the internet) tell me we'll be seeing Thing 1 and Sluttier Thing 2 later this season.

Jersey Shore is available on Amazon Prime.


Deena Kissed a Girl, and No One Liked It

"The truth is, me and Deena did tag-team a girl, but robbing is not teamwork. It's called tag-team, not tag-rob," says Vinny. He's torn between feeling betrayed by his friend, and feeling grossed out that two ladies might want to do that together, for their own enjoyment rather than for a Girls Gone Wild camera man.

Later, at the Max, it's the talk of the town how Deena went all LEZBO and that Mike went all AWOL (from Truth Town). He maintains that he banged Snooki while she had a boyfriend. He is adamant and vows to stand by his story. Never has a mission to prove one's integrity been based on trying to PROVE that one knowingly hooked up with a taken woman. "Why don't you believe me? That I'm a TERRIBLE person? WHY WON'T ANYONE LISTEN TO ME THAT I'M A COMPLETE A**HOLE?" Oh, this show.

Deena feels oppressed by the boys' jocular treatment of her brief but glorious trip to Aunt Sappho's island. (If you understand that: Why you watching Jersey Shore, nerd? If you don't understand that: ask Uncle Google.)

Bed Games

Snooki calls Jionni and tries to get ahead of the story, telling Jionni that Mike says they did sex one time. She promises that she never hooked up with Mike, and Jionni believes her maybe, but his "I love you" sounds halfhearted. But at least he's coming to visit in three weeks! "Let's have babies," says Snooki. Imagining her pregnant fills me with amusement, delight and absolute terror.

That night, the girls decide to put on their hugest hats to fancy up Sunday dinner.

jerseyshore-bighats.jpgHATS!

"They look like the Kentucky Derby f*cked the Easter Bunny," says Mike. The hats, unfortunately, do not act as awkwardness shields and instead irritate the boys. The boys hate the hats. They want to punish the hats. So they force Deena to declare her true orientation: Does she like boys or girls or both or animals too or all of the above?

Her brief dalliance with another lady's vajay taught her how much she likes boys, Deena says. Mike once again considers himself the house's moral compass, and accuses Deena of stealing Vinny's property (a human girl who considers herself "an individual"). Deena starts to question whether these boys are really her friends. "I feel like I'm losing myself," she says to the girls, while the boys decide to kick her while she's down and put her bed in the living room. All intense drama on this show ALWAYS has something to do with someone's bed, ever notice that? I would try to extract some sort of symbolism, but let's not give them too much credit.

JWoww goes to the boys and calls for more peace and understanding -- that's how we know they're REALLY being d-holes. Deena is so hurt and upset by the bed movement that she cries in Sammi's arms and says, "I'm having an anxiety attack!" JWoww is forced to move the bed back into the room herself because Pauly and Vinny just sit on their beds chuckling and refusing to acknowledge Deena's feelings. They're still mad at her for stealing that twin. You know, "the individual." Pauly accuses Deena of having changed. She used to be "cool," but now she's a c*ckblocking, robbing crazy girl.

Weirdly, Deena doesn't disagree. She has changed, she realizes. Then she has a breakthrough: "It's like... I'm just drinking, and then I do stupid sh*t, and then I just keep drinking!" Deena tearfully apologizes (glazing over the whole alcoholism thing) and everybody vows to move on, more mature and enlightened people who won't steal each other's random sluts anymore. YAY, EMOTIONAL GROWTH!!! I think I'm gonna start watching more UN sessions, because peace talks are super fun.

Pearls Before Wine

Time to go to work! It's cute how this show still pretends these people need actual work to survive. It's Pauly, Deena and Snooki's first day on the job at the pizzeria. (Two meatballs and an Italian sausage, haha, right guys! I like saying that because it's like I'm one of them, like I'm in on the jokes.) Snooki can't understand her Italian coworker, Italian Lurch. But she can swear at him all day and he doesn't even know! Pauly speaks the international language of love, so they send him outside to hand out fliers to attractive young ladies.

Meanwhile, back at home, Ronnie's back together with Sammi (because he hates himself), but he's still maintaining his flirty phone relationship with his girl on the side, "Hannah" (because he hates Sammi even more). JWoww calls him out, and once again, it's like Ronnie's head really is a rock. Nothing gets in, nothing comes out. He knows he's in the wrong, but he plans to make no changes. "Stay out of my relationship," he demands. Remember, "deny, deny, deny"? And how WELL that worked out for him last time he openly cheated while living with his girlfriend in front of a bunch of cameras? Yeah. Solid as a rock, this guy.

Deena and Snooki decide they hate working  (which is fine because they can't get fired and on every level this "job" isn't real) and they hate their "nazi" boss, Marco (he's a "nazi" because he expects them to do five minutes of work in an hour). So they literally bribe a customer to buy them wine, which they sneak off and chug in the closet.

hidenwine.jpgLet's play HIDE 'N' WINE! Here's how you play: We hide. Then we drink wine! The end, we win!

Snooki covers for them and says Deena got her period ("I had my peri-OH-so!" as Deena tries to Mario and Luigi it) and that's why there's an empty bottle of white wine in the bathroom? They forget the crucial part of their foolproof plan: get rid of the evidence.

Well, the bottle's almost empty. Marco pours the rest down the sink, that SADISTIC NAZI. "Marco wasting all that wine is definitely alcohol abuse, because I could have drank that," says Snooki. R.I.P. backwash, you lived your life like a candle in the wind.

Ronnie goes on a guilt shopping spree for Sammi, and it's actually sort of heartbreaking to watch her open all her gifts, not knowing they were purchased on a credit line of shame and humiliation that will need to be paid back later. With interest. (More like "with DISinterest," because who cares about these two, amirite?) But at least she got some freeee stuffffff!

At dinner, Snooki contemplates making a dildo in the image of Jionni's penis when he comes to visit. "That way, he'll always be with me." I like to think that Florence's David statue inspired this idea, because I'd really like to think that they experienced some culture while they were there, even if it got sublimated into unique dildo creation concepts. Then JWoww tells Snooki that, once again, she knows that Ronnie is cheating on Sammi. The whole thing with "the note" didn't go so well last time, so JWoww and Snooki decide to let it be. No need to blow another hole in an already sinking ship, you know?

A Night at Club Yab

The gang heads out to "Club Yab," which is an amazing name. I don't know if it means anything, but I don't care. Just like Vinny doesn't care if a girl speaks English or not -- he's an equal opportunity scammer. His first target speaks just enough English to say that she doesn't want to do sex with him.

Sammi sees Ronnie dancing "three feet above a fat chick" (his description) and gets jealous. They immediately, drunkenly get into a screaming match about how neither of them deserves the other's antagonism and break up. Ronnie does a Charlie Brown walk home and calls his boyfriend ("Hannah"?) and brags about being a misogynist and possibly rapist? "I don't put the p**** on a pedestal, I put it on the couch and the ground where it belongs, the exact same place that I f*** it," he screams. WOW. Just in case I didn't officially, wholly despise the guts WITHIN Ronnie's guts -- that did the trick!

Back at the club, Mike and Pauly corner some attractive (drunk) American (drunk) girls and get them home (drunk). But then one of them wakes up! Oh no! She realizes that -- best case scenario -- her naked back might end up on MTV if she's not careful -- and so she gets her friend and gets out. Mike hates how he's always getting c*ckblocked by the girls he's trying to trick into sex! The price of fame, you guys. The price of fame.

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Later, drunk Sammi comes home and reveals that in episode one, Mike said Ronnie was planning on bringing five different women over to the house. Or something. The tensing, Jersey-fied as it is, makes it confusing as to whether Ronnie meant he DID, WOULD, WILL, MIGHT or SHOULD bring over five different faceless, nameless vaginas. Doesn't matter; Ronnie is furious. He declares he's about to get "gully" while taking off his shirt and jewelry.

ronniegettinggully.jpgOh, that sounds fun! Like THIS kind of gully, Ronnie?

ferngully_the_last_rainforest_ver2.jpg"Now I'm about to get f***ing real f***ing gully." - Me when I'm about to watch Fern Gully for the 12th time in a row

No, definitely not THAT kind of gully, I learn. He means the "street" kind of gully. The fist ---> face kind of gully. Disappointing. He's like one of those 300 dudes getting ready for battle. But like, way drunker. And stupider. And possibly genetically a gorilla?

Shirtless Ronnie storms through the house declaring, "I'm going to f*ck him up!" He finds Mike, who has no idea what Ronnie is rumbling and mumbling about in his rageful gorilla tongue. He gets Sammi to translate: "You're like, Ron said he's gonna bring home girls tonight! Remember that?" Mike does not remember that. I do not question this; I doubt Mike ever considers what comes out of his mouth, pre- or post-saying it.

Ron starts to move Mike's bed out of the room (SEE?! Always with the beds!) and Mike loses it now. "I don't get involved in your f*cking relationship, bro! You wanna hit me, tough guy?" Oh, now HE'S moving his OWN bed! I don't know what that means, but I think it means they're both mad. Real mad, you guys. "STAAAAHP!" Sammi screams, helpless and scared but also deep down relishing that she caused this mess because that's the kind of masochistic person she must be to ALWAYS be getting into these situations (ugh, that word is ruined forever) and yet still having NOT A SINGLE CLUE how to handle them. (WATCH THE FIGHT HERE. I posted it earlier today.)

In season 4, Jersey Shore may have morphed from a human study of Eastern coastal Italian-Americans to a human study of humans who literally cannot learn.

Next Week: The fight plays out, and Ronnie punches Mike into the hospital. Sammi gets mad that, after Mike leaves in a stretcher, JWoww is trying to talk down Ronnie's fists -- that's Sammi's job! SHE wants to attempt and miserably fail at that job! By scream-cry-pleading with Ronnie in his moment of pure fury to "just accept that!" Just accept what, you ask? We'll have to wait until Sunday to find out. That's right. Don't forget that the next new episode airs this Sunday at 7pm before the VMAs. But until then...

What did you think of tonight's big fights? Deena vs. Pauly and Vinny? Ronnie vs. Sammi? And the final brawl: Ronnie vs. Mike?


(Images courtesy of MTV)

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