We pick up on episode 4 where we left off last week: Ronnie left Sammi, who hoped he'd stay home and snuggle, so he could go out to the club with the boys (and Angelina). So now Ron is drunk in the club and asking even drunker girls for their numbers while they literally fall all over him. Meanwhile, back at home, Sammi is prodding JWoww and Snooki for any information they might have about Ron's club creepin'.
Oh, great. More Ronnie and Sammi drama! Because the world definitely needs to see these two run endless laps around the co-dependent misery track. Ron and Sam's relationship: No stone [of excruciating self-sabotaging idiocy] left unturned. (You KNOW it's bad when I'd rather watch Vinny scam on girls at the gelato shop than listen to Ron and Sam argue. But anyway. Here we go.)
Sam keeps asking everyone in the house to tell her dirt about Ron, but JWoww and Snooki won't say a word. Clearly Sam knows he's done something wrong if she keeps asking--this is Ron, after all, who defies science by doing only about 10% of his thinking with that steroid-shriveled peanut in his head called his "brain." But no one is willing to be the rat, even though it makes the girls feel guilty to see Sam made into such a "fool." (Because being on this show didn't do the job well enough?)
Snooki, like Shakespeare, is always inventing new words when the old ones can't express her complex emotions: "It's just a big
ball of f***ness. That's a new word: F***ness."
And I Was Like, Emiliooooo!
Jersey Shore is available on Amazon Prime.
Snooki hasn't talked to Emilio for two days, and when
she calls him she can hear that he's at the club. Instead of going
outside to talk to her, he says "There's half naked girls everywhere, so
f*** you," and hangs up. UH OH. Emilio calls back and tells Snooki that
he cheated on her, and then when
she screams at him, says he's just kidding. Either way, she doesn't
care, tells him to go f*** himself and hangs up. Then she screams with the primal rage of that T-Rex at the end of Jurassic Park. It is truly terrifying and spectacular.
Emilio calls back, and can't tell the difference between a JWoww saying she will take the next flight out to Jersey to kick his ass and a voicemail greeting.
"Is this a voice message or is it voice mail?" A stupid question on so many levels that it's like the Inception of stupid questions.
JWoww terminates her outgoing
message: "You're a drunk skank with no job, so get it through your
f***ing head, OK?"
Snooki has a theory about the sociocultural
effect that men's bad behavior has caused: "That's why the lesbian rate is
going up in this country. Because they don't know how to treat girls!" The girls decide to release their rage by breaking plates in the entry way. ("That's why the broken plate rate is going up in this country. Because girls don't know how to treat plates!") Mazel tov, ladies! Next stop: Gaysville.
When the guys get home from the club at 6am, Sam yells at Ron for staying out, he calls her a bitch and she says "I'm done." But Sam doesn't know what the word "done" actually means.
Ron uses his stupidity as an excuse for being an a**hole who doesn't care about anyone but himself: "I don't like tests. That's why I didn't go to college. Don't test me, because I will probably fail most of the time."
They're back together the next morning. What gems!The Curse of the Clumsy Kitchen
The Situation wants to cook a nice Sunday Dinner for his family, but everything keeps going wroooong
! He drops the pasta sauce, and then Snooki almost hits Ron in the face with a champagne cork (if only) and then Sitch drops a bunch of stuff in the fridge.
Oh NO! Is the kitchen ... haunted
Or is it just ... full of cheap appliances and stupid drunk people
Life is Like a Bowl of Awkward Questions About Taking a Dump on a Girl's Chest
BFTTM! (Butterfingers to the MAX!)
After Family Dinner, the gang decides "Let's put sexy clothes on and be f***ing dumbasses" (direct Snooki quote) and play a "bowl of questions" mostly about sex.
Angelina puts on a latex garbage bag ("her luggage from last year" -- Pauly) that doesn't cover her ass. I mean, if not with "family," then when
"I think Victoria should have kept this one a secret!" -- Vinny (HAR HAR)
SHOCKER! The question "Have you ever cheated on your boyfriend or girlfriend?" comes up, and everyone gives Ron this face:
"Everyone's cheated before." - Ron. (The defense rests, your honor!)
Wise Mike knows what Ron should do: "He needs to give up his cookie [Sam] so he can find another one. I'm eating chocolate chip cookies every night, dawg."
"THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!"
Snooki puts on her pink cowboy "thinking hat" so they can decide what to do about Ron and Sam. The girls keep wavering over whether they should just come out and tell
Sam [what she clearly already knows, which is] that Ron has been
cheating on her, but are scared of betraying Ron. They decide to write
her an anonymous letter to describe Ron's public sexploits. Then Angelina farts in Snooki's face because her face is the same height as Angelina's ass.
AN ANONYMOUS LETTER, ladies? To describe activities that only you know and care about, using written words that the boys in the house could never (and would never take the time to try to) spell correctly. Yes, an anonymous letter. That's the ticket! She'll NEVER know it was you. PS: YOU'RE ON TV. Love Means Never Not Making Each Other Miserable
It's time to hit the clubs again, and Situation says it best: "Guess what? Ron and Sam are fighting again. How much can you fight? Every. Day. Sh*t!"
Ron gets wasted, dumps Sam at the club, and Sam says "I'm done." (Again.) She convinces the group to leave Ron alone at the club, but then feels guilty and goes back to look for him. He gets in a cab and when she tries to knock on the window, he tells it to drive off.
Now Sam is REALLY "done." Except not at all. Never. Ron and Sam: Our curse and our burden to bear, as long as we watch this show. Which, obviously. we must, always and forever.B.E.D. Time
Ron takes the cab around the block and gets out at the club B.E.D., where the group has relocated, and in that time he has managed to get so monumentally wasted that it is just, like, bananas. In this state, you wouldn't be wrong if you called him Mr. Mixed Messages:
So Sam takes Ron home because he is like a gigantic infant with no motor skills but super human strength (good concept for a monster movie!) who will f*** or punch or vomit all over whatever next comes into his path. But she also does it because she's madly, stupidly in love with him and wants to prove that he needs her. (See above.)
The next morning after Ron rains vomit and rejoins reality, he and Sam are back together. Sure, they deserve each other. But we don't deserve to have to watch.
The dead eyes: That's how you know it's LOVE.
So, once they're happy together again (for the next 20 minutes or so), now it's time to write that anonymous letter!
JWoww and Snooki go to a "cyber cafe" (those still exist in America?) to type out the super-secret message. "Should we do it in pink font?" Snooki asks. Then she explains that because they use the word "breasts" in the letter, Sam won't know it's them. And of course it's in all caps, like a ransom note.
SORRY YOUR BOYFRIEND'S A WASTE. BOING!
Meanwhile, Sammi interrogates Angelina and says if they know something and don't tell her, she will never consider any of the girls her close friends. Angelina is torn: "What am I gonna be, the drama-starter in this house?" (Well ... yes.)
JWoww and Snooki come home with their letter and decide that if they see Ron hurt Sam again, they will hide it in her room and then wait to see what happens. Angelina doesn't want to get involved, and JWoww threatens to beat her up if she ever tells who wrote the letter.
THE LETTER! Did Jersey Shore
just become a mystery series? (No. But it's fun to pretend.)
To wrap things up, this subtitle is just better out of context, if you ask me:Next Week:
Sam finds the letter, Mike and Pauly try to double-dip skanks on opposite sides of their house, and Snooki yells at Emilio over the phone some more.(Images courtesy of MTV)