How come no one told me that there was a special pre-VMA episode of Jersey Shore
on last night? Oh, you say that MTV did tell me last Thursday evening during Jersey Shore
? But that they prefaced it with the words "VMAs" and "Chelsea Handler," which both set off the irrelevance bells in my brain (DING DONG!), so I automatically tuned it out? Got it. Well, live and learn. Or, in the case of Jersey Shore
cast ... live. No learning allowed.
So last night before Lady Gaga won a million awards for the only music video made this year (zzzzz
) and Taylor Swift performed a redemption song for Kanye West (boohoo, I'm sure), we got a little extra special glimpse into the lives of the Jersey
kids, and guess what? Sometimes their lives are boring. Just as boring as our lives, but made more tragically so by the addition of cuts and an emo-guido soundtrack.
So here's everything interesting that happened on Jersey Shore
last night, complete with photos, because one of the rules of the
Miami Shore is that reading too many words in a row leads to an uncomfortable brain ache called "prolonged thought," which is one of the leading causes of dignity and human decency among young adults ages 24-29. No one wants that.
Jersey Shore is available on Amazon Prime.
So last week we saw what happens when you mix Vinny, Angelina and a fifth of vodka together.
And this week, it's aftermath time ("Math"? What's "math"?), because WHAT ABOUT JOSE? Allow The Situation to explain:
"You have proven an equation that people have been trying to solve for
hundreds of years. That when you are nice to a girl ... you take her on
four dates. You snuggle with the girl. You buy her gifts. She will not
call you. She will play you the f***ing out, and then she will f***
somebody three days later when she's drunk, with somebody that she
hates. [...] Angelina has proven the Ho Equation."
What Professor Situation says is indeed correct: Angelina is terrible, and her behavior is unacceptable. Q.E.D. (That's math-talk for "Duh.") But let's not over-generalize, Sitch. Not all girls are so callous and irresponsible with other people's hearts. Angelina is one extreme. One extreme with a chronic case of "Do stupid things and never apologize for them." If you're surprised, you just don't know her well enough.
The Situation eventually forced Angelina to tell Jose that she hooked up with Vinny, but Jose thinks "hooking up" is just kissing, so he pretty much lets it slide, and Angelina doesn't correct him.
SING IT! "I wear my sunglasses at night ... because my naked eyes would reveal that I'm dead inside.
Vinny's mom, cousins and insane Uncle Nino come to visit. Uncle Nino is an "O.G., original guido," which means he is lascivious, loud and perpetually drunk--or at least his mouth is, because it only pops up from jibberish-ville to say "boing!" when he sees JWoww in a bikini or call Mike "The Sanitation." (Legitimate LOL.)
Uncle Nino: And not a single sh*t was given that day, nor any day for that matter.The end. Until Thursday.
But then, UH OH, a friendly game of hot tub beach ball toss turns ugly when Angelina "accidentally" (Was it accidental?! Mysteries are all around us) hits Snooki in the face with the beach ball. I'm getting season 1 flashbacks.
Snooki wishes Vinny's family wasn't around so she could kill Angelina, but she'll just have to wait until tomorrow--by which point she will sober up and forget what she was so mad in the first place.
Meanwhile, Pauly D hooked up with a girl at 6am while Mike watched and ate an egg sandwich. You know. THE USUAL.
Then Vinny meets a dancer whom he wants to "wine, dine and wife up," so he calls her and asks her out this way: "If you want, my friend Pauly with the spiky hair, we might go to a
little restaurant and then out afterward. He might call some girl, and I
need like a sympathy date, you know what I mean?" 1-800-OMG-YIKES. As he totally bombs the call, we get a solid glimpse at some Jersey Shore cave drawings:
Sammi: Hairbrush and sandwich. Snooki: Poof and booze. JWoww: Boxing gloves and boobs. YUP!
After Pauly and Vinny spend all day buying flowers and KHAKIS for their date (Ha!), Ramonawwww (Because all she says to Vinny's pathetic come-ons is "Awww!) calls back and cancels. Sad Vinny is sad.
GO AWAY CAT! I hate the world.
Vinny climbs out of the depths of despair long enough to call Ramona and guilt her into coming. She says she'll come. But then she doesn't show up. C'mon, Ramona! No need to be such a PEST. (Beverly Cleary joke, check
Now Sad Vinny is the SADDEST. "I thought I woke up in a bad nightmare," he says totally sincerely. His tragically useless flowers lie on the Smash Room bed, where they will wilt like his heart until Mike comes back from the club and finds something sexually disgusting to do with them.
When Mike and Angelina fight over a dirty used sanitary pad. New low? New low.