The clothing company Abercrombie and Fitch is worried that the Jersey Shore cast members, specifically Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, are wearing their clothing too often on the show, and that the association will negatively affect A&F's brand. They're so worried, in fact, that they've offered to pay Mike a "substantial" amount of money not to wear their clothes. This, after they actually released a "Fituation" t-shirt in his (dis)honor!

And they're serious. So serious that they released a statement to convince us what a big deal this is, which reads in part:

"We are deeply concerned that Mr. Sorrentino's association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image. We understand that the show is for entertainment purposes, but believe this association is contrary to the aspirational nature of our brand, and may be distressing to many of our fans. ... We have also extended this offer to other members of the cast, and are urgently waiting a response."

But the thing is: An association with Jersey Shore, and Mike in particular, is IDEAL for the nature of Abercrombie's brand. I've thought a lot about it, and I don't think that Mike should take their bribe. Instead, he should schedule a negotiation, bring to them this 5-point list I came up with, and write me a check after they write him a check and a contract to be their forever-spokesmodel:

1. Mike spends most of his time shirtless or naked. Just like Abercrombie and Fitch's models! And, just like the company's art director, he is obsessed with abs.

2. They both have a history of being offensive. Don't be fooled by their Hamptons facade -- A&F definitely have a little bit of Jersey in them. The company has gotten in trouble for making thong underwear for children, and putting out a line of Asian-themed t-shirts with slogans like, "Wong Brothers Laundry Service: Two Wongs Can Make It White." They later apologized, though they thought both products were lighthearted and cute, not tasteless and racist. Mike too has trouble making such distinctions with the things that come out of his mouth.

3. The Situation prefers the cover of darkness. Most of The Situation's most important activities (fist-pumping, smushing, watching Pauly smush while eating a sandwich) occur in the dark. This is so girls don't know how leathery and weathered his face actually is until it's too late. (Trust me, I have seen said face in person, under bright lighting. His skin looked like a petrified orange peel.) Similarly, Abercrombie and Fitch keep their stores so dark that bats could live in there. That way, you don't actually know how bad that $100 micro-skirt made out of three sheets of Kleenex looks on you until you're out of the store.

4. They both pretend to spend a lot of time at the beach. The show is called Jersey SHORE, and yet we have almost never seen Mike spend any time on the beach, unless you count brief moments when he ventures out into the sand long enough to find a willing bikini to bring home. Abercrombie stores strap never-used canoes to the ceiling and name their $98 sweaters things like "Newcomb Lake," the price tag ensuring that you'll never want to wear your fancy new sweater anywhere near an actual lake.

5. They both don't know how old they are. Abercrombie and Fitch claims that their clothing is made for people ages 18-22 (or so my Googling says). But I personally don't know anyone who's bought anything from the store since they were, oh, 14 or 15. Maybe because the store's clothing is sized for tweens. Maybe because that's the age when you read The Scarlet Letter and suddenly grow out of wanting to throw down a Benjamin to walk around with a giant "A" on your chest. Not only is Mike, at an ancient 29, too old for Abercrombie's claimed target age demo, but that philosophy extends to the rest of his life as well: his show is on a network for teens, he loves those college girls and, in almost every way general and specific, he acts like a child. If anyone is poised to understand and embrace The Situation's youthful mentality, isn't it the store currently marketing a $60 low-cut, spaghetti-strapped negligee camisole in their "KIDS" department?

The next episode of Jersey Shore in Italy airs tomorrow night, Thursday August 18, at 10pm on MTV. If you see Mike in any Abercrombie gear during the hour, do Abercrombie a favor and try not to think less of them -- less than you now do after seeing their children's lingerie section, that is.

(Image courtesy of MTV)