I Love New York

It's down to Buddha and Tailor Made as we head into the season finale of I Love New York 2.  Will New York find true love?  Will she reveal she's pregnant with Chance's baby?  Will Buddha beat the crap out of Tailor Made?  Will Sister Patterson pull a South Park-ian twist and reveal she's actually New York's dad in drag?  Most likely, the answer is: New York chooses a guy he accepts, she pretends she's in love, and in a week or a month, they break up, and in six months, we're back at the circus for I Love New York 3.

The longest "previously on" package ever hits all the season's highlights.  Midget Mac's turtle raft popping.  The Entertainer sticking New York's foot in his mouth.  The spitting incident, redux.  It makes me sad that these are considered "highlights."

The gang heads to Jamaica.  The episode is called "Rasta Finale," and I'm surprised they had the restraint not to go with "Jamaican Me Crazy."  Then again, I'll assume no one involved in this show was smart enough to come up with such a simple pun.  Their first night, the three have dinner together.  As always, New York prepares with a pre-meal cigarette.  She wants to mesh the two men together, because Buddha is sexy, but Tailor Made is rich, yet much to her chagrin, God won't let her do it.  I suspect the phone call went a bit like this:

New York: Yo God, can I mesh these two guys up?

God: Who is this?

New York: It's New York.  Do you have love for me?

God: I have love for all my children.  But no.  I do not have love for you. (He hangs up the phone.)

Buddha is getting into New York's head and confusing her, which isn't as difficult as she makes it sound.  Shiny objects could have the same effect.  He explains that he's a better choice because Tailor Made is a total wimp who would be submissive to her.  That's a dangerous strategy, because a submissive mate is exactly what she wants.  Tailor Made paraphrases Jerry Maguire to no avail.  After dinner, Tailor Made takes her aside because he wants to give her a special gift.  She hopes he wrapped a bow around it, and sadly, we all know what "it" means, and I'm not talking about the former contestant on this show.  Tailor Made has an empty box for her, because he doesn't have a present, but just wanted some private time with her.  Two hours pass, and Buddha wonders where Tailor Made is, and he's furious he stole a night with her.

Each man will get 24 hours with New York, and Buddha is up first.  He's looking forward to getting the chance to hump her.   It's too hot outside, so she wants to stay inside and drink vodka and cranberry juice.  I'm confused, because that sounds exactly like something I'd want to do.  They arrive at a plantation, and New York has no interest in picking cotton.  They're going horseback riding, but New York is terrified of them, and Buddha is already tired of her fake-ass drama, but he eventually calms her insane fear of horses.

Back at the hotel, Tailor Made is upset and he "screams" into a pillow.  But his scream sounds more like a mangy female cat in heat.  Then he starts crying, calling out New York's name, and praying to God.  To answer his prayers, Sister Patterson arrives, cigarette dangling between her fingers.  She is behind Tailor Made all the way and gives him a pep talk, which involves her slapping him across the face.  It's more surreal than it sounds.

At night, Buddha and New York have dinner on the ocean while fire throwers practice their craft nearby.  Please let a stray spark land on her weave.  New York questions how he can love her when he says it's impossible to love someone in three weeks.  He talks about the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.  She's confused and gets angry at him, because she's mentally retarded.   He says he doesn't love her because there's no trust.  He tries to call her out on her wrongs, and she's offended by that.  See, she wants a submissive man who plays into the delusion that she has no flaws.

It's frustrating, because Buddha is 100 percent right and New York is 100 percent wrong, which begs the question: why are we watching a dating show about someone so deluded that it's impossible for her to make the right decision because, in her mind, right is wrong and wrong is right.   I'm not sure whether we blame the parents,  the doctors, or Canada.

At night, they're kissing by the ocean and he says he loves her, and she wants to make love to him.  Buddha walks into the hotel room the next morning and Tailor Made is once again on his knees, praying, promising to tithe 10 percent of his salary to the church.  They swap off, and now it's Tailor Made's day.  First they go to a cafe where they watch cliff divers.  New York will never do that, but Tailor Made goes up for the jump.  He jumps, and even though he fell into the water, I think it made New York wetter than him, if you know what I mean ... you know, because of the splash.  What did you think I meant?

At dinner, Tailor Made pulls out a ring and proposes to her.  As in marriage.  She's confused and happy, then has some bad flashbacks to when Tango proposed, then broke it off in the first season.  Then she comes to a realization: Tailor Made is still legally married.  She begins to think he's a serial faller-in-love.  She walks away to collect her thought, and Tailor Made is left in a state of euphoria, which almost causes him to cry again.

The next morning, Tailor Made wonders if he scared her off by acting too fast, but overall, he's optimistic that, while she didn't say yes, she also didn't say no.  New York, meanwhile, goes on a stroll along the beach to think about her choice.  At night, the two men and New York arrive at what looks like Tribal Council.  New York thanks her mom for standing by her through this ordeal again.  Sister Patterson speaks, saying one deserves to be there and one does not.  New York is pretty clear with her decision and promises not to give a long drawn out speech.  Then she does just that.

The paradox that is New York claims she wants Tailor Made to have more of a backbone.  No honey, that's not what you want.  As proof, Buddha, who is all backbone.  New York pulls out the engagement ring Tailor Made gave her.  She asks Buddha if he's in love with her, and as much as he wants to say no, he is.  Then she drops the bomb that the ring is from Tailor Made.  She asks if Tailor Made still wants to marry her, and he says yes, but she turns down his proposal.

New York loves Buddha, but she's not in love with him.  She is in love with Tailor Made.  So Tailor Made is the winner of I Love New York 2.  Buddha finally realizes that it never would have worked with her.  She promises that they'll work together and in 24 months, they can get married.

I'll see you all back here on January 6 for the I Love New York 2 reunion special to find out whether these two crazy cats are still together, and to see what happens when The Entertainer's mom and Sister Patterson cross paths once again.


-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of VH1)