It's almost impossible to find fault with
I Love Money, VH1's latest foray into the world of pseudo-celebreality. This isn't to say it's not another deplorable, offensive entry in the genre – it totally is. But from the title alone, you know exactly what you're getting. Many contestants from
Flavor of Love,
I Love New York and
Rock of Love have been accused of only appearing on the shows for fame.
I Love Money embraces that shamelessness and indulges in the fact that these people just want fame and fortune.
The premiere of
I Love Money begins with the 17 rejects on a boat heading to their Mexican island where they will compete in a series of challenges until one person walks away with $250,000. The first unofficial challenge is getting off the boat without getting wet. Many fail, and
Midget Mac once again reminds us that he's terrified of drowning, so
12 Pack carries him off. They meet up with host Craig J. Jackson who tells them they're competing for something more valuable than the love of
Flavor Flav, Tiffany Pollard or
Bret Michaels: a quarter of a million dollars. It's about time someone put a price tag on love, but I think that's being a bit generous. One hundred dollars and a bus pass would be more valuable than winning “love” with any of them.
Since I haven't seen half the seasons these contestants came from,
I Love Money is helpful enough o give us the quick rundowns on everyone as they divide into cliques in the house. 12 Pack and
Heat bonded and created a male party service (a fancy term for a self-employed stripper business). They get in a room with
Rock of Love hotties
Heather Chadwell and
Destiney Moore to form what they deem the “hot, sexy orgy room.”
Real,
Chance and
Whiteboy are united, as are
Pumkin and
Toastee.
Brandi C. and
Megan Hauserman (who brought her pet Chihuahua) bond over their mutual Barbie-ness, and poor
Mr. Boston (also known as the mentally retarded long lost Kennedy relative) is left all alone.
The 17 are each asked what they would do with the money. Heather would get that stupid
Rock of Love tattoo on the back of her neck removed.
The Entertainer would finally move out of his parents' basement so he doesn't have to commit suicide. Megan would adopt more mentally retarded dogs (no joke, she actually wants to raise awareness for the mental retardation of canines). Midget Mac keeps it real, saying $50,000 would go to strippers. I appreciate the honesty.
The contestants will be divided into two teams of eight, so someone is going home. To decide, they will pick teams, and to determine team captains, their first competition involves grabbing the most cash from a money booth. Everyone is handed a black bikini to wear for the challenge. Midget Mac refuses and doesn't compete. Brandi C. and Megan break the sole rule of not grabbing money off the floor and get disqualified. Chance refuses to remove his bandanna and is disqualified. The Entertainer is extremely attracted to
Rodeo, which makes me throw up a little in my mouth.
Mr. Boston stuffs his bikini bottom with a lot of toilet paper because, as he admits, he's not that big down there. But to make room for the cash, he unstuffs just before entering the booth. While removing the wads of cash from his bikini, a little something accidentally slips out, which could be his strategy of nauseating all the other competitors into submission.
Hoopz and Whiteboy are the top two, so they will pick the teams. This leads to plenty of sucking up to both of them. Mr. Boston appeals to the common Jewish faith between him and Whiteboy while Megan uses her greatest asset: her ability to make men stupid with her sexiness. Meanwhile, Brandi C. is creeped out that Mr. Boston is sleeping in the same room as her and Megan. In fact, she calls him, “Creepy Creeperton, Creepy Creeptastic, Creepy Creepy.” There's a good chance Mr. Boston is my new favorite TV character.
I Love Money Elimination Time! For the first six, Hoopz chooses, in her order of preference: Rodeo, 12 Pack, The Entertainer, Heather, Toastee and Pumkin. Whiteboy chooses, in his order of preference: Chance, Real, Mr. Boston, Heat, Destiney, and Megan. Heat is reluctant to join the team without his boy 12 Pack, and Mr. Boston hilariously informs us that “Jews always stick together, especially on
I Love Money.” God bless the Jews and their sense of humor.
It comes down to the final three and Hoopz chooses Nibblz because she does 10 pretty decent push-ups to impress the captains while Brandi C. sprains her ankle doing her push-ups. All four
Flavor of Love girls are on the same team. Whiteboy goes for Brandi C., meaning, of course, Midget Mac is gone. That’s a bit of a no-brainer. Who wants an angry midget who doesn’t compete on their team?
This season on
I Love Money: Lots and lots of screaming, fighting, scheming and hook-ups. It's like reality TV Heaven.
Who will win I Love Money?
-John Kubicek, BuddyTV Senior Writer
(Image courtesy of VH1)