Tonight on Gossip Girl: It's the guest-star-apolooza episode! Anyone out there who had the foresight and rare Monday night sense of whimsy to play a "drink every time you see a guest star" game while they watched should now be very drunk, indeed. If you also drank every time Lily talked sense at Serena while Serena pouted like a little baby about what a big girl she is, I doubt you're here, because you no longer have the brain cells necessary to read words.

Anyhoo, here's what went down during "Dan de Fleurette," which is a fittingly feminine term for Lonely Boy, don't you think?

To start us off, we got an almost full dose of Jenny and Eric. Finally! It's the first day at Constance, and Jenny is determined to usher in a new era of fairness and non-hierarchy.

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Gossip Girl 3.04 "Dan de Fleurette": Best and Worst Quotes and Moments

But, like anorexic moths to an uptown martini bar that doesn't ID, her minions gather regardless, ready to enact her will. Jenny is disgusted with their subservient suck-uppery. "Go wash your eyes!" she tells her wannabes for their lame attempt at her patented post-coke-binge smokey shadow look. And: "Tell EVERYONE I need to talk to them right now." Sorry, non-Queen, but those sound like royal orders to me. As they also do to Eric, who is just tickled pink that J is so deep in denial, and who is also so cute with his school uniform and non-bleached tips that I wish I could tickle him myself.

Jenny lectures the female student body of Constance about a new reign of freedom and equality while literally talking down to all of them. The girls all clap.
 
Eric claps too, because he sees the physical irony of this situation, and possesses that inherent deep, sick enjoyment in seeing your friends delude and embarrass themselves that all girls and gays just naturally possess. And this one is a schadenfreude-y doozy.

Meanwhile, Blair and Serena have problems. Growing up is hard. Blair went out seeking the "Masters of the Universe" club only to find out they were just a bunch of (as oxymoronic as this sounds) role-playing virgins. Still distraught about not fitting in at NYU, she is delighted to get a text from "Celeste," one of Jenny's new minions, asking for her help. Blair rushes to Constance and quells the revolution by replacing the Jenny-alikes' faux leather jackets with monogrammed headbands, their black rosaries and cross necklaces with ruffles and pearls. All character development on this show is communicated via wardrobe, in case you didn't pick that up yet.

Rufus helped Serena practice telling Lily that she's not going to Brown by doing his best impression of his terrible, humorless wife:

But when Serena actually had to do the deed 5 minutes later, it didn't go as well as dear old step-dad had role-played with his many wordless sighs and squints.

Lily is a Magic Eight Ball of logic and legitimate motherly sense when she gets back from "visiting Cece," telling S that "finding yourself" is not a reason to defer college, because you go to college to find yourself and figure it out, and , oh hey, wasn't that what her whole summer in Europe was about, "finding herself"? S replies, "If it takes me getting a job for you to believe that I'm serious [about getting a job?], then I'll do it." Because, of course, that's the only reason Serena would ever want to get a job. To show up Lily.

Dan lost his fancy nouveau-riche wallet, so a random girl named "Kate" buys his coffee, and they get to talking, but he doesn't ask her out, even though they both share an insatiable love of KNOWLEDGE! Later, while helping Nate learn to read more better, "Kate" walks into the coffee shop and sits down. Nate recognizes her super-famous face from Endless Knights, a series of medieval vampire movies that, if they ever truly existed, might just signal the end of civilization as we know it. Dan doesn't know that Kate is actually Olivia Burke, too busy has he been residing under rocks with his leather-bound Proust collection. Nate doesn't tell Dan who she is, and insists that he go ask the girl out. Kate likes Dan, especially because he has no idea she's famous, so they are going to date now. Nate can't believe what incredible "game" Dan has and is like "OMG! Unbelievable." Classic Dan!

Aaand, that's the last we see of Nate. He is officially on a relevance time-out.

Dan and Olivia get pizza, bu she discovers that Dan, still clueless to her identity, wants a relaxed relationship with a "refreshingly normal" girl, so she leaves, and they are not going to date now.

Vanessa finds out that she is rooming with Olivia, whose publicist goes by the name of "KC" because her real name, Bossy McBlackheart, didn't look so good on her fancy publicist business cards. Vanessa can't believe that she's living with Olivia Burke, and Olivia's face and hat are like, "I'm so sorry and embarrassed that I am famous!"

Bossy McBlackheart gave the whole dorm confidentiality waivers because Olivia is living there, and Olivia is peeeeeved. She just wants to be a normal student! She also has to go on Larry King tonight, and you know how stressful that can be. (What if he asks her what is in her grocery bags?)

"I WILL NOT CALM DOWN!" whines the famous medieval vampire movie actress. Bossy McBlackheart can't wrangle the wild mare that is Olivia's enraged ego, but just before she turns into the Hulk, Serena overhears their fight and tells Olivia how to slip out the back of the restaurant to avoid the paparazzi (Step One: Go through the kitchen. Step Two: Slip out the back.) KC Masterbitch is impressed with Serena's celebutante skills ("You're like the diva whisperer." Woof.) and offers her a job as a publicist.

While Blair is pathetically planning her annual Waldorf sleepover with the high schoolers she stole out from under Jenny, Serena meets Tyra Banks, who is "playing the role" of Ursula, who is starring across Olivia in their new WWII movie, Fleur.

There are a couple of things you need to know about Ursula. First, the resemblance to everyone's favorite Ursula simply cannot be a coincidence. (Both have delusions of grandeur. Both put on human disguises to trick a skinny young girl in a low-cut top. Only one of them can sing.)

Second, Tyra's character (whom we shall call "Tysula") operates on a strict mood-o-meter, where the height and volume of her hair indicate how crazy she is currently being. See:

The movie is about Josephine Baker in the French Resistance during WWII, and the premiere is tonight! Tysula tells Serena (who is her new BFF now, check out the hair) that the scene where she distracts the Nazis with her singing is the "best work she's ever done."

When Dan calls Vanessa to complain about getting dumped (after a day), Vanessa invites him to the premiere, because Dr. Bossy McBlackheart (with her PhD in Brilliant PR moves) gave all the girls in Olivia's dorm invitations. Chuck finds out that Blair is living in the past and ditching the premiere, so he devises a plan to snap her out of it by using her invitation to take Jenny Humphrey to the premiere. And Rufus tricks Lily into going, so now everyone will be there!

At the Fleur premiere...

Dan runs into "Kate," whom he finally discovers is Olivia, and accuses her of lying about not wanting to date him (and her identity), so they are really not going to date now.

Lily learns that Serena is a publicist, and keeps breathing down Serena's neck with all her party-pooper logic about how premieres aren't as educational as college. To top it off, Serena knows that Tysula's favorite scene got cut from the film, but KC forced her not to tell her. When she finds out during the movie, Tysula runs to the bathroom, sobbing, and Serena finds out that Bossy McBlackheart orchestrated the whole thing so Tysula would flip out and make headlines.

Blair's sleepover is going well until everyone gets a text from Gossip Girl saying that Blair's boyfriend and her royal enemy are on a date at the movie premiere. Blair books it down there in her best Charlie Brown costume (to symbolize what a big loser she is).

She is about to yank out Jenny's fake hair when Chuck reveals that he tricked her to make the point that she shouldn't give up on NYU. Blair says "it's over" for her at NYU, and Chuck is insulted and disgusted that she thinks it is harder to win over "a bunch of pseudo-intellectual, homesick malcontents" than it was for her to win over Chuck Bass. "You'd really insult me like this?" he demands, and storms off. Um... is that a dick thing to say? I can't tell if he's being serious. I think it's supposed to be tough-love inspirational.

After the movie, Olivia apologizes to Dan for lying. She only did it because she wanted to be a normal NYU student like everyone else. Dan is wary to date a celebrity because after his last two "relationships" he ain't want no drama, so it appears these two are really not going to date. Seriously, there are just too many obstacles, you know?

Serena and Bossy McBlackheart comfort Tysula about her cut scene. KC says she should throw a tantrum for the press, but Serena says she should be gracious if she wants to be taken seriously as an actress. Tysula thanks Serena, and KC is all, "How dare you say what you think is right. You're fired." That's show business for ya!

A photographer outside the premiere recognizes Blair and wants to take her picture, so her elite existence is purposeful and valid once again. Later we learn that Chuck hired the guy because "Dumbo could always fly, he just needed a magic feather."

The next day...

Serena moves out of Lily's to "find herself" some more, and Lily blames Rufus. Tysula gets Serena her job back and thanks her for being the best friend/short-term publicist ever.

Vanessa gets reeeal with her roomie Olivia, counseling her to give Dan a shot at getting to know both sides of herself. V vaguely compares their situation to hers with the self-hiding Scott (though at first I thought she was talking about Nate, because barf, are we really still hung up on Scott?). Speaking of Scott, Vanessa called him, but he blew her off to hang out with Georgina. We don't know why.

Olivia goes back to Dan and asks if he is willing to get it a shot, so, SURPRISE, they are going to date now. I bet you didn't see that coming at all. And I bet it will end so well.

Blair decides to start a club of non-Ivy Mean Girls at NYU, and she already has three recruits. Two of them are either twins or advanced cyborgs programmed to act like debutantes:

And one Asian, because there has to be an Asian. Where would Blair be without Nelly Yuki? Chuck also sent Blair a kinky school girl uniform so she can play out her Constance nostalgia on top of him instead of over Jenny's head.

And, speaking of Jenny, she has succumbed to the temptation and corruption of absolute power. Because who wouldn't rather have spineless minions than real friends? As her first order, the Queen demands yogurt, and her low-fat wish is their mixed berry demand.

Next week on Gossip Girl: Rufus and Lily will get married, maybe! And the parade of guest stars will keep on keepin' on with Sonic Youth, who are awesome and, to be honest, a bit too bad ass for this show. But I'm not complaining, promise. At least Tyra was only in one episode, right?



-Meghan Carlson, BuddyTV Staff Writer
Images courtesy of the CW