Chuck confronts Blair about Nate but she says they’re purely platonic. He says it’s true that they don’t have a spark, and Blair scoffs, saying she and Nate do have spark. She’s just exhausted after her drama with Chuck, and maybe something easy is what she needs. He asks, if that’s the case, why Nate still hasn’t broken things off with Vanessa.
Rufus worries about being poor to Lily, and she offers to help him out because she’s so rich from her dead husband(s). He says no and that he’ll work something out . Lily asks if he could sell his loft, and offers to let them move in with her. It’s a big step, but “there’s only one way to find out” if they’re ready. She tells him to talk to a realtor and see what they say. Because the housing market is just so super right now.
Blair and Nate walk along a park path, and Blair compares Nate to Brad Pitt. She thinks Vanessa is Jennifer Aniston, and she is Angelina Jolie. She thinks they need to “embrace their fate” as a couple. Nate says he needs to talk to Vanessa, and he’ll come straight over after he breaks up with her.
Poppy, Jenny and Serena meet at a boutique. They want her to have her dream dress for her birthday. J sees a gorgeous, glittery number, but says she’s not having that kind of party. She picks out a drab black dress and goes to try it on. Poppy tellss Serena she is more boring than she should be, and Serena asks for help about how to be interesting. Poppy says Jenny doesn’t know what she wants, so they should ignore what she says and throw a party. J returns, and they tell her to try on the pretty dress. Serena and Poppy, ever renowned for being masters of logic, decide that since Jenny likes the pretty dress, she definitely wants a huge birthday party full of people she doesn’t know and who don’t like her. So Serena calls the caterer and orders way more food than she originally planned.
Vanessa and Nate meet up for dinner, and Nate breaks up with her before she can even sit down. She wants to try to make it work, but he wants to give up. V asks if there’s someone else, and he says, “it’s not about someone else,” which means yes.
Over at the Waldorf manor, Blair wonders why Nate isn’t back, and Dorota imagines an elaborate break-up scenario out of a soap opera. Nate shows up and tells Blair they broke up, but it’s getting late, so he wants to go home, and they can hang out later in the week.
He kisses her on the forehead and leaves. Blair worries to Dorota that, like Chuck said, they don’t have passion—because 20 minutes is plenty of time to heal after breaking up with your longtime girlfriend? I guess, when it’s Vanessa. Speaking of V, she goes to see a silk robe clad Chuck, and they decide not to let Nate and Blair make fools of them any longer.
Over at the Humphreys, as they get ready to head over to the VDWs for Jenny’s party, Dan answers the phone. It’s the realtor and, thinking Dan is Rufus, she asks when he’s free to appraise the loft. Dan says he’ll call back and hangs up. They head over to the party with what looks like the recipe for the PERFECT BIRTHDAY: a huge metal pot of chili, a bag of wheat dinner rolls, and, count ‘em, EIGHT board games: Sequence, Apples to Apples, Scattergories, Connect 4, Monopoly, Cranium WOW, Operation, and Hungry Hungry Hippos. ALL IN ONE NIGHT?! Oh, Humphreys. You’re crazy-go-nuts. Extra points for the nostalgia.
Dan and Jenny slip past doorman, who is reading Ann Coulter because of his love affair with Dorota, who told him it’s “important to know your enemy.” Even though that was random, any jab at Ann Coulter is okay by me. Jenny is happy that it’s “going really good” for the Humphreys right now. (And the writer in Dan doesn’t correct her grammar? That’s brotherly love.)
Dan tells Jenny that it sounds like they may be soon “movin’ on up to the east side,” and she thinks A. he’s wrong, and B. he watches too many old sit-coms on Hulu. (And I think that A. That’s sad for Dan, and B. The Jeffersons isn’t available on Hulu. It’s on TV Land. I’ve checked.)
Serena’s on the phone with B as they prepare for the party. Serena asks Blair how she knows so much about Nate and Vanessa’s breakup, and Blair says they’ve been spending a lot of time together—because it’s their “destiny” to be together. Serena worries that Blair’s only requirement right now is not-Chuck, but she’s happy if B is, especially since Nate means no drama. Blair insists that they do have passion and drama and sparks and fireworks and other types of violent explosions.
Dan and Jenny walk in and see the massive party going on. Even Penelope canceled hers when she heard that Poppy was behind the new-and-improved “soiree.” The Plastics congratulate Jenny on “rising from her social grave,” but she laments that she dug the grave and was happy to lie in it. She confronts Serena, who is offended that Jenny doesn’t like the party that she explicitly said she would not like. Everyone is there for Jenny! They all love her. The professional photographer who follows Poppy around looks at Serena: “It’s a birthday?” Eric tells Jenny that Serena probably wanted to prove to everyone that she could still throw a great party. A pissed off Little J decides that if S wants a party, she’ll get one: she sends a blast to GG saying there’s a rager at the VDWs, and all are welcome.
Chuck and Vanessa show up, wondering what plan will work to break up Nate and Vanessa. Vanessa rejects his “leaked Chuck and Vanessa sex tape,” but when they walk in and see that Nate and Blair are there, Vanessa grabs Chuck and makes out with him. And Nate and Blair see and are extremely upset, because they think this is for real. Because they’re not entirely transparent. Except that they are.
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