'Gossip Girl' Wrap-Up: Chuck Has a Bart Attack While Serena Has a Smart Attack
'Gossip Girl' Wrap-Up: Chuck Has a Bart Attack While Serena Has a Smart Attack
Meghan Carlson
Meghan Carlson
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
Tonight on Gossip Girl: DADDY ISSUES!!!

More extended plot summary: Chuck is haunted (mentally, but all too literally for our eyes) by his father, Bart, and his rigid expectations on the anniversary of Bart's death. Lily sends Rufus to her building co-op meeting, where he meets a pretty lady who accuses him of being a trophy husband. [Editor's note: Some trophy. Where'd you win that, the '86 Dumbo Dad Awards? OH YEAH!] Maureen blackmails Serena with the letter from HER real daddy, saying she better stay the "Marilyn" to Maureen's "Jackie" if she doesn't want Rufus to find out that Lily was in a hotel room with Serena's father. [So THAT'S what the letter said!]

Jenny is a drug dealer now. [Anyone who's seen how she dresses knows that there MUST be some latent daddy issues rolling around in there causing so many terrible decisions, but they've never been mentioned as a cause of this newfound stupidity, per se.]

Meanwhile, Nate loves Serena almost as much as he loves doling out sage advice, and tries to convince her that Trip is a douche while also convincing Dan to go for it with Vanessa. Then Serena gets in a car crash with Trip, and the hit to the head makes her finally realize that Trip is a grade-A Congressional moron. Dan strikes out with V, big surprise.

ALSO: is Chuck's mother... ALIVE? Survey says YES!

Is this a daytime soap opera now? Survey says PRETTY F***ING CLOSE!

After the jump: the winners, losers and burning questions from "The Debarted."

But first, a fun fact: "The Debarted" was a Simpsons episode title last season. Which is even funnier if you've ever seen the Southpark episode, "The Simpsons Already Did It." Wocka wocka wocka!

Best of the Episode:

Bart Bass, the Ghost of Christmas Suck. Girls around the nation surely watched in horror as Chuck pushed away Blair in favor of his dead father's bone-crushing philosophy on life and business, but then rejoiced that the return of Bart as evil Jiminy Cricket served only to usher in a Chuck even MORE suited to their [wet] dreams: a Chuck who realizes that real men have... real feelings! I was stoked to see Bart back, because he always got deliciously harsh lines when he was alive, and he's even better as a vision: in Chuck's psyche, he's boiled down to his own hard-boiled lessons: Girlfriends are for wimps! Punch every puppy! Kick out the poor and build lofts to the moon! "Ho, ho, homeless!" Awesome. Bart's nowhere near the Upper East Side. We all know in which cardinal direction he's burning for eternity.

Nate, Professor of Advice at Normal Dude University. Is "New Nate" your new favorite or what? Looks like someone threw in a pair of smarty pants with his high school diploma. Punching douchebags! Giving bored people his weed! Getting his friends some "crazy actress" action! He's so reasonable and loyal, I almost forget what show I'm watching sometimes. It would be nice if we could officially deem him the lone voice of feet-on-the-ground wisdom on a show full of self-involved, self-defeating rich kids, except... he loves Serena. Well, nobody's perfect. He'll learn his lesson the hard way, I'm sure.

Jenny "sad old drug pusher" Humpty-Dumpty Humphrey. It's about TIME! We were all waiting for this to happen, you know it. Jenny just got interesting. Now is the time to place your bets for the amount of time it will take Gossip Girl to send Little J to rehab. Just think about the possibilities! And you thought she wore a lot of eyeliner and looked deathly skinny BEFORE.

Best Quotes:

Blair: A. Gross, and B. Really?

Serena: I've risked everything to be with Trip. [Here, "everything" means lack of education, job, or reputation. As in: "nothing."]

Nate: He's a douche.

Bart (in Chuck's head): Ho, ho, homeless.
Bart: If you're soft, you're soft. and well, lets face it, you're soft. ... I love you too.

Nate: Ever read The Old Man and The Sea?
Serena: I prefer Fitzgerald to Hemingway. [HAHA, RIGHT!]

Maureen: And you get whatever it is you're getting. Screwed, i think they call it.

Serena, in the hospital: Nice outfit.
Blair, in her pajamas: You too.

Blair to Chuck: You're strong. You carry people. You carry me. You're becoming a man in a way that your father never was.

Worst of the Episode:

Trip "ChappaquidDICK" van der Bilt. No wonder the Twilight wolves tried to orchestrate his demise.

Lily "Let's put flowers on my dead husband's grave on the anniversary of his death. Oops, JK, gotta go be ineffectual about my mistakes some more!" van der Humpwood...sen. Terrible liar, terrible at marriage, but looks good in just about everything. And that last one is the only thing she ever seems to be actively working on.

Willa "There's a difference between porn and 'naked performance art,' and that difference is that no one WANTS to see me naked" Whatever-her-last-name-is. That about covers it.

Burning questions:

  • Will we ever see Trip again--and if we do, will he be stalking Serena, sending her semi-romantic/semi-threatening text messages, and using creepy, disturbingly superlative language about his eternal love for her bosom?
  • Will it be the best episode ever if he does?
  • Why has Chuck's mother denied his existence for so long?
  • How long will it take for Jenny to try the coke she's currently whoring?
  • How long will it take for Eric to find out and stage an intervention?
  • How long will it take for Vanessa to admit she loves Dan?
  • How long will it take for Serena to admit she loves Nate?
  • How long will it take for Rufus to start boning the co-op lady?
  • How long will it take for us to forget everything that happened during this episode, since Gossip Girl isn't coming back for several weeks?