Don't get me wrong: that was a good episode, Gossip Girl!
Full of Blair-power, Chuck-heroism, and Dan-doofusness! Plus, Nate basically became a genius therapist, and that's fun, because everytime I think you can't top the last thing that made no sense, you do it! You top it, with something that makes even LESS than ZERO sense! It sounds mathematically impossible, but you manage it, every time. You also put Serena in shoulder pads, and made Rufus say "gonorhhea"! You even gave me Lady Gaga. So: Bravo, Gossip Girl
! A truly momentous episode.
But it really was full of bad, BAAAAD romances.
Dan and Vanessa? Been there, barfed that. But I guess... they work.
Serena and Tripp? In the sense that I can't decide who is a bigger hypocrite, I guess they work, too.
Blair and the uppity, ugly theater kids?
B, you're better than that. Conquering the school is not worth keeping the company of those who would insult the amazing Cyrus Rose. Wake up and save your Gaga-favors for the truly worthy!
What else was good, bad and ugly about tonight's Gossip Girl
, episode 3.10, "The Last Days of Disco Stick"? Let's get down to it, faster than Damien's drug-dealing hand to Jenny's royal crotch-al region.
Dan's Snow White/Lady Gaga allegory.
Admit it: it was pretty clever! And some of the lines were actually funny
. Unfortunately, we were led to believe that the Cabaret audience only cracked up at the entirely unfunny "Dwarf Boy Band," which was inexplicably, and terribly, played by a bunch of girls. Nate counseling Dan about the rules of threesomes.
His credentials: ""I know things, I've been to Europe, Chuck Bass is my best friend." And he knows the "stages"--or at least stage 1, in which both girls try to prove "who you belong to." Nate knows things! And he says funny things! I like this Nate. I wish he wasn't the same guy who does stupid things, like fall in love with Serena.Lady Gaga's performance.
Duuuuuh! Ladders, a 30-foot train, nipple tape, crazy eyes... what else could you ask for? There's no way Morrisey has ever put on that type of a show, even when we were in 7th grade. (No, you're right: who sees Morrisey when they're in 7th grade?!)
Blair: Ugh, I don't converse with liars or Lewinskys.
Rufus: What is gonorrhea of the throat?
Olivia: I guess being a movie star has a certain cache.
Blair: I may have read that at the dentist.
Nate: Love triangles, affairs with married people... it just so happens everyone's problems are well within my areas of expertise.
Damien: What does an Upper East Side queen do? Wear designer clothes and boss people around?
Jenny: No. Go to parties, and openings, and stuff.
Damien: Where you wear designer clothes and boss people around.
Blair: What is going on? Did you bozos have a threesome?
Serena: I can control myself if you can. [SO UNTRUE!]
Chuck: I'm Chuck Bass. Even Europeans should know what that means.
Blair: They used to play cards together. Who do you think was the inspiration for "Poker Face"?The Episode's Worsts:
Alright, you slutty pain in the ass, you're losing me--really
losing me--with your b.s. "blurry line" justification in sleeping with a married man. A married CONGRESSman. And I'm not the only one you're losing. So STOP metaphorically slapping your smarter, more self-controlled friends in the face after you explicitly ask for their help and promise to follow their leads. That's right: Nate is SMARTER than you. If that's not immediate motivation to check yourself into sex rehab, I don't know what is. And if I ever again hear you tell someone, "I thought I could count on you," when you really mean "I thought I could count on you... to tell me exactly what I want to hear with my stupid, selfish ears," I will rip them off. Along with your shoulder-pads. HOME WRECKER. Go to college already.Hilary Duff's acting and singing skills.
Those are still the two main points on her resume, right? Because... yikes. Or was Hilary instructed to act unconvincingly and sing dying-cat-ingly as a comment on Olivia's "movie star" caliber? If so, and Bitches of Eastwick
really is a "great" script (spoiler alert: there is no way that could be true), then there's no way they'd hire a typecast cheesy vampire movie star like Olivia to suddenly grab a broom and go all Heathers
macabre with her big doe eyes and inability to scoul like anything but a child. They would obviously
hire Kristen Bell, who has the ass-whipping attitude and dark-arts-sexiness for such a role. Gossip Girl's James Frey theme.
Bringing up A Million Little Pieces
three or four times doesn't put Dan's "selective memory" in the right context... it just reminds us that these kids don't know the meaning
of "experimentation." He may have changed some details, but I'm pretty sure James Frey abusing crack and glue and Quaaludes and getting his nose rebroken
without painkillers and escaping criminal charges in several states with his heroin-addicted girlfriend actually did happen, and it makes all this Gossip Girl
"drama" look like child's play. Fitting, since Damien literally deals his ecstasy via a TOY SAILBOAT instead of just walking around the pond and getting his money like a normal international bad ass would. James Frey invoked the hatred of Oprah
. Now THAT is a problem. And yet you expect me to care that Jenny is a lonely
evil queen, and poor
Dan lost his movie star girlfriend? PAH. LEAZE. Speaking of "selective memory,"
why is Nate so okay with hearing about his ex-girlfriend (Vanessa) involved in a threesome with his good friend, Dan? Is everyone
blocking that out now, and not just us?
- Why does Damien look so much like Zac Efron?
- With her physical state and makeup style, why would Damien assume that Jenny DOESN'T use drugs?
- How did Vanessa end up the first to bag all the main Gossip Girl guys?
- Why did Rufus stand idly by while Lily pimped out Jenny to some random male-tail at the door?
- Why is Serena so bad at making decisions? And so good at NOT knowing what makes a line "blurry"?
- WHO'S PREGNANT? (Tell me you saw that part of the promo...)
- And, finally: why must we wait two weeks until the next episode?!
-Meghan Carlson, BuddyTV Staff WriterImages courtesy of the CW