This week on Gossip Girl
, Serena goes mad with power, using our favorite Upper East Siders like puppets in her gambit to replace herself as resident It Girl. That is, until she realizes that she likes the spotlight almost as much as she likes being Gossip Girl. It would be a more interesting storyline if Serena didn't rail against her status as anointed It Girl at least once per season only to then realize that like Tinkerbell, Serena only really exists if people believe in her.
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Meanwhile, Blair is mourning the loss of her pretty princess tiara while Dan chases her around town making concerned faces. Chuck wants some friendly advice about blood donors and mothers and stuff, but the only people he knows are people with terrible advice to give.
Nate is fighting a war with Diana to rule the Spectator through statutory rape and child pornography. Lola gets a taste of the good life and discovers, like Ivy, it's both better and worse than she could ever imagine. Also, sometimes it means your sister-cousin will force you out into the streets in your underthings. Finally, Rufus and Lily argue about nothing at all and Rufus takes a stand because it's been awhile since he's been self-righteous about something besides waffles.
The Blood Donor Mysteries Continue
Imagine yourself in a far, far away made-up place where Chuck and the Gossip Girl
writers are having a conversation. "Hey Chuck, would you like an actual storyline for the back half of the season?" the writers ask Chuck. Chuck gets excited, like someone telling him they found an argyle bowtie. "A storyline, my god, it's been so long!"
"Great!" the writers say. "We're going to give you the same family/mother/father-whatever issues storyline we give you at the end of every season. Only this time there's blood donation involved! How pumped are you, vague blood pun intended?!" Chuck looks like someone told him that said bowtie is made of polyester as a single tear escapes down his cheek. "Kill me," he Batman-whispers softly.
The above paragraph I think perfectly encapsulates Chuck's blood donor mommy storyline this episode. But in case you want more specifics: Chuck is wondering if he should reach out to Elizabeth Fisher, his maybe mommy dearest, so he goes to Blair for advice. Blair verbally punches him in the face repeatedly and then just walks out of her own living room, leaving Chuck bewildered.
Chuck bumps into Serena, in the middle of ruining the lives of several people for no apparent reason, who tells him to go for it because using your new found family as giant meat puppets is crazy fun. Chuck tells Andrew Tyler he wants to look up Elizabeth Fisher and it turns out that she's been in a monastery in Tibet, repenting her time with Jack Bass while undoubtedly on some strong STD medication. Chuck tells Andrew Tyler to never stop looking with a medium amount of melodrama. (The full out Chuck Bass melodrama involves nearly jumping off buildings and yelling his name repeatedly, but the season isn't over yet.) And scene!
In the more interesting part of Chuck's storyline, it turns out he actually paid Blair's dowry. So wait, what did Georgina do exactly? What was the purpose of Georgina Sparks? I just ... never mind. I'm thinking again and we all know that's a mistake when the word "dowry" is involved.
Dan finds out that Chuck paid the dowry and thinks that's why Blair hasn't signed her divorce papers. So he tells Blair about how he totally understands how she must be feeling, but of course Blair didn't know. She confronts Chuck about it, imagining that he's trying to buy her back the same way he traded her for a hotel that one time. Listen, I wish they could bring up the hotel situation in a context in which Blair isn't actually jumping down Chuck's throat for no real reason, but I guess at least it's not being completely swept under the rug? I don't know. My feelings, they are mixed.
The best Chuck thing all episode, though? The weird workout outfit he's wearing in his first scene with Nate. It is like a bright red one-piece with a zipper down to Chuck Bass, Junior. He looks like he's wearing a baby onesie or like he's a missing member from an Olympic bobsled team. Please tell me someone is making a photo manipulation as we speak of Chuck in the baby Bjorn on The Hangover
poster.Goodbye, Princess Blair
The reason that Dan is worried is that he finds out with a little help from Dorota that Blair lied to him about signing her divorce papers. After Nate lets slip about the dowry, Dan is convinced this is a Blair and Chuck thing. Nate is seriously the worst person to tell any secret to; I cannot believe that Chuck could have seriously wanted to keep that on the down low and still told Nate. Nate is like a secrets pinata -- all you have to do is shake him a little and they all come tumbling out.
When Dan finally confronts Blair about the unsigned papers, she admits she didn't want to close the book on something, but it wasn't Chuck or Louis related. It was her princess dreams. She says she needed to mourn the loss of her crown before she could move on. So far on screen, we've seen Blair mourn more for her pretty princess tiara than her miscarried, unborn baby.
So Dan does the most cheeseball, adorable thing he can think of in his Humphrey head. He puts Blair in a pretty pink ball gown and walks her up the steps of the Met and then crowns her with a tacky tiara he probably purchased at Claire's. Blair jokes about her abhorrence for cubic zirconia, but she's into it when some mini-Gossip Girls rush her for a picture.
They're all wearing bright colors and headbands and I found myself missing the sartorial signature of the early days of the show. Those bright coats! Those headbands! At least Blair's makeup was on point this week. She looks gorgeous; her divorce is really agreeing with her. Dan seemingly agrees because the two kiss on the steps of the Met and walk off hand in hand. Her other hand must be busy texting because Chuck gets a text thanking him for setting her free.
You're Nobody Unless Somebody's Talking About You
Serena is still holding the reins of Gossip Girl and is going steadily mad with power. This is why Chuck and Blair do the scheming and Serena wears something low-cut and passes out in elevators. We all have our strengths, Serena. Gossip Girl wants her site, back but Serena wants to run one last mission with her gossipy powers first. Serena's covert mission is to make an It Girl out of new sister-cousin Lola, thereby getting herself out of the Gossip Girl crosshairs.
Again, every season Serena decides that it's time that Gossip Girl finally left her alone, only to find out that she doesn't much like being out of the spotlight. There's a reason that the worst thing you could ever call Serena van der Woodsen is irrelevant.
Serena goes about making Lola the new flavor of the week the old fashioned way: sex and vengeance. First, she pulls the fire alarm while Lola is changing into some lingerie, forcing her out in public in undergarments. When the pictures of Lola go viral, she's soon asked to walk in the weirdest, most surreal fashion show of all time. I mean, it looks like a goth girl's dream journal instead of a fashion show.
Lola, however, is still reticent. So she plays up the jealousy Lola is feeling over Nate's prior relationship with Diana. She posts that Diana and Nate are going to the Spectator party together, which drives Lola insane. She's quickly agreeing to drag her friend from home, Aidan, along to the party to make Nate jealous. While Lola is literally going out of her mind, Serena is just cackling and rubbing her hands together and twirling her imaginary mustache. "I've got you right where I want you, my pretty!" she cackles and then posts a blog about Chuck and Blair having an afternoon delight.
I know Serena is sort of ridiculous this episode, but it's just so hilarious. What's extra amazing is her telling Blair how happy she is for Blair and Dan but immediately trying to screw them over at the first opportunity. You are a shining star, Serena; never change.
It turns out, of course, that Lola and Nate were playing Diana. So Lola was just playing Serena who was just playing her while playing Gossip Girl. Did you guys get that? My head hurts. What if we're all Gossip Girl? What if we're all Serena with worse hair? I'm questioning everything now.
After Diana starts seriously hemming in on Nate's Don Draper mancave, he and Lola hatch a scheme to get rid of her. Basically, the scheme is that they would pretend to fight and Nate would go with Diana to the fashion show. Lola brings along her own date in the form of Aidan. Nate tells Diana that she doesn't want to admit that she misses her boytoy, which leads to her hooking up with Aidan. Who is 16 years old and looks alternatively turned on and terrified by Diana. Which is the way I imagine most people react to her.
Nate threatens to out Diana for statutory rape, but then Diana points out that if Nate leaked the video he would be disseminating child pornography. Good job. Nate and Diana work it out, with Diana admitting that she does still have feelings for Nate. I worry that the Gossip Girl
writers understand the finer points of child pornography laws but not the basics of how pre-nuptial agreements work.
Meanwhile, Serena freaks out when they rename the lingerie named after her to the "Lola." Lola is everywhere! Lola Lola Lola! Serena is Jan Brady now. So Serena tells Lola not to get used to her It Girl fame because it is fleeting. May I just say that I find it hard to believe that an aspiring actress would be so staunchly against publicity?
Serena posts a Gossip Girl blog about how the only It Girl that matters in New York is Serena van der Woodsen, while Lola gets her picture taken on the street. Serena is like the Cher to Lola's Tai in Clueless
. She's created a publicity monster. But Serena is not giving up the Gossip Girl blog to the real deal just yet; she's gotten a taste of power and she finds it almost as intoxicating as a good martini or a low-cut shirt.
Next week, Blair and Dan come out of Brooklyn to admit their relationship, and Dan admits that his hair is an elaborate prank that he is playing on us all that represents the pain of the 99% or something. Serena probably uses Gossip Girl for more evil and Rufus makes waffles in Brooklyn, sadly while crying into his cable knit sweater.
What did you think of this week's episode? Do you like Serena as the new Gossip Girl? Are you liking Blair and Dan or missing Blair and Chuck? Sound off in the comments!
Best Tweets About the Episode
Morgan GlennonContributing Writer(Image courtesy of The CW)
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