'Gossip Girl' Recap: Mother-Chucker
'Gossip Girl' Recap: Mother-Chucker
This week on Gossip Girl, we finally find out Diana's big secret, and it's the one you've been guessing since her picture turned up in Bart Bass' file. That's right, she's Chuck's mother.

So throw out that file of photo manipulations of Robert John Burke's face on Elizabeth Hurley's body because my beloved 'Bart Bass sex-changed into Diana' theory is toast. While the show hints that there's more dirty laundry in Diana's basket than just this bombshell, I have to admit being sad Diana turned out to be Chuck's mother. It was so obvious. Who hadn't guessed that one at this point?

Meanwhile, Lola and Serena both go insane in surprisingly similar ways, as sister-cousins are wont to do. Dan and Blair throw the most pretentious couple coming-out party of all time. Nate breaks up with Lola and totally rolls with the fact that he banged Chuck's mom. He doesn't even make an SNL "Mother Lover" joke about it, which is really solid of him. And Rufus finally gets cut off from the thing that, besides his waffle iron, he's come to rely on most: Lily's money.

I might be on a lot of cold medication at the moment but, aside from Rufus and Lily hilarity, that seemed to be a bit of a draggy episode, no?

Never Call Serena Irrelevant

Calling Serena irrelevant is like feeding a gremlin after midnight or making the Hulk angry: It's just not something you want to do. Unfortunately, Lola really steps in it when she calls Gossip Girl, and by extension Serena, irrelevant while getting ready for an important audition. You can literally see the fire spring up behind her eyes and her head spin around and around; it's kind of amazing. Not amazing for Lola, however, because Gossip Girl then proceeds to post a quote that makes Lola look like a total diva. Of course, it's a quote that Lola said in a locked room with only Serena, so Lola becomes suspicious that Serena just might be Gossip Girl.

The great thing about Serena as Gossip Girl is just how Serena she is about the whole thing. The great thing about Nate is that Lola is basically saying, "Hey, this thing I'm saying makes perfect sense," and he responds with, "I reject that sense! Serena is nice! Her hair is pretty! She can't be Gossip Girl because of reasons! Remember that quest she goes on to kill Gossip Girl once per season? That proves it!" The problem with Lola is that she hasn't learned to just give up in the face of such simple-minded loyalty and continues trying to prove Serena is Gossip Girl.

Lola clearly has some van der Woodsen genes, because she tries to prove that Serena is Gossip Girl in the most overly-elaborate ways possible. Instead of asking Serena to borrow a cleavage-bearing dress and just checking on her computer, Lola goes to great lengths to prove Serena is Gossip Girl. Finally, when Serena leaves her phone on the table, Lola accidentally leaks a video revealing Diana as Chuck's mother to Gossip Girl's automatic video uplink.

So many things with this, so let's just dive in, shall we? First off, Gossip Girl has an app? This is a site that is both so sophisticated that it can stalk you in real life and post videos of Chuck walking his dog with a GPS tracker, AND YET when the site is turned over to a new owner it needs to be mailed as a laptop. Gossip Girl is so confusing. Secondly, there are not enough words in the English language to express how much I love that Serena just leaves her phone on the table, while trying to hide her identity as Gossip Girl from Lola, who she knows is trying to out her. It's not even password protected! That is so Serena.

So Lola doesn't tell Nate that Serena is Gossip Girl because she's already ruined enough lives and because she doesn't have the amount of hours it would take to explain that slowly, step by step, to him anyway. She decides to go back to Juilliard because the Upper East Side is full of monstrous people that force you to run down the street in your underwear and then ruin your career and that's just the people you are related to. I feel you, Lola.

There's one thing that really strikes me as off about this whole Serena as Gossip Girl storyline. It's not that Serena wouldn't go mad with power, which is frankly kind of hilariously amusing to watch. I buy that Serena is holding onto Gossip Girl so tightly because it makes her feel in control and she's lost control of everything else this year. She's lost multiple jobs, her best friend Blair (who I assume she sometimes bumps into off-screen? Maybe?) and the guy she's convinced herself she loves again. For Serena, this is the worst run of luck she's probably ever had.

What I don't buy is that someone as obsessed with family of any kind as Serena is would run roughshod all over Lola. She basically kidnapped Ivy against her will and chained her to a radiator in her room until she agreed to become part of the family. Yet with Lola, she's willing to hurt her for no apparent reason because the plot demands it?

The British Bombshell

After Serena puts on her sleuthing cap (sadly minus her sequined dinosaur outfit from last season) to look into another Chuck near-death experience she figures out what we all had figured out for months now. Namely, that Diana Payne is Chuck's mother. Who didn't see that coming? Anyone? Bueller?

So Diana tells Chuck some story about how she was having an affair with Bart but she was in a bad place and so she gave the baby to Bart and Elizabeth to raise. What's especially funny about this story is that it means that Elizabeth really was kind of Chuck's mother, as Bart's ex-wife. So now Chuck has been abandoned by TWO mothers! Except at least one of them came back to have sex with his best friend in his own apartment, so that's something ... weird.

Coming Out

Meanwhile, Blair and Dan try to figure out the perfect time to come out as a couple. Does anyone actually care whether or not they're a couple now that the divorce is finalized? I hate to say it, but isn't Blair Waldorf also kind of irrelevant right now? Is anyone really jonesing to know what literary authors Blair and Dan are discussing in bed?

In a restaurant, they bump into a similar Uptown-Downtown couple who are surely real people based on their acting but I totally missed when they said their names. They give Blair and Dan the idea to have their coming out party as a salon where people will say smart stuff to each other and drink out of mason jars and be the worst people in the world.

It's going pretty well at first. Blair and Dan are in their element, being pretentious about literature and food. That is until Serena, Lola, Nate, Chuck and Diana all crash and eventually ruin the party. The look on Blair's face when Serena in particular shows up is perfection. "You can't be here! We're not allowed to be in scenes this close together! It's season 5! What if we have to speak to each other?!" She seems to be shouting with her eyes.

Blair and Dan wonder how they will fit into each other's worlds and it's basically every conversation that Dan and Serena had in the first season, only thankfully shorter. They decide that they are partners and they will make it work. Then they get into bed and debate literature with each other, because they haven't been unbearably pretentious all episode and we might have forgotten they had that in common.

Cut Off

Meanwhile, the best storyline of the episode, in terms of my cold-hearted laughter, goes to Lily and Rufus. Basically, Rufus is fixing things around the Brooklyn loft to feel like a man again while Dan gently tries to get rid of him. Lily comes to see him and they both apologize and plan to work on things. Lily says they'll sell the apartment and buy a new place that works for both of them. So I'm assuming it will have gigantic walk-in closets with necklace organizers for Lily and a kitchen full of the newest in waffle-iron technology for Rufus.

Later, however, Lily is pretty pissed when she learns that Rufus has been putting Ivy up at a hotel. They have a fight and Lily basically calls Rufus a useless househusband. It's really funny if you're as hopped up on cold medications as I am and find Rufus' sad face as hilarious as I do. Rufus tells Lily that he used his own money, at which point I had to pause the television because I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. Unless Rufus is out on the streets hustling waffles for cash, I don't see where he's getting money from. Maybe he knits all his own cableknit sweaters?

As the episode ends, Rufus' debit card gets declined, meaning that Lily has finally cut Rufus off. This is funny on so many different levels. I mean, Rufus wasn't even allowed to have a credit card? Man, Lily really did not trust Rufus with money. What did she think, he would just blow it all on leather chokers and botox? Rufus is totally in a Catch-22 now because he needs to buy Lily something very pretty and shiny to make up for his behavior and yet he has no money.

Next week, another relationship with a guest star down, Nate goes back to his default setting -- hooker with a heart of pot.

What did you think of the episode? Did you call that Diana was Chuck's mother? What do you think her other secret is? Sound off in the comments!

Best Tweets About the Episode

Morgan Glennon
Contributing Writer

(Image courtesy of The CW)

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