'Gossip Girl' Recap: Going Down
'Gossip Girl' Recap:  Going Down
This week, Gossip Girl returns with an episode about blood donor regulations, legal mumbo-jumbo and bad sex. Isn't that what we all tune into Gossip Girl for, though? Estate law and European blood donation regulations from the early 90s? I mean, personally, there is nothing that gets me more pumped for an episode than knowing that the Gossip Girl writers will completely ignore or rewrite the law for dramatic effect.

This week, Ivy and William join forces to extort money and ruin cocktail hour with red wine, except it's all a sham! Lily considers burning down the Brooklyn loft with their barely working burner. Serena proves herself to be the worst Gossip Girl imaginable, like we all imagined, and gets fired by Nate. Nate pretends to be Don Draper, gives bad sex advice and then gets an offer from Diana Payne he can't refuse.

Lola officially joins the family by screwing someone else over and wearing a low-cut dress. Chuck uncovers Jack Bass' blood donor deception with some James Bond moves and fake childhood leukemia. Finally, Blair and Dan have bad sex sober and good sex drunk, in public. It's like every great love story, only grosser and weirder.

It was a surprisingly fun episode, despite all the ridiculous plot twists. Ivy continues coming unhinged in new and delightful ways. I wasn't the biggest fan of the character when she first came on the scene, but she is now like one more screw-over away from a complete mental breakdown and I love it. Meanwhile, if we had to lose season MVP's Georgina and Cece, at least we got the hilarious one-liner that is Jack Bass.

Drunken Love in an Elevator

It's amazing how little the Blair and Dan plot had to do with the rest of the episode this week. You could literally completely lift their whole storyline out with little change to the episode. That isn't to say the storyline wasn't fun, just oddly disconnected in an episode about law and blood transfusion espionage.

Thanks to Rufus kidnapping Lily and holding her against her will in Brooklyn, Dan and Blair's sexy times have been delayed by a whole month. In that month, somehow Dan's hair has become a sentient being, to the point where I imagine the sex they have later is bad because they unknowingly just had a threesome.

Somehow, it takes Rufus to figure out that the two should just rent a hotel to get their sexy on. How is it that Blair Waldorf never thought of a hotel? I barely believe she would have been willing to have sex in Brooklyn; how is hotel not the first thing she thought of? It's sad it took Dan's DAD to figure out their sex lives.

The sex is bad, as is the show's creative choice to frame this storyline at times shot-for-shot the same as this exact storyline from The OC. It was endearing when it was Seth and Summer and it was both of their first times. It's not quite as cute here. I also didn't know Dan's hair could be worse; then I saw Dan's curly moppet sex hair. I'm sending my therapy bills to Gossip Girl.

Still, watching Blair re-gift Dorota her wedding champagne glasses and then get hammered on vodka is undeniably precious. As is Dan's reveal that he and Nate made a "Don Draper pact" about drinking at work.

Finally, in the elevator up to Ivy's party, Dan and Blair find the secret to conjugal bliss: being really drunk and in public. I guess if it's good enough for Aerosmith? Later, they hit up some bars so they can defile their bathrooms and then have sex in a weird Asian-looking alleyway in Williamsburg.

The Magic Johnson of Hep C

Chuck's storyline is so ridiculous that it veers into being totally great, with some large help from the always hilarious Jack Bass. After learning that his blood is now riddled with even more STDs than before, thanks to a life-saving infusion from Jack, Chuck takes him out on the town. Jack is oddly confused about saving Chuck's life, just the first of many warning signs.

Chuck wants to name a hospital wing after Jack in thanks, which is hilarious on so many different levels. Could you imagine the sheer terror of being treated in the Jack Bass Hospital Pavilion? You'd go in for a routine procedure and you'd come out with an STD and missing a kidney that was sold on the black market.

The second warning sign that things may not be what they seem is when Chuck finds out that Jack spent a gay old time in an English boarding school. (Puns!) Chuck points out that because of his time overseas in the 90's, Jack shouldn't be able to give blood. So great, now Chuck has Mad Cow disease. I hope it turns him into a zombie that gives Mad Cow disease to everyone else on the show. I have no idea how Mad Cow disease works. It's like what happens to people on The Walking Dead, right?

After this revelation, Chuck goes to, frankly, pretty preposterous lengths to prove that Jack didn't donate his blood. It is hilarious. He snoops on a computer like James Bond; he bribes a kid into pretending to have leukemia. You know, normal stuff you do when you need to ask your uncle something.

After Jack drops the best line of the episode -- "I like to think of myself as the Magic Johnson of Hep C" -- he confirms it was Elizabeth Fisher that gave the blood. But I have my money on another English Rose making a comeback. Time to find out how Diana Payne, Jack, Bart and Chuck are all connected.

Ruining Cocktails

Lily is really killing it this episode in just about every scene. Basically, this whole episode is Lily just reigning in her urge to punch people in the face. She wants to punch Rufus when he regales her with the charms of the Brooklyn loft. She wants to punch Ivy when she puts her arm around Lily for a picture. She wants to go back through time, give her mom the hug they never really shared and then punch her for giving away the loft to Ivy. Basically, it's an episode of Lily barely suppressing her rage. With all that said, though, I've never seen her as disgusted as when she realizes that Ivy is serving red wine. At a cocktail party. My god, she's a monster and must be stopped!

Ivy is also a big, giant ball of insanity this episode. In fact, if I had to label this episode anything, it would be: Rhodes Women Both Real and Fake Go Mildly Insane. With all her new cash money, Ivy is truly pissed that the Rhodes women have blackballed her from spending it anywhere around town. That's when William comes to her with a plan: she gives him money and he gets people to show up at her Cece memorial party.

William needs the money too, because Carol is still blackmailing him. "I can't change the law just because you're blackmailing me!" he hisses at Carol on the phone, and I laugh and laugh because Gossip Girl has never once cared about how legal systems work, not ever. You're barking up the wrong tree there, William.

It turns out it's all an elaborate William and Lily planned ruse in order to get Ivy to implicate herself in bribing the executor of the will. Lola overhears and shares her information with Nate, who shares it with Serena, who also goes crazy. There's a lot of craziness in this episode.

In the end, Ivy is left with frozen assets, a big bill from a declasse cocktail party and an increasing beef with the van der Woodsens. My favorite part has to be when she yells at Lola for siding with her "greedy" family and complaining that no one there even cared about celebrating Cece. Even though we are clearly shown that Ivy only threw the party in Cece's honor in order to get rich people to talk to her. Props, though, because I can't think of anything better to honor Cece's memory.

Gossip Girl Returns

Serena finally gets the Gossip Girl computer, a month later. Hold up -- didn't Georgina put that in the mail right before she left? Why did it take a month to get to Serena on the other side of the city? I know traffic's bad, but this is ridiculous. It only takes the blink of an eye to get from the Upper East Side to Brooklyn on this show; shouldn't Serena have gotten that computer mere seconds after Georgina put it in the mail? Unless Georgina sent it from the future because she is a terminator, I have no idea why it would take that long. (Georgina would be the most effective Terminator ever. John Connor would be dead and she would make him into a spiky purse.)

As Nate talks up Serena's blogging talents to his potential investor, Serena begins to enjoy the power of Gossip Girl. Unfortunately, Serena turns out to be as effective at being Gossip Girl as you'd imagine. She becomes the best/worst/most amazing Gossip Girl the world has ever seen. She literally ruins her own family as Gossip Girl. You don't even need to give Serena an opponent to face off against; this season, she will just ruin her own life!

When she can't get to a computer in time to turn off the Ivy-William Gossip Girl blast because of weird old guys hitting on her over her grandmother's death, it looks bad for the van der Woodsen plan. That is, until Lola tells Serena she overheard the bribe, and Serena pulls out all her powers of heartwarming and slight condescension to convince Lola that her family really needs her.

Nate, however, is a lot less happy with Serena and fires her after the deal falls through. Now he's going to have to whore himself out to Diana Payne again, and he was just getting used to not being a hooker anymore!

Poor Serena; how many jobs has she had at this point? 50? 500? More than Barbie, I'm pretty sure. I can't wait until next season when Serena is a doctor, a lawyer, a professional blood donor, a race car driver and a veterinarian.

Someone else none too happy with Serena's new non-career path? The real Gossip Girl, who instant messages Serena as the episode closes, asking for her password back. I'd do it if I were Serena. First, she's terrible at being Gossip Girl; so what's the loss exactly? But secondly, I wouldn't want to mess with Veronica Mars, because she is always smarter than you.

Next week, Lola gets jealous because Nate is probably hooking again. And she sings to Nate that he doesn't have to put on that red light, but of course he does because Diana Payne is back.

What did you think of tonight's episode? Did you like the Blair and Dan of it all? What are your theories on Chuck's mysterious blood transfusion? What's up with Diana Payne? Sound off in the comments!

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Morgan Glennon
Contributing Writer

(Image courtesy of The CW)