'Gossip Girl' Recap: Everyone Has Officially Slept With Everyone Else
'Gossip Girl' Recap: Everyone Has Officially Slept With Everyone Else
Morgan Glennon
Morgan Glennon
Contributing Writer, BuddyTV
This week on Gossip Girl, the show finally closes the Upper East Side sex loop. We now know that if you take any two random Upper East Siders, there are strong odds they've had sex while on uppers in a wine cellar.

If the rich and famous of the Upper East Side are our modern day royalty, then this is like how they used to keep it in the family to keep the bloodlines pure. Which would certainly explain Serena and Nate's intelligence levels.

Meanwhile, Blair and Chuck go off in search of a My Little Pony mystery. Plus, we learn that in his spare time, Bart enjoys drowning kittens and turning beautiful thoroughbreds into glue, because who needs dimensions when a character can just be Doctor Evil? "I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!" Bart cackles at Chuck and then flies away on his broomstick to slap an ice cream cone out of a child's hand and fill up a gallon of illegal oil.

After the first three episodes, this week's outing manages to feel a little thin. Watching Blair and Chuck scheme together is always a delight and there is certainly no end to my love of Chuck and Lily scenes. While the insanity of Steven and Lily's hookup coming to light is downright hilarious, outside of some great moments the episode doesn't feel as zippy and packed as the last few have.

Perhaps it's because Chuck's storyline to take down his father is more or less the same story he gets every year, only now Bart gets to pop up whenever someone says his name, like an orange Lord Voldemort. Perhaps it's because instead of focusing on the core set of characters, too much real estate is still being devoted to newcomers Steven and Sage.

Whatever it is, this episode just didn't work for me as well as the previous three. Which doesn't mean there aren't still plenty of great OMG moments, including this show's continued love affair with borderline incestuous hookups. Gossip Girl is definitely giving Game of Thrones a run for its money, that's for sure.

Bart's Little Pony

Blair and Chuck are still scheming together to take down Bart and the best way to do so is to find this mysterious Lady Alexander. Chuck wants to take down Bart once and for all, so he can finally rid Gotham's streets of evil and start talking in a normal voice again. Blair, meanwhile, just really want to have sex.

By the end of the episode, she's driven so mad by sexual frustration that she thinks wearing a lime-green bandanna  even in the house, is a good idea. That bandanna is a cry for help and a bad decision facilitator. Which is probably why she agrees to house Dan Humphrey and the sentient being hiding in his hair and steadily moving to take shelter in his chest hair. Will the show's final OMG moment come when we find out that Dan is actually part werewolf?

Before putting up homeless writers, however, Blair and Chuck strike out on a quest to find the enigmatic Lady Alexander. They track this Lady Alexander to an art studio, which causes Chuck to mention how he's always wanted a portrait of Blair. Listen, I've seen the art in his apartment and it is super creepy. I cannot imagine what a Chuck Bass portrait would turn out looking like, but it would probably be terrifying and involve artfully placed bow-ties.

At the studio, however, they see that the portrait is of a horse. Whoops! The artist is like, "You totally like the sort of dude that would want a portrait of his lady in a horse costume."

Outside, Blair looks up Lady Alexander's horse Facebook page or whatever and discovers that Bart bought her for $2 million along with a bunch of other horses. Is Bart forming a horse army? Perhaps he just loves the feel of wind against his unmoving face when he rides his favorite horses? Why does everyone have to jump to the worst conclusions?

Meanwhile, Bart is trying to convince Lily that Chuck is evil and planting false rumors about her on Gossip Girl. Lily reminds him this won't work, because unlike her other children she both loves and mostly remembers that Chuck exists. Bart almost makes a face, but then doesn't. It's terrifying.

Lily goes to see Chuck to find out why he's been ignoring her calls the last week. I'd like to remind everyone that her actual child, Serena, OD'd on a train and then disappeared and it took Lily four months to even notice. But Chuck doesn't pick up her calls for a couple days and she makes an unscheduled house visit. Lily's priorities are incredible.

Unfortunately for Chuck, Blair bursts in right at that moment talking about the horse show. Chuck covers by saying he's considering buying Stone Orchid to get out of Bart's way in Manhattan, and Lily goes full-out insane about horses and demands to go with them to visit the horse show. Outside, Lily makes a call to Bart, and he literally sticks his head out the car window across the street and practically waves, and no one notices because apparently everyone on the Upper East Side is also blind. Maybe it's all the inbreeding.

At the horse show, Chuck and Blair corner Lady Alexander's former owner, the Sheik's daughter Iman. But it turns out that Iman is also the only person besides Lily not completely unnerved by Bart's creepy fake smile. Blair talks some sense into her by explaining that poor Lady Alexander is now a horse head in someone's bed, because Bart is evil.

Chuck tries to understand why Bart would have paid so much money for a horse, until Iman mentions that her father used to be in the oil business. But because the US has a trade embargo with Sudan, any oil Bart would have bought from them would have been illegal. So Chuck realizes that Bart faked his own death not to protect Chuck, but to get out of jail time.

Which ... the police didn't notice Bart's very public resurrection? It was in all the papers. His orange face was everywhere! Why aren't they still moving on him if they were so close to taking him down before? Why do I expect this storyline to make sense when it involves horses from Dubai and dubious oil deals? Like Chuck with Bart, I keep expecting Gossip Girl to make sense and it keeps disappointing me and turning my horses into glue.

We've All Slept Together and That's Okay!

Meanwhile, Serena is still trying to play adult with disastrous results. After Dan's piece about Nate comes out in Vanity Fair, Steven realizes that Serena has previously slept with his high school daughter's full-grown boyfriend. This is a problem for Steven for at least five seconds, because Steven is an Upper East Side parent extraordinaire.

Serena goes to talk to Dan about his planned article on her and ask if he's going to mention that pesky little sex tape. Dan says a bunch of mean things about her, and she sighs sadly that she used to actually love this muppet-haired monster. As Sage sagely points out (see what I did there?), "Dan Humphrey is a douche." Out of the mouths of babes.

So Serena goes back to Steven and they share their list of sexual partners. I wish we could see a time-lapse view of that conversation. Just maybe a "five hours later" time card would have done the trick.

"And then I slept with Ben, but not when I was 15 like everyone thought and only when he got out of prison for my statutory rape, but after he tried to have me drugged and left for dead. Ours was a beautiful romance that inexplicably did not last." As any reasonable person would, Steven just nods while looking directly at Serena's cleavage rhombus.

This season, Serena is turning ever more into her mother. Just look at the increasing size of her earrings. Plus, Rufus and Lily did the exact same sexual partners listing so they wouldn't get blindsided in a prior season, which is actually how Nate got the list to publish in the Spectator in the first place.

At the horse show, Nate and Steven bond over being gross and dating girls far too young for them. "You punch a lot of people in the face? I punch a lot of people in the face, too! Plus, we've both slept with Serena! Up top, brozone!"

But soon it all falls apart when it turns out Lily, post one of the Klaus', had actually slept with Steven. So it case you were wondering:

Steven's daughter is Sage. Sage slept with Nate. Nate slept with Serena. Serena slept with Steven. Steven slept with Serena's mother, Lily. And thus the circle of creepy sexual pairings spins on forever.

If Nate marries Sage and Serena marries Steven, then Serena will be Nate's mother-in-law that he slept with and Lily will be Steven's mother-in-law that he slept with and everyone will be gross and the Upper East Side will be forever unclean. Although, Serena being Nate's potential mother-in-law is hilarious.

"Oh, we just got really drunk at a wedding, Steven was on drugs and we deflowered each other in a wine cellar," Lily laughs delightfully. "Good times." Like mother, like daughter, right down to enjoying sex at other people's weddings.

Of course, Serena gets over it because if there's one thing she understands, it's bad sexual decisions.

Meanwhile, Bart subtly convinces Nate to cook his books by mentioning that's what his father used to do. This seems like it would be a bad way to convince Nate, because his father cooking the books lead Nate into a life of underage prostitution. However, Nate, because he is Nate, forgets about all the times he punched his father in the face for this very reason. Also, all the times his father ended up in jail. Nate has the memory of a guppy.

That Tape

Dan has been slutting it up around town in order to not be homeless, because after your book has spent all of last year on the New York Times best-seller list, it's completely realistic not to have enough money to pay for a hotel. You're telling me Dan wouldn't jump at the chance to live in an artist space in Brooklyn with some hipsters who make ironic pottery and grow weed in their community garden?

Georgina wants Dan to appear with a better class of girl, so she starts an open cattle call for suitable fake girlfriends. When Serena shows up to ask Dan if their sex tape is going to appear in his next article, Georgina grabs her purse for some fake reason Serena doesn't even question. 

Serena, because she is Serena and also because has the memory span of a guppy, forgets that Georgina loves sex tapes like a fat kid loves cake. While Serena finally deletes the sex tape off her phone, Georgina tells Phillip to get popcorn with that crazy look in her eye that means nothing but trouble.

What did you think of this week's episode? What will happen now that Georgina has the sex tape? Do you care about Chuck's storyline yet? Will you ever? And how creepy is everything with Steven and Sage? Sound off in the comments!

(Image courtesy of The CW)