This week on Gossip Girl
, both Cece and Georgina leave us in a blaze of glory, booze, schemes and Riverdance music. I'm not going to lie; it's an amazing episode. It's like watching a Russian nesting doll of secrets, lies and schemes get wackier and wackier.
The whole episode is just stuff blowing up, and then the second you're like "that's crazy," something else explodes. And the whole time there's Georgina Sparks, the best character to ever exist in the universe, just laughing while she plays her metaphorical fiddle and dances in the ashes. I was so sad when she left at the end of the episode, I might have yelled, "Please no, don't leave! Take Blair instead!"
I'm so in love with Georgina and her evil perfect eyeliner and her crazy cleavage-rhombus-esque dress. (Could that have been ... foreshadowing!?) I wish there was a spin-off of Georgina and her minion husband incompetently running websites, spying on people and arguing over whose turn it is to change Milo's diaper. They are the greatest people in the world.
So many secrets were unveiled tonight. Turns out the blood pumping through Chuck's veins is only half liquor, the other half having come courtesy of one Jack Bass. If Chuck starts growing a molester beard, we will now know the reason. Also, Serena and Lola, despite their arguments, are much closer than they seem: biologically, that is.
Oh, also, Blair is totally over Chuck and now moving straight into the bird's nest sitting atop young Humphrey's head. Or, well, I guess it's Dan now. Although their episode-ending swirling camera make-out scene did give us one of the most hilarious "say my name" scenes I have ever seen.Poison Ivy
There was so much great stuff about Cece's wake, at which all the action took place this episode. First of all, it was an Irish wake. Lily is completely shocked by this, but what other way would a wise-cracking alcoholic choose to celebrate her life than with tons of booze? Even from the great beyond, Cece continues being the greatest person on this show. It's amazing.
Serena, thinking it will be a quiet and sad affair, invites Nate to take Lola over. Instead, the entire musical company from Riverdance is camped out in Prada Marfa, just going to town on their instruments. All the guests are "the help" apparently, but no one tells Serena that she is kind, smart or important. The movies really do lie!
Instead, they just take advantage of the free booze and stare at the fighting van der Woodsens like they are totally being rude, fighting in their own home. I love the extras in this episode. Super props go out to whoever played the priest that Georgina knew on a first name basis, who ran away from her like he had just seen Satan.
Now that Ivy has given up the gig on pretending to be a Rhodes, her hair has gotten to their weird sort of orange stage. It's like almost auburn but not quite? I don't know, it's not a look. She is, however, rocking a pretty excellent lace dress at the wake. Of course, all the Rhodes women are totally mean to her.
I mean, you pretend to be a long-lost cousin for a couple of months and people just do not know how to get over it! Jeez! This seems, hilariously enough, to be the thought process for both Ivy and Lola. Hurricane Georgina comes riding into the wake on Ivy's arm and then proceeds to open a can of gossipy worms.
First off? William van der "fake cancer is hilarious" Woodsen is back for the funeral and the executor of Cece's will. I love so much about what Cece chooses to be, even after death. Just like Lily loves Chuck the most out of all her children, Cece also loves people that literally con the family on a regular basis. If you've tried to steal money or give the family fake cancer, Cece automatically likes you better than all of her biological progeny. This is why I'm so sad she's dead.
It also turns out that Cece left everything to Ivy Dickens, full name included. So she really did know Ivy was a fake the whole time and was just off in a corner, swilling gin and laughing to herself about how stupid the rest of her family was. God, I love you so much, Cece. I'm sorry this whole recap is just a love letter to Cece, except I'm not because she's the greatest. Plus, she left her own daughter's apartment to a con artist! Still trolling from beyond the grave!
We also find out that the big Lola secret is not just that she dared go to college in the Midwest, her father is William! While I called this twist as soon as Billy Baldwin breezed in the door and looked at Serena in that completely inappropriate way he always does, I have to give Gossip Girl
props where they are due. Good job, show. That is quite scandalous.
I'm only sad that Billy Baldwin and Rufus never got to have a Botox-off in front of Lily, where they would both glare at each other except neither of their faces would move. Another time, I guess! From his call with Lola, it looks like good old Daddy (to everyone) Woodsen will be sticking around for a little while.
The Gossip Spins Madly On
Georgina decides that she's sick of being Gossip Girl. First, it's hard and, second, she misses the limelight. Georgina likes to see the fear in her victim's eyes when she puts in place a well-done scheme, like the Upper East Side version of a serial killer. So she takes off for the wake in an insane cleavage cut-out outfit, leaving Philip in charge of Gossip Girl for the afternoon.
Philip unfortunately doesn't understand how the Internet works or the basics of copying and pasting and immediately ruins it. He copies and pastes Chuck's whole email outing Dan for sending in the video, complete with Chuck's identity.
Fortunately for Philip's chances of survival, Georgina is pretty over Gossip Girl and decides to go out in a beautiful, insane blaze of glory. This means that she basically just spends the entire episode trying to murder everyone or getting everyone to murder each other and then cackling in the corner. Also, a friend of mine texted me a very true thought, which is that Georgina has gained that Downton Abbey
ability to be in the right place at exactly the right time to hear all the juiciest gossip. She knows all about Blair's marriage situation and Lola's paternity.
In fact, she works pretty hard in an overly-elaborate scheme to get both Chuck and Blair beholden to her. This includes hiring Blair's royal minder to make her believe that she could get out of her marriage with a minimum of fuss. Frankly, I don't know why she worked so hard to make sure that Blair was in her debt. I guess she didn't get the memo that Blair doesn't scheme anymore this season. Unless she was afraid that Blair might fall in love with her or cry on her, I think she was probably pretty safe saving her energy there.
At episode's end, after Georgina has gathered as much dirt and debt as possible, she takes off to Monaco to get Blair out of her marriage to Louis. Somehow. I don't know how. But if Louis suddenly and mysteriously goes missing, we'll know why. She gives Philip a kiss and a package: the Gossip Girl enhanced laptop. Who could she possibly be sending it too? Well, one bored blonde bombshell.
I love the idea of Serena as Gossip Girl because Serena has worked so hard to take her down for so long. Also, I felt bad for Serena in her conversation with Dorota about how tired she was of saying goodbye. This season might be the first time in her life that Serena hasn't gotten everything she wanted (or didn't even really care about) without even trying. I mean, sure, along with that comes nearly dying in wolf car crashes and getting tricked into believing you have a drug problem.
But let's be honest, Serena has never worked this hard with so little to show for it. I'm really looking forward to Serena's tenure as Gossip Girl, if only because Serena has been sorely lacking in storylines this season and I miss seeing the crazy situations she gets herself into. I can't wait until the very special episode when Serena gets carried off by King Kong and Chuck, Blair and Nate need to board rescue planes to save her.
Humphrey to Dan
Meanwhile, Blair continues being this season's version of Blair. By which I mean uncertain, sort of dumb and oddly pious. Like when her royal minder drops a whole scheme on her about supplanting her as princess to get her out of the dowry, Blair is totally zen. She says she just wants Louis to be happy.
I'm sorry Blair, you what now? The guy that trapped you, on fear of bankrupting your family, into a loveless marriage? That guy is the one you want to be happy? The Blair Waldorf from a few seasons ago would have already buried Louis in a shallow grave out back while this season's Blair is wishing his blackmailing butt well. I just can't take it anymore with her, you guys.
There is a lot of back and forth with her dowry and her marriage and it's really boring. Chuck outs Dan as the sender of the video and Blair just sort of shrugs and is like, "eh". A couple of episodes ago, she was killing Chuck and Serena with her mind about this video, but now she's pretty zen. I want to know how many mood suppressers Blair is currently on. Next episode we're going to find her in Brooklyn playing the bongos and making waffles with Rufus. Actually, that would be pretty wonderful to watch.
Chuck's brain is melting, meanwhile. First, he thinks Blair will have enough time to get over Dan. When Georgina tells him that Blair is getting out of her dowry and will soon be embraced in the flannel arms of Dan, he goes nuts and agrees to her plan to make it look like Dan sent in the picture of their Valentine's Day kiss. Blair freaks out on everyone because now Monaco wants their dowry money, and Chuck convinces Dan to explain that he's been trying to put a wedge in their relationship since the accident. Dan does confess to this and Blair looks upset.
Later, she has a conversation with Chuck where she tells him that while she will always love him, she's no longer in love with him. She just wanted to run away with him a few months earlier to raise her unborn child because that's what you do with good pals. Chuck is understandably confused.
He goes to talk to Lily, who is sad about how her mom is forever messing with her, even from the great gin bar in the sky. He tells Lily that he feels like Blair is different. Yeah, Chuck, I've been saying that all season. He says this final kiss-off felt pretty final. Somehow, this touching moment between Lily and her favorite child segues into a conversation about Jack Bass' blood. I'm not sure how this happens, so kudos to you, Gossip Girl
At the end of the episode, Blair shows up at the Brooklyn loft to see Dan. He thinks she's back together with Chuck or penniless, but she tells him he's the one she cares about. Then they make out with each other all over each other's faces. Dan looks like a pretty good kisser, despite my fear of whatever sentient being is living on his head.
There's a whole back and forth about how Blair is finally calling him Dan instead of Humphrey and it's pretty funny. It's going to be even funnier when Rufus and Lily show up homeless at the loft. I hope they make it in time before Dan's hair devours Blair, like that evil plant in Little Shop of Horrors.
is taking a break until April 2, but when it returns Dan and Blair finally complete their transformation into Seth and Summer from The OC
, awkward sex included. When in doubt, steal a storyline from your old show!
What did you think of this week's episode? Are you going to be missing Georgina and Cece as much as I am? Did you buy that Blair is in love with Dan now instead of Chuck? Or, like me, have you stopped caring and just want to see Gossip Serena accidentally kill people? Sound off in the comments!