This week on Gossip Girl, everyone is shocked when something goes awry at a fashion show. This is completely unrealistic, as 'something goes horribly awry at a fashion show' could basically be the tag line for this series. Plus, since when is Serena "whoops there go my pants!" van der Woodsen suddenly the Parents Television Council?
In other parts of the episode, Chuck throws around giant bags of money while sporting a fade like a 90's rapper. Rufus is shocked at Dan's behavior over his newest true love, Ivy, but his face is incapable of registering any emotion.
Blair continues her quest to become a powerful woman by being force-fed IVs and getting shown up by teens in ugly underwear. And Sage, with her linebacker catwalk and stupid hat collection, continues to ruin everyone's life.
This week's outing of the show was a fun throwback to the sort of fashion show schemes and social one-upmanship that once put this show on the map. With only ten episodes in this final season, however, it felt a bit like the show was spinning its wheels too much.
The episode continues setting up the storylines which will be important heading into the final stretch of the series: Blair and Chuck teaming up to solve their problems, Serena growing up, and Dan's descent into muppet-haired madness.
While Sage raining destruction on Serena was fun to watch, I'm still not sure why we should care about her character with so few episodes left to check in with the people we've spent six years coming to know and love. And with only seven episodes left, the rift between Blair and Serena is growing tiring. Isn't it about time these BFFs finally put the past behind them and teamed up together to burn Sage's hat collection?
For one brief shining moment as Sage snottily marched past, the two girls looked at each other with perfect anger and understanding, realizing they'd been had by someone who had read their rulebook. But while rules are meant to be broken, best friends like Blair and Serena should last forever. It's time to get this show's most important relationship back on track, and with only seven more episodes I hope the show doesn't drag their reconciliation out much longer.
Dan has apparently been crashing at Nate's apartment since he saw his dad entangled in the weirdest sex position of all time with Ivy. I'm assuming Dan has been hitting the expensive scotch in the hope of clearing that image from his mind.
However, Nate's apartment is also Chuck's apartment, where Chuck lives, in Chuck's hotel. So it's a bit hard to buy either Chuck or Dan being cool with this living arrangement. Nate, because he has less sense of social awkwardness than Monkey the dog, seems to think all is good.
He is about to publish Dan's first piece of nonfiction in the Spectator and wonders if Dan wants to warn the subject that a very mean piece of terrible writing is going to go up on the Internet. "Please, unless it's about waffles or weird sex acts called 'the waffle' I don't think he's interested." Nate just nods sagely and, without fact checking or doing any background on this story at all, hits the button to publish it. Journalism: by Nate Archibald!
Across the bridge in Brooklyn, Rufus is in love with Ivy because she pretends to care about his feelings and emotions and opinions, a thing Lily could never manage to do no matter how hard she tried. There's not enough Botox in the world to freeze your face into an expression that approximates caring about what Rufus is saying, so it turns out Ivy actually IS a good actress.
But then Rufus is shocked when he discovers Dan has written a mean blog post about him and Ivy doing it waffle-style on the bedroom floor. Rufus' life is officially a Shaggy song.
At the Spectator, Nate is marveling that old people actually care about Rufus. No Nate, old people care about crime procedurals and shows by Chuck Lorre. I'm pretty sure no one on earth cares about who Rufus is currently sharing his cowl-neck sweater collection with. When Ivy leaks a story to Gossip Girl about Rufus suing everyone for libel, Dan and Nate are both shocked.
"That isn't like my father! It's almost like he has a backbone and I'm sure Lily took that years ago and used it to make gigantic statement earrings!" Dan says. Nate, in a cold sweat, desperately tries to make the computer tell him what 'libel' is and why this women Sue is so mad at him.
Dan goes to see his father and instead of apologizing for outing him on the Internet as a giant pervert, chooses the moment to moralize at his father about moralizing. Yes Dan, you surely have the upper hand when it comes to lack of morality. Congratulations, you are the bigger jerk.
Later, Nate is surprised when he finds out that all the rich old people who care about Rufus' sex life are going to be reading about it on Vanity Fair instead of the Spectator. Dan and Georgina backstabbed Nate in order to get a better deal. Nate is shocked that the guy who would be willing to profit from mean stories about his best friends would double-cross him, because he is Nate.
He tells Dan he wants to punch him in the face, but doesn't, making it the second biggest tease of the episode. (Chuck and Blair's lack of sexy times being the first.) Later Nelly comes to congratulate Dan on his good fortune, and slyly offers to put him up for awhile. I really like the chemistry between Nelly and Dan, their scenes are always really fun and layered.
Unfortunately, Dan is in a downward douche spiral and accepts a drink offer from a hotter girl instead. Mark my words, by the end of the season everyone will have slapped Dan Humphrey.
A Fashion Disaster
Meanwhile both Blair and Serena are trying to achieve the impossible. Blair is trying to throw together an impressive collection in two weeks and surpass the expectations of her mother. With all the talk of her mother's legacy and the giant Eleanor Waldorf glamor shot on the wall, you'd think Eleanor had faked her death Bart Bass-style recently.
On the other side of the spectrum, Serena's goal is to get Sage's approval in order to cement her place in Steven's life. Sage is rightly pissed her father ignored her all summer for a girl about four years older than she is. Serena manages to talk Steven out of breaking up with her by promising to talk some sense into Sage and get her to concentrate on her schoolwork. Because if there's one thing Serena van der Woodsen knows, it's how to pretend to care about school until no one is paying attention anymore and then become a trophy wife.
Walking around in a bedazzled tank top and a short skirt, Serena tries to share her wisdom with Sage. "And that, future step-daughter, is why you never film a sex tape! Because according to my unscientific experience, at least one out of every two sex tapes eventually becomes a snuff film." Not taking to heart these valuable life lessons that, based on her current behavior, Sage could actually profit from, she instead chooses to foot Serena with some large bills and have sex with Nate.
Serena comes in on the tail of that sex session and the two have one of the best conversation in the entire episode. Nate laughs about Serena being a mentor to his underage girlfriend and then they both laugh about how their lives are gross and awesome. God, I love those two. Also, when Nate Archibald is laughing about your ability to become a mentor, it's time to reevaluate some life choices.
Sage instead overhears a panicked Blair asking Serena for help with her fashion show, and tells her father Serena got her a spot walking in the show. Serena's dismissal of Blair here is actually really painful. Blair notes that even though the two of them are currently hating each other, they're practically family and family rallies when it counts. Then she kindly reminds Serena of the numerous times she's dusted the coke off Serena's half-dead body or saved her from some wolves. But Serena is having none of it, until Sage forces her hand.
Last season, Blair was a pretty terrible friend to Serena. The only friends Serena had last season were some berries and her rhinestone studded pajama vests. So I get the animosity, but that doesn't mean I want to see a whole season of Serena being an equally terrible friend to Blair. When it counts, Blair Waldorf is always there for the people she cares about. Hopefully Serena will realize this soon.
Mind, Body and Scheme
As Blair freaks out about the fashion show, Chuck appears as if called by the siren lure of her mental instability. He takes over implementing her fashion vision, while she suffers from exhaustion, dehydration, and sexual frustration.
Then Chuck takes off to swan around the city like Mary Poppins with a dumb haircut, dropping giant bags of money in weird Rocky gyms. I'll care about Chuck's storyline when it becomes more than one scene per episode and/or Bart shows up to attempt a different facial expression.
At the fashion show, Serena first throws a hissy that Steven isn't in the front row with her. Blair reasonably points out that Steven is a hundred years old and tells lame jokes about Anderson Cooper and therefore is not exactly a fashion taste-maker. Then Serena sees Nelly Yuki and goes nuclear about Blair using her minions.
Blair, looking gorgeous in her red dress and spot-on makeup, just sort of gives up at this point. While on fashion, it must be noted that as Serena turns ever more into her mother, her earrings become bigger and bigger.
Everything is going well at first. Blair's collection is going off great, even though all of her models are wearing stupid hats like they should be rowing a gondola. No wonder Sage wanted into this show. The hats must have been calling to her. But soon Sage walks the runway and pops off her clothes to stand in her unattractive underwear.
"Underage stripping, look away! Think of the children!" Serena yells and then hightails it out of the show after Steven. Everyone leaves after her, effectively ruining Blair's show. Outside, Blair and Serena face off, only to realize they were bested by a 17-year-old version of themselves. Somewhere off screen, Lily is feeling the icy cold joy of karmic justice.
As the episode winds down, Serena tells Sage to get used to her since she is going to stay with Steven forever. Sage just glares at her and plots her downfall. Never underestimate the power of the cleavage rhombus.
Meanwhile, Chuck comes to celebrate with Blair because even though everything turned terrible, it really was great for awhile. He tells Blair that his father went to see a Lady Alexander, but not about what. Maybe Bart just really wanted a creepy porcelain doll?
The two decide they are better as a team and will throw their efforts together to achieve their goal. "I'm all yours: mind, body and scheme," Blair declares.
Blair still wants some sex, but Chuck turns her down in favor of a cuddle. Unlike their usual cuddling arrangement, Chuck is the big spoon and Blair is the little spoon this time around.
Next week, everyone figures out that they've slept together and there's more incest on the Upper East Side than on Game of Thrones.
What did you think of this week's episode? Are you liking Dan's descent into evil? Ready for Blair and Serena to bury the hatchet? And when will Blair and Chuck just get together already? Sound off in the comments!
(Image courtesy of The CW)