'Gossip Girl' Recap: A Royal Hangover
'Gossip Girl' Recap:  A Royal Hangover
This week on Gossip Girl, everyone celebrates Blair's upcoming nuptials by getting arrested! Blair continues suffering whatever horrible crash-induced brain trauma that caused her to believe God was singularly focused on her love life.

This week, that brain-trauma causes Blair Waldorf, scheming extraordinaire, to trust the obviously underhanded Beatrice. Serena is like, "Have fun at your bachelorette party where your sister-in-law is going to murder you." Even Serena, who almost exclusively dates dudes who try to kill her, picked up on the sketchiness of Beatrice. This is a girl whose best friend used to routinely roofie her. Georgina Sparks honestly can't come back soon enough, but I now live in fear that Blair will try to befriend her.

Meanwhile, the other jailbird is Tripp after Serena and Nate run a long-con to get him to confess to Nate's almost-murder. Sherlock Archibald was on the case again this week with his trusty sidekicks Gossip Girl and Serena. "It's elementary, my dear Serena!" he sadly never cried.

I would pay good money to see a spinoff where Nate, Serena and the disembodied voice of Gossip Girl solve murders, like a version of Charlie's Angels where Nate always needs to get into swimwear to seduce the enemy. Just pretend like that doesn't sound like a better show than Gossip Girl has been the last few weeks.

Law and Order: Special Stoners Unit

Nate is knee deep in this Gossip Girl car crash mystery. He's putting together the clues; he's working the angles. By god, he's almost got it! Chuck stops by Nate's storyline briefly in the best suit he's worn in ages, this weird plaid thing with like a million details that don't go together. It's vintage Chuck Bass, especially when they talk about how Chuck is basically a professional spy all the time. Imagine if Chuck Bass focused his spying abilities on national security or business espionage or something instead of Blair. He'd be grand emperor of the world by now.

Anyway, Nate is like, "Your spying is creepy and weird," and Chuck doesn't understand anything he's saying because he's too busy trying to figure out a way to get a GPS tracking chip into Blair. So he advises that Nate talk to someone almost as good at stalking as he is: Gossip Girl herself.

Nate finally makes a deal with Gossip Girl, but it has some collateral damage: Serena's column about her real-fake relationship with Dan. This column is so inspired that it makes both Rufus and Dan laugh out loud, so you know it has to be good. Except I'm pretty sure lounging around reading iPads and looking up waffle recipes is the only thing Rufus really does anymore, so I'm not sure his enjoyment sets a very high bar.

Serena is furious. Sadly, her fury doesn't explain whatever it is that passes for an outfit she's wearing this episode. It's like if David Bowie was a middle-aged cat lady who had a ratty old sweater, a glue gun and some sequins. That's just the top, though. On the bottom, it looks like she stole the skirt off a dirty hipster but only managed to get half of the skirt. Then there are also knee-high boots and leggings serving as pseudo-pants. Her outfit is as confused as I am at her sudden skills at subterfuge and blogging.

Nate and Serena get into a big blowout fight about Nate working with Gossip Girl and his suggestion that Tripp tried to kill him. Serena can't imagine Tripp being behind an auto-crash not involving wolves, so she storms off. But the video of her getting fired by Nate goes up on the newly revived Gossip Girl. The whole thing is a clever ruse between Nate, Serena and Grandfather. What an amazing A-Team for my proposed spinoff. Nate would pose for a swimsuit poster, Grandfather would start a nation-wide hairstyle craze and Serena would just kick ass and take names.

They out Tripp pretty easily, and he gets all weird and his eyes go to maximum crazy when he explains he did it all for Grandfather's love. While Grandfather is going to take Tripp to the police station, my dreams of Gossip Girl's Angels glory is crushed when Nate tells Grandfather he wants to go it alone. Nate's going to meet with investors and get the Spectator and run it all by himself, because all those years of getting high and playing video games have adequately prepared him for this moment. Grandfather politely doesn't laugh right in his adorable little face.

Westerns and the Future

Meanwhile, Dan is worried that his fake relationship with Serena is having real consequence for his career. Namely, that no one will think of him as anything other than the guy who wrote a thinly-veiled insult novel about his friends. But Dan has so much more to give! He has some ideas that include a cattle range during the reconstruction era or Manhattan 100 years in the future. My notes literally say, "good God". Although I'd love to see what the western version of Charlie Trout would look like. I wonder if they even have argyle cowboy hats?

Dan tries to break off the fake relationship with Serena, but she's holding on for dear life. Poor Serena has caught a case of the Humphreys; sadly, there is no known cure. Dan's also crashing another one of Blair's big marriage moments when he shows up at the bachelorette party just in time to see Blair get carted away by the police and jumps to the conclusion it was Chuck's fault. This, of course, is based on zero information, seeing Chuck with his eyes and his powers of instant judging.

But it looks like Dan is working his own magic to interfere in the wedding. Louis' vows that Blair thinks he knows her so well were actually written by Dan. Because nothing says "I love you" more than outsourcing your vows.

Girls Gone Jersey Shore

At confession, Blair admits she wants to bring her own priest with her to Monaco and get rid of sexy, creepy Father Cavalia. In case you forgot, Father Cavalia was last seen sticking his holy tongue down Beatrice's royal throat. Blair, suffering I would assume from memory damage, is far too chummy with Louis' scheming sister Beatrice this whole episode.

Beatrice and Father Crazy Sexy Weird are in a plot together to get Blair to call off the wedding. This time around, Beatrice seems to care less about being royal top-dog than the job welfare of her boyfriend of the cloth. I don't know; it doesn't make any sense to me. Possibly that's because the accents are so strong and I don't know how to use closed captioning so I only understood about 5% of what they said.

Beatrice's evil idea is pretty genius in its simplicity. Get Blair wasted, toss her onto Chuck Bass, wait for makeup sex: profit. And it would have worked too if it wasn't for those meddling kids and their marijuana cigarettes!

After a run-in with Chuck in which he totally tips his hand and reveals he knows everywhere Blair has planned for her bachelorette party, Blair allows Beatrice to replan the event. And she replans it into a night out with the cast of Jersey Shore. There's a game about exes that is mostly amazing because it reveals that Carter Baizen once wore Blair's underwear out to a restaurant. Man, I miss Carter Baizen. I hope he's somewhere out there running an underground card sharking operation with Poppy Lifton and Agnes. At this moment, that's yet another show I wish I was watching instead of this one.

Anyway, Beatrice is texting the other girls all the answers so that Blair has to take shot after shot. She finally gets so wasted that she starts making out with her own picture on balloons and fist pumping. Blair Waldorf fist pumped. Let that sink in. When the Mayans were talking about the end of the world in 2012, I'm pretty sure this is what they were talking about. Beatrice was so sneaky that she didn't even invite Serena to the new party. Because God forbid Serena and Blair share more than .03 seconds of screen time per episode this season.

Outside, as Beatrice and Father Crazy Sexy Creep prepare operation bad decision Bass, Blair gets herself into trouble. A stoner gives her a joint to hold, which Blair then parades around in front of some cops she thinks are strippers. She finally realizes it's real when Dan and then Chuck show up looking horrified. Also, there are plenty of people snapping pictures with their cell phone cameras.

Blair doesn't have to worry though, because Beatrice has a sudden change of heart based on Blair's endearingly drunken speech about them being the same. Also, she tells Beatrice she loves Louis, but in the most unconvincing way ever. Don't think about that too long because Beatrice doesn't need to make much sense in this episode. She buys all the incriminating phones and then tells Father Crazy Sexy Molester that she's done with him.

Unfortunately, he's also done with her and has suggested her mother send her off to do charity work in a place where she won't be able to get that super hold hairspray she uses on her ponytails. Bummer. Father Crazy Sexy Schemer has a new partner-in-crime and it's none other than Chuck Bass.

"She already thinks I'm a villain. I may as well become one," Chuck says after everyone immediately thinks he tried to get Blair arrested for no apparent reason. As much as I've loved the dog-cuddling, old-man helping Chuck Bass, it's nice to see the devil on Blair's shoulder get a little more devilish.

Next week, Georgina Sparks returns like a crazy phoenix rising from some crazy ashes to unleash hell on Earth, just like it says in Revelations. Also, Blair gets married, possibly by Georgina in priest robes and a Father Crazy Sexy mask. Who knows?

What did you think of tonight's episode? Should Blair really marry Louis? Are Nate and Serena super spies? And should Blair ditch Louis for Chuck ... or Dan? Sound off in the comments!

Best Tweets About the Episode

Morgan Glennon
Contributing Writer

(Image courtesy of The CW)