episodes aren't really a part of the ongoing story, they're stand-alone
specials designed to sell the show's latest Christmas album. This year
we get a series of five vignettes which range from absurd to sweet,
often at the same time. It's a perfectly harmless, enjoyable Christmas
The title of this episode of "Glee, Actually," but don't be fooled: It has NOTHING to do with Love, Actually
. Absolutely nothing. Not even the big ending where all the separate storylines get sort of tied together by having all the characters sing the same song. Calling this an homage to Love, Actually
, one of my favorite movies of all-time, is simply fraud.
It's an Artie-ful Life
Artie, who I assume is suffering from seasonal affective disorder, is once again depressed because he's in a wheelchair. This leads to a black-and-white dream sequence inspired by It's a Wonderful Life
where his guardian angel (Rory the Leprechaun!) shows him how awful things would be if Artie could walk.
Becky is a pregnant slut, Tina still stutters, Kurt is bullied and was held back a year, Rachel is the school librarian and Quinn is dead because Artie wasn't there to inspire her after she got in a wheelchair. In a moment of genuine greatness, Artie points out that in this alternate timeline there was no Finchel wedding, so how did Quinn get into a wheelchair? The answer is simple: She texts and drives in every universe.
There's also no glee club because without Artie auditioning, New Directions never got off the ground since he's allegedly the glue that holds it all together. So now Will is still married to Terri, who is continuing her fake baby scam by carrying around a doll, which Will doesn't notice because he's drunk. Also, Emma is still married to Coach Tanaka, and I'm in complete awe that this show even remembers that.
Artie tries to inspire the non-glee club members with a performance of "Feliz Navidad," complete with maracas. I thought we fixed this whole Hispanic racism problem last year in the episode with Ricky Martin? It doesn't work, but then Artie wakes up and is happy that he's in a wheelchair, because the world is better off.Burt's Christmas Present
In New York City Rachel prepares to go with her dads on a Rosie O'Donnell gay Christmas cruise. Just then Burt Hummel, the world's greatest dad, shows up with a Christmas tree for his atheist son and his Jewish roommate.
Burt reminds Kurt of all the good times and is super supportive of his NYADA future. Then he drops a totally random bombshell: Burt has prostate cancer. That man is like a magnet for illness and disease. He promises Kurt they caught it early and it's no big deal. It's sad, but I'm more curious to know if he's still a Congressman.
Burt busts out his present for his son: Blaine. Klaine sings a duet while ice skating and agree to be friends even if they aren't a couple.Brotherly Love with the Pucker-men
Puck is back in Lima for the third time in as many months, doing research for his high school sci-fi screenplay which sounds truly awesome. He invites Jake to L.A. with him, so the brothers drive from Ohio to California on a motorcycle with a sidecar. Try not to think about it.
Once there Puck gets them onto a Hollywood studio lot because they're Jews, which means they should have no problem breaking into show business. It quickly becomes apparent Puck only invited Jake to visit because he's lonely and has no friends. The two then drive all the way back to Lima to have dinner with their moms to bond over family. There we meet Jake's mom, played by Aisha Tyler in yet another total waste of a good actor in a pointless parent role, like John Schneider as Sam's dad or Gloria Estefan as Santana's mom.Sam and Brittany Get Married
Brittany buys everyone expensive Christmas presents because the world is ending due to the Mayan Apocalypse. Sam agrees so they start a club where Brittany tells Tina that acting is a pipe dream for her and Joe is useless. I love the honesty of the Mayan 2012 Club.
After a performance of "Jingle Bell Rock," Sam proposes to Brittany so they can be together in the Mayan afterlife. Coach Beiste performs the ceremony in the locker room, and just like that, Sam and Brittany are married. Four days later on December 22, the day AFTER the world was supposed to end, there are regrets.Sue's Secret Santa
Sue selects Marley's mom as her secret Santa. After overhearing the Roses talk about how they aren't having a tree or Christmas presents this year because all their money is going to an eating disorder therapist for Marley, Sue gets an idea. As always, Sue's heart grows three sizes on Christmas so she breaks into Marley's house and leaves behind a fully decorated tree with presents, including $800.Wrapping Up Everything With a Bow
In the final segment we get some closure and future plans for everyone. Puck is moving back to Lima, Blaine is going to audition for NYADA and Sam and Brittany aren't really married. It all ends with an emotional group performance of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" that even makes Sue smile.
Next time on Glee
: The show is taking a winter break, but new episodes return January 24. When it comes back Sam and Brody are shirtless and it looks like Puck and Kitty might hook up. That could be interesting, since I totally buy Puck being that pathetic guy who returns to his old high school to pick up chicks.
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(Image courtesy of FOX)