Good evening, Bachelor
fans! I hope that you either enjoyed a relaxing day off, or, if you had to go to work today, channeled your resentment into hours of daydreaming about the two-hour half-naked make-out extravaganza that is The Bachelor
Fantasy Suite Night.
After all, it IS Presidents' Day, and the freedoms to sleep in, waste time, and watch scantily clad pretty people frolic on exotic beaches are what our founding fathers toiled so hard to earn for us, the American people.
So let's make 'em proud.Tonight on The Bachelor:
Jake takes his final three women to St. Lucia for private, week-long bikini 'n' champagne expo, and Ali calls Jake to admit she was only fooling when she said she'd rather have her job than a free trip to St. Lucia. Will Jake give her a re-do, or a re-DON'T?
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We open on St. Lucia, the perfect place to fall in love. But to fall in love with Jake? Not if he keeps wearing that hat! Before the dates begin, Jake reminds us of each of his final three's names (Gia, Tenley and Vienna) and their respective faults (insecurity, baggage, immaturity). Jake says Vienna is immature in a way that, if they got married, they could "mature together." Riiiiight.
Cut to Ali back in San Francisco (in a hotel room?), who has "realized" now (a week later) that her life is without love, and she wants a second chance with Jake. She's going to fight for him. Over the phone. But we won't get to see that until much, much later, because now it's time for some sexy helicopter rides and swimming sessions in private coves. You know, normal "date" stuff.Date #1: Gia
Gia and Jake take a boat across the bay (What bay? I don't know what bay! Ask Google Maps!) for some lunch. "The sky's the limit!" Jake literally says, checking another phrase off his cliche to-say list.
It's lunch time, and Jake and Gia are hungry for some local flavor: they walk around listening to reggae, eating coconuts, and high-fiving the "natives." Jake appreciates that Gia owns thousand-dollar pairs of shoes but is "empathetic" with people who know better than to waste a thousand dollars on a pair of shoes.
Jake buys Gia a necklace, and she says "For the rest of my life, this necklace will be... on my wrist." Ha. She hates it. "Because I wear my heart on my sleeve for him." GOOD SAVE!
At sunset, they dive into the water and get to some heavy Gia-petting. With the sun setting and the camera lights flashing, it's official: they're in lust. Snuggler's Cove: It's not an ironic title (tonight)!
Later at their dinner in "Snuggler's Cove." Jake says he wants to "take care of Gia," and he hopes she feels safe with him.
They dine at a candlelit table right on the beach. Jake's wearing puka shells. "Nobody else exists right now," they tell each other. The cameraman stifles his snickers.
Conversation meanders between Jake bragging about how he loves to take care of people, and Gia complimenting Jake for being an actual human being with actual decency and feelings, unlike all the other men she's ever met.
Jake gives Gia the FANTASY SUITE CARD (henceforth known at the FSC, or Freaky Sexy Card) and Gia, shockingly
, says she's "ready to go all the way."Bathtub? More like "bathrub"!
She wants to tell Jake she's falling in love with him, and the perfect place is in a couple's bubble bath. The bubble bath gets sexy fast, and Gia's declaration gets thrown out as she has found more important things to do with her mouth than talk
. So soapy and steamy, I got the vapors! Just kidding, all I got was uncomfortable.
"Gia has grabbed hold of... my heart," says Jake. And that's clearly not the only thing she's grabbed tonight. IfYaKnowWhatIMeaaaan!
Date #2: Tenley
Tenley accompanies Jake in a helicopter around the island, and he's "feeding off her energy." They stop down for a picnic in the rainforest.
Tenley wants to talk to Jake about what marriage means to him, and whether she can trust him with her heart. She says she loves every little thing about him, and she can see them being happy in the future. "When I make a commitment, I stick to it," she says.
And he says, "When I fall in love, I can look you in the eye 40 years later and tell you I still have that little boy crush on my wife." We'll see about that, now won't we?
The date just gets better and better as they swim and kiss, walk and kiss, and sit on the beach and kiss. But Tenley worries about whether she'd ready to take it to the next level in the fantasy suite, since she has not been with another man since her divorce.Dancing around the issue
At dinner, Jake and Tenley bond over how well they bond. Tenley brings up the fact that she's been married before (WHAT? I DID NOT KNOW THAT! WHY DIDN'T YOU MENTION IT?) and she thanks him for showing that she can be loved again. She says the big words: "Jake, I'm falling in love with you." Jake kisses her, and then asks her to dance. They take off their shoes and sway back and forth to the lack of music, and Tenley says, "I knew that I wanted to dance with him forever."
And then Lee Ann Womack appears, and starts to sing, "I hope you daaaaaance..." (In my cheesy, cheesy dreams.)In love, Ten(tative)ley
Jake gives Tenley the FSC, and she accepts the card, saying she wants every second with him that she can get. It is unclear if those seconds will involve what I oh so maturely
refer to as "Going to the Bone Zone."
In the Fantasy Suite, the entire floor and bed are covered in rose petals to the point that it is definitely a nuisance.
Tenley gets it steamy first, with another discussion of her righteous ethics, serious morals, and how she trusts Jake with her heart, since she's only been with one man before. Jake manages to avoid the topic of how he was with another woman YESTERDAY. And then they make out in a pool!NEXT>>