'Game of Thrones' Recap: The Wedding of Tyrion Lannister
'Game of Thrones' Recap: The Wedding of Tyrion Lannister
John Kubicek
John Kubicek
Senior Writer, BuddyTV
The first of three royal weddings on Game of Thrones was held this week as Tyrion Lannister married Sansa Stark. It was a beautiful ceremony, mostly because Tyrion threatened to do to King Joffrey the same thing that happened to Theon Greyjoy last week.

This episode is also unique because, aside from the opening and closing scenes, there were only three stories. No Robb and Catelyn, no Jon Snow, no Bran, no Jaime, no Theon. Plus, Gendry and Daenerys show some skin, so there's something for everyone to enjoy.

The Wedding of Tyrion Lannister

It's Tyrion and Sansa's big day, so he has a one-on-one chat with her to vow that he won't hurt her. He's trying really hard to be a good guy, but she's understandably worried.

The ceremony itself becomes a farce when King Joffrey walks Sansa down the aisle and then steals Tyrion's footstool, causing everyone to giggle when he tries to put a cape on his bride.

At the reception, Joffrey takes Sansa aside and explains that he's going to sneak into her room and rape her because it doesn't matter which Lannister puts a baby in her. I feel like this kid should be twirling the mustache he can't grow in every scene.

As Joffrey then tries to get everyone to do a traditional marriage ritual, a very drunk Tyrion tells him to shut the hell up, then threatens to cut off Joffrey's penis. It's pretty much the best moment ever. Tyrion quickly covers by stumbling around drunkenly, acting like he has no idea what he's saying (which he totally does).

The newlyweds, Tyrion and Sansa, retire to their chambers and she begins disrobing. But he tells her to stop and promises that he won't sleep with her until she wants to. What if she never wants to? Well, he's OK with that. To be honest, I'm slightly troubled that the show has turned Tyrion into a 100 percent virtuous saint while Joffrey is the epitome of pure evil. Would a shade of gray be so bad?

On the bright side, Sansa's sheets appear clean, so at least Joffrey didn't make good on his promise. But I'm sure that means one or two prostitutes have arrows in their crotches and breasts.

Daenerys Gets a New Boyfriend

Those "powerful friends" that Yunkai has are the Seconds Sons, a group of merciless sellswords. Daenerys arranges a meeting with them, and while their leader Mero is a total d-bag, one hottie, Daerio Naharis, seems pretty cool. I know I already claimed Daenerys' handimaiden, Missandei, is the new Jaqen H'ghar, but I'd like to change my answer to Daerio. He's totally the new Jaqen/Syrio.

She offers to take them on if they will turn against Yunkai, but Mero doesn't seem up for it. Back at the camp of the Second Sons, the three leaders debate what to do, with Mero deciding that one assassin should sneak into the Targaryen camp and kill her.

That night, while Daenerys is taking a bath, Daerio sneaks in and wants to talk. However, he doesn't fight for money, he fights for beauty. That's when he empties a sack with the heads of the two other leaders of the Second Sons. He wants to fight for Daenerys, and possibly be her lover. It's about time, things have been a little dry since Khal Drogo died.

Daenerys gets out of the tub, in all of her naked glory, and agrees to his terms. So now she has the Unsullied AND the Second Sons on her side, plus a new boyfriend. Good, because I'm pretty sure the straight male audience of this show has been depressed about the lack of Daenerys sex scenes since season 1.

Gendry at Dragonstone

The third of this week's stories centers on Melisandre bringing Gendry to meet his uncle, Stannis Baratheon. Her plan is to sacrifice Gendry because he has king's blood, but she's keeping him in the dark about this to keep him calm.

Stannis meets with Davos Seaworth in the dungeon and agrees to release him, which Davos takes as a sign that he's not 100 percent on board with sacrificing an innocent boy.

That night Melisandre seduces Gendry, takes off his shirt and gets him on the bed. It's very hot and a little kinky as she ties his hands to the bedpost. Then it turns sour when she ties his feet as well and starts placing leaches on his body, including his private area. Man, what's with Game of Thrones and all the painful penis references this season? We had Theon last week, Tyrion's threat to Joffrey tonight, Lord Varys' story about how he got cut and now this. Leave the junk alone!

Anyway, Gendry writhes in pain as Melisandre uses the leaches to collect his powerful blood (which she got pumping pretty hard) as proof for Stannis that her sacrifice has a purpose. I hope they don't kill Gendry, but I also hope they continue to find ways to get him naked.

In Others News...

-The episode opens with Arya and the Hound. She still wants to kill him, but he assures her that he's helping her the same way he helped her sister. She's slightly stunned to learn she's being taken to the Twins (home of Walder Frey) to be reunited with her brother and her mom.

-Cersei tells Margaery an awesome story about the Rains of Castamere, who used to be the second-richest House in Westeros (like the Tyrells are now), but whose ambition led the Lannisters to slaughter them all. The fact that the next episode is titled "The Rains of Castamere" bodes poorly for anyone named Tyrell.

-The episode ends with Samwell and Gilly taking shelter while having a cute chat about baby names. They're interrupted by hundreds of crows squawking, then getting very silent. It's a White Walker! He's after the baby, but Samwell tries to fight it off. Unfortunately for him, one touch from the White Walker and Samwell's sword shatters into a million pieces. Then Samwell stabs the Walker with the piece of dragonglass he found buried in the snow and it cries out in pain, falls to its knees and shatters like ice.

On the next Game of Thrones: The show is off next week, but returns on June 2 for the ninth episode. In season 1, episode 9 ended with Ned Stark getting beheaded. In season 2, episode 9 was the Battle of Blackwater. So I'm guessing something HUGE is gonna happen.

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(Image courtesy of HBO)