For the past seven episodes of Farmer Wants a Wife, we've watched as Farmer Matt Neustadt narrowed down his list of potential spouses.  It's obvious that Matt needs a woman who is a bingo champion, a knitting queen, a mean apple pie baker and great at racing a tractor.  She also has to be able to spot a pregnant cow with just one swift punch to its rectum.  This is a rare combination of qualities that could never be found outside the world of reality television.  Last week Matt eliminated both Amanda and Kanisha from the competition, leaving only two ladies to fight for his affections.  Which one will win the farmer's heart?

On tonight's season finale, Matt takes each of the girls on a private date, then calls a town meeting to announce which lucky lady gets to look forward to a life of sheep shearing and pig wrangling.

Though I'm going to miss Farmer Wants a Wife with all my heart, it's the opening credit sequence that I truly hate to say goodbye to.  Instead of having the poor man's version of The Cheetah Girls sing the theme song like they do every week, I wish the CW had recruited the Vienna Boys' Choir to warble a slow, sad version of the booty-busting tune for the finale.  I need something that puts me in a somber mood, but it's impossible to be sullen when I hear peppy gals proudly belting, "They've come to try the country life / 'Cause this farmer wants a wife."  Oh well, maybe it's best that things kick off on a happy note.  Let's save our tears for the end of it all.

Matt arrives at the house and tells Brooke and Christa that they get to perform wifely duties while he works on the farm all day.  Being a wife consists of running errands, picking up car parts, catching chickens and going grocery shopping.  Gee, what fun.

While Brooke chases chickens around the coop and delivers them to a neighbor, Christa heads to the auto shop to pick up Matt's new carburetor.  She stops at a local store afterwards to pay off Matt's tab, and with her usual tact asks the clerk if he sells condoms.  He says he doesn't, which I find rather odd since this looks like a typical convenience store.  Maybe they don't use condoms in Missouri.

Brooke gets delayed by a train while rushing to finish up her errands, which allows Christa to have some alone time with Matt.  She gives him some horribly cheesy sunglasses that she bought at the condom-less convenience store, and he's nice enough to pretend he likes them.  Brooke finally walks in the door a few minutes later, and for some reason I think Matt refers to her as "B-Diddle."  What kind of nickname is that?  It makes her sound like an old-timey jazz musician.

Matt is going to take each girl out on a private date, starting with little Miss B-Diddle.  Matt thinks that Brooke is an outdoorsy type of gal, so he takes her out to a field to ride four-wheelers.  They start off on separate vehicles, but after slowing down for a quick kiss they ride together for a while.  After stopping for a picnic, Matt begins to worry that Brooke is being too reserved and introverted.  That's because B-Diddle wants to say the phrase that has sent many men running for the hills: "I love you."  Having seen enough episodes of The O.C. and Gossip Girl to know that such naïve declarations don't always end well, Brooke decides to hold off.

Later that night, Matt arrives in a horse-drawn carriage to pick Christa up for their date.  He even wears his hideous sunglasses, which leads me to believe that he's going to pick Christa.  Only a man in love would sport a fashion accessory that atrocious.  Brooke also suspects that she's doomed, but she's more concerned about the horse-drawn carriage than the sunglasses.

Christa goes on a special date to Matt's house, which is decorated with dead animal heads and a rug made from a slaughtered fox.  Instead of taking her to the bedroom like he totally wants to, Matt shows her the nice dinner he's prepared on the outside patio.  After an engaging conversation and a lengthy make-out session, he takes Christa back to the farm.

Yep, Brooke is definitely toast.

The ladies get dressed up to the nines the next day and down some wine while waiting for Matt.  Before they can get tipsy and start playing truth or dare, "the whole f-ing community," as Christa puts it, shows up outside the door.  Matt comes in and lets them know that he's going to make his big decision in front of the entire town.  That won't be at all embarrassing for the loser, I'm sure.

After taking the girls on stage, Matt explains why it was so hard to choose between the two finalists.  B-Diddle is bubbly and a joy to be around, while Christa, he says, "is ready to do it at any time."  Ain't that the truth, ladies and gents?  Woo!  He didn't mean it in that way, but it's funny nonetheless.

To make the loser's humiliation even more grand, Matt has a crop duster fly over the farm with a sign announcing the winner.  The woman that will soon become Matt's ball and chain is. . .BROOKE!  Wait, seriously?  Seriously?  I didn't see that one coming at all.  Curse those clever CW editors for fooling me!

Christa is gracious and leaves the stage with dignity, though she'll probably down a quart of wine and get eight more piercings before the day is over.  After getting covered in confetti, Matt and his fiancée drive off into the sunset on a tractor.  Aww, B-Diddle for the win, y'all!  And yes, I can say things like "y'all" now, because this show has imbued me with its country spirit.

Farmer Wants a Wife may be over, but you can check BuddyTV tomorrow for our exclusive interview with Matt and Brooke.  We'll get the scoop on whether they're still together, and find out if they really plan to tie the knot.


- Don Williams, BuddyTV Staff Writer
(Image courtesy of the CW)