'Survivor' Recap: A Fake Birthday with a Fake Family
'Survivor' Recap: A Fake Birthday with a Fake Family
With the rest of Savaii gone (excluding Cochran), it's time for the power tribe to start turning on itself. But Ozzy, Dawn, and Whitney are waiting in the wings at Redemption Island. Maybe Dawn will take Ozzy out! At the Te Tuna camp, Edna is getting a little paranoid after seeing her name at Tribal.

"Doesn't this feel great?" Coach says, stupidly, "it finally feels like we're a family." But familiarity breeds contempt, and the former Upolu tribe is starting to become familiar with Cochran. Sophie is not won over by Cochran, and he is not welcome into their family/cult. It is getting pretty freaky on the island.

Cochran notes that the cult feeling is getting strange, and with the perfect music to underscore their prayer and consistent use of the word "family," I am buying into it. Are they going to murder Cochran? He needs a plan before he gets "exterminated." Not if Sophie can help it!

Cochran approaches The Family and asks for one more Tribal Council. For his birthday. Sophie's response? "Screw you." But Coach wants to keep Cochran around. Sophie says she feels "as indebted to Cochran as I do to Edna," which means no promises to either of them.

A duel at Redemption Island will break up the monotony of group decision making! The challenge is one of dish stacking. So if you ever waited tables, or hate doing dishes so you try to stack them as high as possible in the sink, this could be your bag. Has Ozzy ever waited tables? Or was he too busy catching fish in the sea? Dawn wavered a bit, but regained balance on her dish stack. Later, she drops her stack and joins the jury, in tears.

Whitney is looking like she has bused some tables in her day. Ozzy has the focus of a hawk, or my dog when you have food in your hand. Whitney loses it, and congratulates Ozzy on his almost certain opportunity to face off with Coach in the end. Dawn learned that "anything is possible!" She was so cute, telling Jeff that she loves him and kissing her buff goodbye before she goes to have some chicken wings in a hotel.

Ozzy tells us in an interview that he's excited to defeat his enemies in the coming duels, and winning is what he does best. Damn, Ozzy, you've got a case of the Island Crazies.

Meanwhile, back at camp, Edna is desperately doing laundry. Albert, so proud of what he said last time, mentions again how it's not "out-clean, out-gather, out-organize." You tell 'em, Albert. After laying in the hammock for a good two hours, Albert tries to pull some shorts out of Edna's laundry, then extinguishes the fire. This is not good for Albert.

Rick has something to say! Apparently, this whole time, Rick has been calling Albert "Prince Albert," (maybe in his head?). "He's like one of them Barbie dolls, they look really cute because they don't do a damn thing," Rick says. He is not having it! He will stay silent no more!

Edna double checks the game plan with Coach, who would love nothing more than to keep Edna and Cochran around to secure him the win. He ponders whether he should be a man of integrity and stick with the original alliance and his verbal contract, or look out for himself. One thing is certain: sixth or seventh place is not acceptable for Edna.

Coach also likes Cochran, because he is a student, and will learn Tai Chi. They will soon become one with the universe, and each other. They will become ... Coachran.

For this immunity challenge, they will toss sandbags and use a slingshot. The winner gets immunity and a spa day, but the spa is back at camp, which kind of sucks. I hope Rick wins it.

Albert moves onto the final round, followed by Rick (yes! Win that spa day, cowboy!). Sophie lands the third spot in the slingshot round. Albert makes relatively quick work of it, and wins immunity and a massage. Prince Albert will enjoy the spa day, will he not?

He gets to choose one more person to join him. Who from The Family will he choose? The Father, Coach. Albert gives his reward away in lieu of a food reward later down the line, and he gives it to Cochran, whose "birthday" is coming up. This will surely only solidify the growing bond between Coachran.

Naturally, this sets Cochran's head spinning. Was it a way of currying favor, or just a farewell gift? No birthday present will go unexamined! Oh, and it's not Cochran's birthday, his real birthday was 6 months ago. This isn't exactly a Johnny Fairplay dead grandmother, but the lie did get him something!

Coach declares that he will fight for his young warrior, Cochran, even if it means sacrificing his young virgin, Edna. After his massage, Cochran sits down with Albert to take the temperature of the tribe. Albert tells Cochran that he would be ecstatic to see him go farther in the game than Rick. Someone told Albert about the "Prince Albert" comment.

Don't get rid of Rick! He's spectacular. Cochran tells Edna about the plan to oust Rick, and Edna is delighted. They like each other, because they have so much in common, like their rail-thinness and undying devotion to Coach. Cochran reports back to Coach, who strokes his beard and ponders his options to change the rest of the game by switching alliances. If I were Coach, I would ally with the least likeable people possible, and break any alliances with Brandon if possible.

Look how cute Whitney looks on the jury! I hope she and Keith are doing it now. Cochran admits that he feels humiliated to have given life to the Upolu tribe, only to be voted out seventh. Keith looks stupidly delighted to see that Cochran will perish. Edna has her moment as number 6, and then Brandon pipes up.

"Tonight, my vote is for Cochran, and the next night, my vote is for Edna." OK, Brandon, way to stick to the plan as loudly as possible. Coach says Brandon's steadfastness is both a blessing and a curse, which brings Brandon, inexplicably, to tears.

"I'm human, but there's something stronger inside me that won't .... anything worth having's not going to be easy," Brandon cries. This opens up a glorious door for Cochran:

"Brandon has revealed that he's probably not the best person to be in a strategic partnership with, because talking strategy with Brandon is like talking to you about shirts that aren't blue," Cochran says to Jeff. Oh my god, perfection. Jeff is clearly trying to point out that Brandon is a loose cannon and a liability and they should vote him out.

"This has been an eye-opening tribal, hasn't it?" Jeff says, to which Sophie responds, "no." We'll see! Why wont they vote out Brandon? Ah, soon enough. We'll see if Coach switches, though. He loves Cochran, but he is also a man of his word.

The votes go back and forth, between Cochran and Rick. The final vote is for Cochran. Happy Fake Birthday, little buddy. Now he has to go face the god-like, strong, glowing Ozzy and his fish. That's too bad, Cochran gave us all the best soundbites.

(images courtesy of CBS)

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