I've never been in a POW camp or had a brutal run-in with Jack Bauer, but I think I know a thing or two about being tortured after sitting through Disaster Movie.  The latest alleged comedy from directors (please, let's not call them filmmakers) Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (Meet the Spartans, Epic Movie) cobbles together numerous pop culture references, threads them together with an almost non-existent plot, and barrels onward for nearly 90 minutes without garnering any laughs.  A completely laugh-free comedy is a rarity these days, and it may be worth seeing Disaster Movie just to marvel at the stunning ineptitude on display.

The first reference in the movie features an actor dressed up like the lead from 10,000 B.C. running from a creature that the film's miniscule budget can't afford to create.  The actor then falls face first into a large pile of crap.  This bit is actually a wonderful metaphor for Disaster Movie itself, which dives headlong into feces in the first five minutes, then proceeds to hang around stinking up the theater for the next hour and a half while the audience grimaces.

The problem with this hastily stitched together hodge-podge of pop culture references posing as a legitimate release is that it's not actually a parody of anything.  The word "parody" implies that a subject is being mocked or commented upon in some way, but Disaster Movie isn't smart enough to make any sort of statement about the films and celebrities it skewers.  It simply throws actors in costumes from any movie that's been popular in the past year, then expects the audience to laugh simply because these D-list nobodies resemble someone recognizable, such as Hancock or Amy Winehouse.  Friedberg and Seltzer, who also wrote this festering herpes sore of a film, apparently don't know the difference between a reference and a joke.

Nobody cares about the so-called plot of a film like this, which is really just a lame excuse to roll out a new reference every two or three minutes.  The movie fills up its thankfully short running time by taking potshots at American Gladiators, Iron Man, The Dark Knight, The Incredible Hulk, Juno, No Country for Old Men, Enchanted, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Night at the Museum (how relevant!), High School Musical, Miley Cyrus, and dozens of other things.  Strangely, the film spends little time poking fun at any actual disaster movies, likely because recreating such scenes would require a budget of more than 20 dollars.  References to movies like Cloverfield and The Day After Tomorrow are there, but they're so subtle they could easily be missed.

I don't feel like I can accurately convey the awfulness of Disaster Movie without offering an example of the "humor" on display in the film.  As our protagonists, which include a Juno knock-off and a crack whore version of the princess from Enchanted, dodge incredibly fake styrofoam asteroids on the streets of some nameless city, they pause and cry out for help.  Cut to Iron Man showing up to save the day, looking like he just bought his outfit for 10 bucks at Big Jim's Costume Boutique.  Instead of parodying the character or Robert Downey Jr.'s performance in any way, Seltzer and Friedberg simply drop a cow on him.  That's not at all funny, but maybe it'd be hilarious if Hellboy arrived and also had a cow dropped on him.  Still not funny?  Alright, third time's the charm, so let's bring out The Hulk and then -- wait for it -- drop a cow on him!  Are you laughing yet?  ARE YOU?

This one example shows everything that is wrong with Disaster Movie.  The first problem is that the references serve no purpose.  They're not actually mocking Iron Man, Hellboy and The Hulk, but simply trotting them out and relying on the bovine for laughs.  This type of humor doesn't require the audience to have any knowledge whatsoever of these characters, but only to recognize them and hopefully chuckle at how shoddily they're recreated.  This type of humor can only be enjoyed by people who have few working brain cells, which means you'll love Disaster Movie if you huffed paint in high school or have spent the past five years in a drunken blackout.

The cow example also shows how Friedberg and Seltzer allow most of their unfunny bits to go on for far too long.  Sequences skewering the endless self-promotion of Miley Cyrus or the cast of High School Musical go on for ages, ensuring that every ounce of amusement is drained from the proceedings.  These jokes grow stale mere moments after they begin, yet the directors insist on bringing back every single useless character at the end for a parody of "I'm F***ing Matt Damon."  It's like getting stabbed in a mugging and left to die on the sidewalk, only to have your attacker return an hour later to kick you in the crotch a few times.

I could go on listing off the movie's many crimes against humanity, but it's really not worth it.  The plot doesn't exist, the jokes are not jokes, the gags are obvious, the performances are horrendous, and the entire thing looks like it cost as much as a bag of generic gummi bears.  It's truly a mystery how something this awful even made it to theaters.  The only explanation is that Lions Gate believes Americans are stupid, and I'm sure at least a few people will prove them correct.

The only good thing I can say about Disaster Movie is that it gave me a new appreciation for every other film I've ever seen.  Maybe I've been too hard on the oeuvre of Uwe Boll, and perhaps a debacle like Batman & Robin actually isn't that bad.  Such notoriously awful stinkers look like The Godfather compared to this fetid armpit of a motion picture.  Some people claim that flicks like Disaster Movie are inoffensive.  They sneak into theaters, they draw in the brain dead morons, they make a few bucks and they're forgotten.  I disagree.  Not only does Disaster Movie lower the IQ of anyone who stumbles upon even a moment of it, but the directors have the audacity to make fun of celebrities and filmmakers who actually possess talent.  Friedberg and Seltzer can mock the likes of Spielberg and the Coen Brothers all they like, but even they won't be laughing when Americans stop lapping up their slop and finally start avoiding their movies.  The day these two writer/directors find themselves on the unemployment line is the day I'll laugh harder than I did during the entirety of Disaster Movie.


- Don Williams, BuddyTV Staff Writer
(Image courtesy of Lions Gate)