Can any killer, real or fictional, match up to the killer of killers, Dexter Morgan? In this series, we seek to find out, one murderous showdown at a time. Previously: Jack the Ripper.
I noted in my last Dexter recap
that the show's producers and writers are going a bit overboard with
their twists, which is also what made Nip/Tuck
become unwatchable. This got me to
thinking about The Carver, Nip/Tuck
's psychopathic serial rapist and killer. If you put Dexter up against him, who would win? You have one guy who is trying to rid the world of evil, and another who is trying
to rid the world of beauty.
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Whenever I think about these matchups, I picture them in my head done in claymation, like Celebrity
MTV brought back Beavis and Butthead,
so why can't they bring that show back, too? If anyone
from Viacom or MTV is reading this, I will supply the clay for you to bring back this national treasure,
On to the battle!
The Carver may be one of the few characters on TV who has a body count comparable to
Dexter's. He singlehandedly took out an entire sorority house full of girls -- sweet payback for
those guys in college who were too awkward and got caught staring through windows and
you'll soon be mine, Jessica! Ahem... where was I? In all, The Carver has 21 victims, which is a pretty
good haul, morbidly speaking. Of course, it is still a far cry from the amount of carnage that Dexter has
The Carver has a lot of catching up to do. Dexter wins this round.
Weapon and Clothing of Choice
Since both killers like to use knives to cut their victims' faces and more,
that's a wash, and we should move on to another way that the two men operate: their clothing.
Dexter chooses a dark shirt that perfectly shows off his bulging arms and rippling chest. The kind
of muscles you could nestle into and be held. The kind that would make you feel secure during a
thunderstorm. Mmmmm. The Carver? He looks like a gender-confused member of the Jabbawockeez. Now, if The Carver could cut a rug like that Jabbawockeez, I may be able to forgive him, but he
doesn't look like much of a dancer.
Dexter easily wins this one due to not looking like a transsexual mannequin.
was an entertaining show for about two and a half seasons, but the only
true success that it had was launching the career of Ryan Murphy. Sure, Glee
made an impact on the
television scene, but Nip/Tuck
was a kitschy little show that pushed the limits of believability. It was like
a telenovela in English, with men having sex with couches. I didn't realize that Nip/Tuck
was on the air
until 2010, so that tells you about the longlasting impact it had.
Dexter wins this round.
The Carver would be doing his thing, which includes
forcing himself into people without a real ... thing down there. (See what I mean about this show being ridiculous?) Dexter would be able to track him down easily that he could be back before breakfast to track
down Travis, who thinks he is still talking to Gellar, even though Gellar has been locked in an ice chest.
(See, isn't that show ridiculous, too?)
Dexter would have to make a bit of a roadtrip to LA in order for this fight to happen, but I'm sure he can
get some more PTO out of Deb. Dexter would probably learn about The Carver from the press that would
be coming out about his mysterious murders. (We all remember that one of his pastimes is collecting serial killer press clippings.)
The hardest part would be for Dexter to plant himself inside the plastic surgery office. What kind of work
would he want to get done? I think that he would have to go for something drastic. The
full Heidi Montag treatment. The Carver would go nuts trying to prove that no one in the world should
ever do that much work on themselves to achieve beauty.
Dexter would lure The Carver in, and there is no better kill room than a room prepped for surgery. Of
course he would be shocked when he removed The Carver's mask and realized that the crimes were
being done by a John Stamos look-alike. Little does the world know that Dexter has a secret, deep-seated hatred for the Stamos, so this kill would be quick and merciless.
The unanimous winner here is Dexter.
Dexter kills for all of the right reasons, if there is such a thing. Dexter is fighting the good fight, while The Carver is simply obsessed with aesthetics. He was a nut job who hated the
idea of beauty running the world and *SPOILER ALERT* became a plastic surgeon to perform his kills.
Even though he's no surgeon, Dexter still has the knife skills to make The Carver look like an amateur, so I don't think that an actual
knife battle would be even close.
So would Dexter prove victorious, or am I way off the mark again? Let me know in the comments and be
sure to come back next week to see who Dexter has to face next.
Chase GamradtContributing Writer(Images courtesy of Showtime/FX)