'Dexter Versus,' Part 2: Dexter Versus The Carver from 'Nip/Tuck'
'Dexter Versus,' Part 2: Dexter Versus The Carver from 'Nip/Tuck'
Can any killer, real or fictional, match up to the killer of killers, Dexter Morgan? In this series, we seek to find out, one murderous showdown at a time. Previously: Jack the Ripper.

I noted in my last Dexter recap that the show's producers and writers are going a bit overboard with their twists, which is also what made Nip/Tuck become unwatchable. This got me to thinking about The Carver, Nip/Tuck's psychopathic serial rapist and killer. If you put Dexter up against him, who would win? You have one guy who is trying to rid the world of evil, and another who is trying to rid the world of beauty.

Whenever I think about these matchups, I picture them in my head done in claymation, like Celebrity Deathmatch. MTV brought back Beavis and Butthead, so why can't they bring that show back, too? If anyone from Viacom or MTV is reading this, I will supply the clay for you to bring back this national treasure, please.

On to the battle!

Body Count

The Carver may be one of the few characters on TV who has a body count comparable to Dexter's. He singlehandedly took out an entire sorority house full of girls -- sweet payback for those guys in college who were too awkward and got caught staring through windows and you'll soon be mine, Jessica! Ahem... where was I? In all, The Carver has 21 victims, which is a pretty good haul, morbidly speaking. Of course, it is still a far cry from the amount of carnage that Dexter has created.

The Carver has a lot of catching up to do. Dexter wins this round.

Weapon and Clothing of Choice

Since both killers like to use knives to cut their victims' faces and more, that's a wash, and we should move on to another way that the two men operate: their clothing. Dexter chooses a dark shirt that perfectly shows off his bulging arms and rippling chest. The kind of muscles you could nestle into and be held. The kind that would make you feel secure during a thunderstorm. Mmmmm. The Carver? He looks like a gender-confused member of the Jabbawockeez. Now, if The Carver could cut a rug like that Jabbawockeez, I may be able to forgive him, but he doesn't look like much of a dancer.

Dexter easily wins this one due to not looking like a transsexual mannequin.

Cultural Significance

Nip/Tuck was an entertaining show for about two and a half seasons, but the only true success that it had was launching the career of Ryan Murphy. Sure, Glee made an impact on the television scene, but Nip/Tuck was a kitschy little show that pushed the limits of believability. It was like a telenovela in English, with men having sex with couches. I didn't realize that Nip/Tuck was on the air until 2010, so that tells you about the longlasting impact it had.

Dexter wins this round.

The Showdown

The Carver would be doing his thing, which includes forcing himself into people without a real ... thing down there. (See what I mean about this show being ridiculous?) Dexter would be able to track him down easily that he could be back before breakfast to track down Travis, who thinks he is still talking to Gellar, even though Gellar has been locked in an ice chest. (See, isn't that show ridiculous, too?)

Dexter would have to make a bit of a roadtrip to LA in order for this fight to happen, but I'm sure he can get some more PTO out of Deb. Dexter would probably learn about The Carver from the press that would be coming out about his mysterious murders. (We all remember that one of his pastimes is collecting serial killer press clippings.) The hardest part would be for Dexter to plant himself inside the plastic surgery office. What kind of work would he want to get done? I think that he would have to go for something drastic. The full Heidi Montag treatment. The Carver would go nuts trying to prove that no one in the world should ever do that much work on themselves to achieve beauty.

Dexter would lure The Carver in, and there is no better kill room than a room prepped for surgery. Of course he would be shocked when he removed The Carver's mask and realized that the crimes were being done by a John Stamos look-alike. Little does the world know that Dexter has a secret, deep-seated hatred for the Stamos, so this kill would be quick and merciless.

The unanimous winner here is Dexter.

Dexter kills for all of the right reasons, if there is such a thing. Dexter is fighting the good fight, while The Carver is simply obsessed with aesthetics. He was a nut job who hated the idea of beauty running the world and *SPOILER ALERT* became a plastic surgeon to perform his kills. Even though he's no surgeon, Dexter still has the knife skills to make The Carver look like an amateur, so I don't think that an actual knife battle would be even close.

So would Dexter prove victorious, or am I way off the mark again? Let me know in the comments and be sure to come back next week to see who Dexter has to face next.

Chase Gamradt
Contributing Writer

(Images courtesy of Showtime/FX)